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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Work rage
Post Info TOPIC: Work rage
belle_TU


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Work rage
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I have a good enough but unsatisfying job. I've started the process of going back to school for the career I would really like, so I'm addressing the unsatisfying part, but in the meantime, I've got about a year left.

Like a lot of Al-Anon folk, I am HYPER COMPETENT. This can make me a very good worker, but can also make me a worker who is easily taken advantage of. I don't yet know how to turn off my "check all the details make sure it's all done PERFECTLY" issues, but I have learned how to develop better boundaries, and occasionally say, "I can't do that" or "I don't have the time" or "That's not my job."

My former supervisor was really good about checking in with me to make sure I wasn't overworked (which, you know, that's my responsibility, but it made her an extra good manager), but she was also really good about hearing me when I told her I couldn't take on some task, or felt like the assigning of some task to me was unfair. Sometimes she agreed, sometimes she didn't, but she always sat down and explained her reasoning, so I felt listened to.

I have a new supervisor now. She's a much more authoritarian person. She hates dealing with personnel issues -- tells us it's our responsibility to work it out ourselves -- and feels like it's not our right to ask for her reasoning on decisions. She's not an altogether bad person, she's just not a great manager. In any case, she's started (I feel) sloughing off lots of unliked, unwanted tasks on me because "belle_TU will do it! She's great at this stuff!" The things that aren't in my job description I push back on, but I still have trouble pushing on things that could reasonably be my job (though they could be anybody else's job, too).

A lot of these tasks are menial things -- cleaning and stocking. She's also recently asked me to be more of an assistant to one of my coworkers who deals with some significant mental health issues. I like this coworker, she's a nice person, but her issues can be extremely overwhelming, and when her moods get out of whack, nothing in the office can run smoothly until she calms down.

I feel like I've been made her assistant because nobody else likes dealing with her, and considering my supervisor's opinion on how to "deal" with personnel issues, I feel like I've been put on a raft with the office problem person and set out to sea. I also resent being put in charge of menial tasks that I feel like grown adults should be able to do. These are legitimate issues, and I'm working on how to reasonably confront my boss, and/or how to figure out a way to change my perspective or find some other way to cope with this for another year.

But I can't do anything like that right now, because I'm finding myself just overwhelmed with rage. It's not like these aren't annoying things, but I can tell my reaction is completely out of proportion. I can barely get any work done, I'm just seething all the time. Every time a coworker asks me to help them unjam the copier again or fix their computer again or how the dishwasher works again, I feel like punching them, or screaming "Can't you figure this out yourself? Are you not an adult?"

I think it's obvious where this comes from. I don't mind taking care of "things." But after an entire lifetime of being a caretaker for my drug-addicted mother, alcoholic grandparents, my ACOA father, and a drug-addict ex-husband, being asked to take care of "people" hits all my buttons. It's not that I can't do nice things voluntarily for people I care about, but when I'm told it's my job to take care of other adults -- doing things they should be perfectly capable of doing but don't want to do -- I just lose it. I think this was building for a while, but being put in charge of somebody who is mentally ill -- somebody whose moods are unpredictable and must be attended to and mollified before anything else can be done -- just kicked it all out the door.

I'm just so full of rage that I can barely think straight when I'm at work. I try not to let it out, because it's not really anybody's "fault." My coworker with the mental illness can't help that she's ill, and as far as she knows, she's just got a colleague helping her on some projects -- she doesn't know that she's basically been assigned a nurse because her boss is sick of taking her calls. My other coworkers -- who have come to rely on me for some basic tasks -- came to rely on me through my own TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING issues, and if I were more together, I wouldn't mind. My boss may be a bad boss, but she's not the Ruiner of Worlds or anything -- this rage isn't about her either. This is rage toward people I don't have in my life anymore, rage about years of being taken advantage of, and caring for sick people as if they were helpless children, and never being appreciated. I had thought I was past quite a lot of this, but I think I had just managed to create enough boundaries in my life that this sort of thing didn't come up that often, and I lucked out with some helpful coworkers and bosses.

