The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Greetings :) I am new to this forum but feel I need some guidance in my current situation. I have been dating a woman for close to 18 months who has 17 years of sobriety. We recently had a conflict that baffled me and when I was speaking with a close friend of mine and described the situation, she said it sounded like "drunk thinking". (She has never been in AA herself, but was very close to several people as they went through the process, so her awareness of it is much more nuanced than mine.) I have peripheral experience with AA -- my life challenges tend to be in other areas -- but I never really considered that part of our communication challenge could be tied to this difference. Are there any tips you would give someone dating a sober person? I've been looking online and reading through the forums and I mostly see stuff about dating someone newly in recovery. She's pretty solid and has a lot of time, so I just hadn't really thought of it being an ongoing factor for her or us since she is fairly clear about herself and where she's at. But after my friend suggested it, I thought it would make sense to see what I could learn. We've gone to meetings together and I'm glad to read the Big Book, or whatever would be a usesful way of understanding her experience. Any thoughts or resources you might recommend?
Maybe go to a few open AA meetings. I only have 3 years in recovery, but I would get pretty angry if someone not in the program accused me of "drunk" thinking....even if that was the case lol. Whatever you do, the intent is best as support and understanding and not to change her. She has 17 years of recovery, but has a chronic illness....You will never know how much is her...how much is lingering alcoholic traits....trying to label it will drive you crazy. When she does nice things or makes good decisions are those "non-drunk thinking?" Too confusing and also too easy to cop out and label everything about her you don't like as "dry drunk" behavior. Not saying that is what you are doing....just something to watch out for.
For me personally, I don't do well dating other's in recovery. The program is too personal for me and my opinions and AA (and alanon too cuz the terms and slogans overlap) jargon comes flying out to a degree that another person in recovery is repelled by me and I am repelled by them in an intimate relationship sense. The longest I have dated another alcoholic in recovery was 2 weeks before it was obvious we were both too opinionated to get along.
Thanks -- yeah I( can see how that would sound offensive, sorry :( I don't really want to label her but I do want to acknowledge she has an experience and a culture that I have no familiarity with at all. I have gone to a few open meetings and it does definitely give me insight so maybe I just keep doing that.
I think anyone can get triggered by certain situations. Certainly many an alcoholic came from a dysfunctional family. ACA (they have a group here) may help you understand the core issues that affect your partner.
i DON'T know but my first thought is someone who has been working a program, following the direction of a higher power, taking responsibility for thier actions etc for 17 years is a pretty darn good catch and I'd take what I like and leave the rest of her behavior alone. and oh my gosh...just my first thought. Guess it depends on how big the issue is and how often it happens and what is the motivation of this "female" friend for saying it sounded like "drunk thinking"? Women can be real stinkers sometimes and I firmly believe there is no such thing as a "just friends" intimate friendship with the opposite sex...somebody or both sometimes or always think of more...
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 2nd of November 2011 12:15:32 PM
Oh I totally think she is a great catch -- and part of it is absolutely the work she has done. :) I have been through my own process around owning my destructive behaviors and the unflinching self-honesty is a critical part of relationship for me. But there is definitely a way that people who have been through addiction view the world that is different -- we are shaped by our experiences. And I don't understand it. No, my friend is straight, she's not motivated by anything other than a desire to help me better understand the dynamics of my relationship and how to best engage with myself and my gf.
i think mental health issues is a complex one. someone can put their best image forward and sometimes a mask can slip, OR,, someone can be the perfect partner at the beginning and turn into a monster after marriage- OR it may be the case of...she may be a genuinely beautiful- strong person but a little flawed....and arent we all? having baggage is ok- we have all got issues and baggage...i think the question yu are asking is- how much? it could be that your relationship is bringing new challenges and might surface some stuff she has yet to deal with...and there is every chance of overcoming set patterns i think- especially if you are strong in yourself and are kind and unjudgmental. It could be that she still have set behaviours- which yu describe as dry drunk....in my mind, it hasnt anything to do with dry drunk...i think this is a saying that has stuck somewhere along the line..i think its when someone has got stuck in a mode and a groove and hasnt been very aware of it and not been able to change it. i think there is every possible chance of changing patterns of behaviour- if these patterns cause destruction or a bit of may-hem then they are not good. and by the sounds of it- she has reacted in an undesirable way....to a certain situation. let me explain what i mean according to my own situation as its easier...and i am no psychologist. my mum reacts the same destructive way to many things, getting her to slip out of old patterns has been hard sometimes but i think its absolutely possible. your qualifier- goes to meetings often and takes her recovery seriously there is every possible chance that you will get to the point where she reacts in certain situations in a more desirable way, it just may take a little bit of work to get there- but once a pattern of behaviour has been changed- i believe its a further step on their recovery- and i believe once its been over turned then the new way is there to stay. in my experience - it can be a humbling experience for that qualifier to think they need to address something and to then go and change it. I also think- though its nice youve been to meetings- i think she might possibly need those meetings for herself. in my experience its a place where another perspective can be offered to them- and where they can totally lay their issues out on the table.
I would like to suggest that you stop trying to figure out how she tninks and understanding her AA EXPERIENCE AND FIND A FACE TO FACE ALANON MEETING IN YOUR COMMUNITY and focus on what you think and want. There you will discover many powerful tools and facts that will enable you to relate to your partner in a constructive manner regardless how her thinking patterns evolved
I would also hope you find an Al-anon meeting to attend and see if that fits better than an open AA meeting. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I would also encourage you to find an Alanon meeting!
We can theorize forever about why someone else acts the way they do. Maybe it's drunk thinking, maybe it's not ... nobody could say for sure, maybe not even the person doing the thinking. Not a single one of us has completely rational and logical thoughts all the time - whether we're alcoholics or not. We don't always recognize when we're being irrational or illogical either. Just my .02, but I could drive myself nuts worrying about why someone is thinking something - and the reality is that the answer wouldn't change anything.
Glad you're here, keep coming back!
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Wednesday 2nd of November 2011 09:50:03 PM
from my perspective- understanding why they do things and say things helps my recovery- because if my reaction to things helps my mums reactions and behaviours- then we all get to move on. i cant move on- until my mum moves on with patterns- and its often family members that get sucked into these cycles. I dont think al-anon meetings is a cure all- for the qualifier to go to meetings- and for me to go to meetings- there has to be some communication in the middle of all of this. if the qualifier is off ranting- or doing something ugly- i think its good to understand why its happening and what can you do to stop it- it may be detaching whilst its hapening- breaks the cycle. i now that being on the receiving end of it and being a quite victim to someone elses behaviour doesnt stop it- thats just my perspective.
Trying to get into someone elses head is always a dangerous neighborhood for me to venture into to. I like others would recommend seeing what an alanon meeting is like. I myself have been going to face to face meetings for years. If you have not been, it is suggested you try six or more meetings before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is right for you.
So, I am glad you came and shared on the board today. Thank you for the topic.
I do think alcoholics can be a puzzling bunch. I also think people in al anon can be a very puzzling bunch too. We tend to over react, rescue and idealize. I have had to learn to focus on myself religiously. I would love to be over involved in everyone else's life but I know where that gets me. I am willing today not to do that.
Really plenty of things and people puzzle me tremendously. I have to work on what I can do to make life the best for me rather than everyone else but me.
Yeah I really hear that. I relate it to getting to know someone's culture. I grew up in a fairly strict religious culture and if someone is going to be long-term intimate with me, knowing a little about that culture is helpful. It still frames a lot of my world view and will likely always have some kind of impact on how I engage with others.
