The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I wonder, am I the only person out there that is not greatful for what they have? I am so busy trying to be the ring leader and the person who has to have it her way. That I am not satisfied with what I have and am always looking in the windows of everyone else thinking I want what they have. Instead of being greatful for what I do have. Do I make any sense here?
For those of you that know me from past shares will know that Im a single mom of 3 young kids, 9-5-3 and I have been on my own for almost 2yrs. I have just started alanon this past spring and my Ex is an active A and my current boyfriend is 15yrs recovery. Im pretty lucky in that my parents are well off and when I decided to leave my husband they were able to help secure a home for me and my kids. I work full time and have a great paying job that I love! I have nice things and my boyfriend is a wonderful calming person. Who is very active in his program of recovery and will take 16yrs this dec.
BUT.....as for me, Im not completely satisfied. Not too sure why? I struggle daily with trying to let things go when it comes to the kids, I try to let things go with my ex and his drinking, and with my boyfriend, he told me the other day, to stop treating him like a child.
I have to step back alot of the times and look at me, Im sad alot. Not too sure why? cause if you looked at me you would not think anything is wrong. All looks good on the outside. Im neat, tidy and dressed well BUT....If I stand back and look in, I dont think Im connected. I get the whole process and I understand the cycle, but I have yet to make the connection. Iam able to explain things and I do things without hesitation and I react without thinking and then when its all said and done, I usually regret it and try to back peddal.
Im afraid of alot of things and Im not too sure how to get past them and move into the next step. I have alot of issues that need to be resolved, yet again I dont know how to let go and move forward. I feel that Iam stuck in reverse!! I want to move forward but I feel that Im looking for something that I might never get. I desperatly want it all, but WHAT is it that I want?.
Would love some feed back. Anything would be helpful.
Just another day but really not enjoying life to its fullest.
Try to think of three things at night that you are grateful for...that should be easy with 3 kids, maybe try for 2x that 6 things. Write them down. Each night, sometimes when you are driving try to find one more thing you are grateful for.....the more you do it the easier it gets. Hang in there.
Yes, I can relate, and a thousand times over because through my own recovery process I have been one big whopping onion with a lot of layers to peel away and tons of good tears during the peeling process. To the outside world, I was Super Woman, Super Mom, Super everything. On the inside, I felt like a box of assorted chocolates, like the line from Forrest Gump. I didn't know what what was in that box most of the time, and I didn't know what to eat next, or what I had left that I would like or not like - good, bad or indifferent. But my need to keep digging into that box of chocolates, my need to understand more about me and my recovery continued.
It took getting a Sponsor for me to start asking myself the questions that I was not asking myself. To peel away the layers that were just a little tougher for me to peel on my own. To dig into that box of chocolates and be so grateful for all the assortment I found that was me, faults and all. And, to be able to break that Super Woman wall and let people see how vulnerable I truly am. After all, I am human, not Super Human.
Funny thing is, by being able to share all the things I discovered about myself and make the changes I've made, friends and family still think I'm Super Woman, Super Mom and Super everything else. The difference is, they now appreciate even more the woman that I am and how I continue to evolve, because it's not all "on the surface" anymore. I share it all. I expose my struggles, my growth, my accomplishments, everything. And, it never seems to fail, by being that honest with myself and others, recovery becomes "contagious." Meaning, I open the door for others to share where they feel vulnerable too. It opens many doors of opportunity for people to learn to take better care of themselves and grow too. Beautiful thing.
So, having someone present the questions and really be honest with myself answering them, and then getting feedback from my Sponsor and in meetings, I felt a stronger sense of progress and understanding. I am new to the On-line Al-Anon experience, and so I am unaware if finding a Sponsor occurs in this arena or only in ftf meetings. I don't know what made me think of that, but maybe someone can answer that now that the question is out there....
My thoughts and prayers are with you Yvette....(((Hugs too)))