So, RAGE. How do you quell this? I know what kind of healthy things I need to do to talk to my boss, or change my life if I'm unsatisfied with it, but I feel stuck in place with this rage, since I can barely think straight around it. How do you calm this stuff? Or work through it? Anything that helps you guys?



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Mattie


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3613
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Hi, Belle, I'm glad you've found us.

When I had a similar problem in my family, my therapist told me that the feelings were telling me something about the situation (even if they weren't all based on the situation), and that the best way to change them was to change the situation.  This didn't mean changing other people, it meant changing my part of it.  In my experience, this was totally right on and worked for me.

Al-Anon helps us think about appropriate boundaries: how to identify them and how to maintain them.  I actually took an assertiveness class about this, because I had two settings: completely passive ("Take that on?  And that and that and that?  Uh, okay, sure") or completely furious ("I will not do that ever again and you are outrageous to be asking me!  How dare you!" Etc. etc. etc.).  I knew I didn't want to be like this but it was hard to stop it because my upbringing had never taught me the skills. The one I liked most was the broken-record technique (for those old enough to remember what broken records sound like!): "Sorry, I can't take that on."  "But--"  "Sorry, I can't take that on."  "But --"  "Sorry, I can't take that on" -- until they give up and go away.  At first my emotions when I did this were tumultuous.  After a lot of practice I can at least identify when I need to do it, which was not always the case before.

So I guess my experience is that it's a process.  Somehow in the middle of recovery, my rage about being the caretaker melted away.  When I start to find myself in new positions where it's happening again, the anger returns to remind me to take my new actions.  But as they say, it didn't get this way overnight, so it doesn't disappear overnight. 

I hope you can keep coming back, and also find some face-to-face meetings?



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flopadopilus


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 662
Date:
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Hi there and I hope you are able to make it to Al-anon meetings. After I started attending meetings and found a sponsor I started finding out how to really take care of myself. I can relate to being a caretaker at all times, but maybe it's time to take care of self first. I learned recently to give from your reserves and not your overflow. When I get angry it's because I am out of juice and I giving from my reserves that I had to learn to save for myself. I am still learning this and it has taken lots of time in the program and lots of reading Al-anon literature. Give yourself a break and keep coming back. I am sending you love and support!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
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Belle,, I reached this point in my last job for many of the same reasons you cited. Other's told me "it's just a job" and I would take it less seriously from time to time. I worked so hard on accepting, accepting, accepting, I could not change some things and some people at that job...I did this to the point that I just hovered back and forth from being okay there to being enraged again with the same issues every several months. It never occurred to me that if I put forth a full effort, I could get a new job. I wound up cussing out my boss, getting suspended from work, and in that time blasting out like 30 resumes, going on 7 interviews and getting a job where my bosses treat me with respect, I get paid more, and I don't constantly give up my serenity on a daily basis. Not sure what you can take from my experience. I don't recommend the screaming and getting suspended from your job part, but I suggest that it is good to keep options open and remember you aren't as trapped at that job as you think. The serenity prayer is kinda tricky sometimes cuz I kept focusing on accepting what I couldn't change to the point I went nuts there and didn't acknowledge i could change jobs!

Mark

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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
Date:
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I have not had much experience with rage. But I do know, once I am listened to and g et some validation, the thing may not bother me at all anymore.

The supervisor is that, your feelings are about work. It's that persons job to listen. She does not have to do anything, but listen.,

I myself would teach others how to do things, would tell them to take notes, draw pictures I don't care but I will show you one time, if ya need help ask, but do your best to figure it out.

I would right down I feel rage at and make a list. then the serenity prayer, accept the things I cannot change, change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sounds like you are overwhelmed. so it is up to you to figure out how to chip away and figure out what you can handle and what you cannot.

AND what are you doing for anti stressors? We all need them. I have my animals, my way of life. its a huge anti stressor for me., friends and my kids who laugh a lot, .

I am glad you are here! love,debilyn



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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