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I'm the eighteen year old daughter of a raging alcoholic. Currently, I'm a sophomore at a college over 200 miles from home. I have two little brothers and a dad, all three of whom are great, and a dog named Penny. She's my anchor. I'm new at talking about this, so I think I'll just give you all my background. Talking about it's supposed to help, right? Sorry if it's really long.
My mother's been a raging drunk for as long as I can remember. She's a very angry drunk and often assaults myself, my brothers, and my dad. Generally her assaults are of a verbal/emotional nature, but some of the things that fall out of her mouth are too unbelievable to even explain. If she's not drunk she's really just a miserable excuse for a human being, in that she's just as irritable and ill-tempered as when she is drunk, just less likely to take a swing at anyone. I have little to no sympathy for her and I really just dislike her on the whole, though I'm only just starting to accept that and it's taking its toll on me. When she does get physical, which isn't often but it's certainly not rare, she tends to go after my dad. She has gone after my little brothers and me, but whenever she goes after anyone I'm always the one to step in and fend her off, even in my dad's case. I've never been beaten, really, but I've gotten bruises and she did try to strangle me once. The situation is really just horribly confusing for the emotions of everyone in the household, and I can't express that enough.
I'm at college now though, and physically away from all of that. My life's still not what it's supposed to be though. Because of my mom I really can't stand the weekends. I have friends, and I have a boyfriend, and I'm not totally socially inept, but I can't be in close proximity to drunk people. They give me anxiety to the point of panic attacks. This is bad because I'm a college student, and not only are college students notorious for heavy drinking, but my school is notorious for partying. I've never drank before because of my mom; I loathe alcohol and refuse to even try it because she's ruined whatever's allegedly good about it for me. But I don't have anything against other people drinking. I know not everyone's a lunatic like my mother, I realize that drinking is like 80% of the social life when it comes to college, and I don't look down on anyone for partaking in its consumption. I just can't be in the same room as them when they do it, or I'll get visibly unsettled. I don't want to get upset and I know that it's irrational, but I can't help it. I literally cannot help it. My boyfriend is the only actual person I've told about my home life, and even though he always asks if it's okay that he 'goes out' with his friends, and I actually encourage him to do so, I always get upset when he's drunk. He's not an alcoholic by any means, he's not even the slightest bit violent; booze really just makes him sillier. But it still scares me and I still can't be around him, and even though I know he's the same person when he's drunk as when he's sober, I can't actually accept it.
I want a normal college experience. I don't want to be a drunk, but I want to not be so absolutely terrified of alcohol. This part of my life has such a stranglehold on me and I've only recently realized it, but I don't know what to do. I've tried to face it, but that doesn't work. I've tried to ignore it, but that doesn't work. I've grown to resent college life, but since my home's basically broken and I don't want to be there either, I feel lost. I feel hopelessly, endlessly lost.
I just want to be a normal teenage girl who can go out and have fun on the weekend. I'm not saying you need to drink to have fun, but it certainly (and obviously) helps. Just being able to go out sober and not want to flee because of the drunks would be nice. I've accepted that my home-life is hell and I'm beginning to move past that, I just wish I could get past this one little aspect.
Talking helps. Just typing this helped. I'll understand if I don't get many responses because it's so long, but any kind of words would be greatly appreciated. This is my first post here, I've been reading others and you all seem really great.
I hope you will stick around and let us get to know you. If there is an alanon meeting in your area it would be so helpful to go and talk/listen to others that have had your experiences and use this forum as a tool to heal. (suggestion .. lol .. not advice)
You are not alone in your struggles of dealing with an alcoholic and the damage it can leave as us as children. Please keep coming back, there is much wealth of information on the boards.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm glad you've found us. I hope you can look for some face-to-face meetings too.
I just wanted to put in that there are ways to have a social life at college that don't revolve around alcohol. I spent my entire college career and only went to two parties with alcohol in all that time. It does depend on the kind of people you hang out with and what they like to do. I've found that people who've grown up around alcohol tend to be more tolerant of alcohol than others, in that alcohol is so familiar that alarm bells don't go off when there's too much drinking. I had three boyfriends (at separate times! not all at once ) during college and none of them ever got drunk. They may not be in the majority at your college, but I'm sure there are some. So one of your options is to find the group of students who do most of their socializing without drunkenness, and scaling back on hanging out with those who do. It is absolutely possible.
But I understand that you want to not have to have a strong reaction when you are around people who are drinking. I think learning more about alcohol and alcoholism, how to get distance and perspective on your mother, and getting some "recovery" (beacuse everyone around the alcoholic is drawn into the insanity) under your belt will help. Do keep coming back. Hugs to you.
I can relate to your share and I also had a rageful A as a Mother. You are not alone and welcome to MIP! I hope you are able to make it to some Al-anon face to face meetings and eventually a sponsor. There is a phone number under my share that will help you find a meeting and to start helping yourself to recover from your life thus far. Al-anon has been the greatest thing I have ever found to make me see life as more than a string of days meant to be merely survived. I am sending you courage, love and support on your journey!!!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Thanks for the responses, really. It's nice having some ind of support from people with somewhat similar experiences. :)
I've looked into Al-Anon meetings and there are some near my college. In fact, I emailed the section that meets near my school with some questions and the woman who responded was very nice and even offered me rides to and from the meetings. This whole thing is a really big step out of my comfort zone, though. Aside from my boyfriend, and now these posts, I've never told a soul about my mother's problem. Actual Al-Anon meetings seem like a great idea, but I just don't think I'm quite ready for that yet.
Mattie: This are all really great ideas, it's just that I really do love my friends and my boyfriend. Expanding to people who don't feel the desire to be intoxicated is certainly something I'm aiming to do, but I don't mean to replace my current circle. Drinking is just a small part of what they like to do in their free-time, and I don't hold it against them because it's really the number one way to be social around here. Aside from the fact that they drink on occasion, I really do get along with everybody. Friends who aren't as interested in alcohol as they are would certainly help, but I don't want to keep running away from this problem, you know? I want to be able to hang out with these people, who are really truly good people, without losing my mind if they want to drink something. None of them try to force it on me or anything of the like, and like I said, they all just kind of get silly when they're drunk; it's nothing like my mom, and I want to be able to wholly recognize that. Options as far as friends go would be nice, and you're totally right, I just wish I didn't have to limit myself to such a small minority on this campus. Sober people are really hard to find at this school.
-- Edited by Jenn on Saturday 22nd of October 2011 11:19:50 PM
I am so glad that you have reached out here and to alanon face to face meetings in your college area. Living with this disease creates many very confusing and painful. situations that can make our lives unmanageable.
You have taken a huge step by posting here and connecting in the community. You deserve to have a normal college experience. and a normal life.
I urge you to continue to pursue alanon and this Board Here is where I learned to take care of myself, focus on my needs, live one day at a time with faith in a Higher Power and trust in myself.
Your Dad and Siblings could also benefit from attendance of alanon meetings
they say every journey starts with the first step. I am glad that you trusted us enough to share your experiences with alcoholism. I have a son your age and he goes out parting, I alo did at your age and I can understand that alot of people in college do this. You say that you have fun with your friends in other ways and if you are o.k with them drinking you can just remove yourself before people get drunk. I have been put off drinking since my partner is an alcoholic I used to love going out. Today I still go out but I leave early before people get too drunk.
I hope you make it to the al anon meeting it is stepping out of your comfort zone but trust me its worth it. As you say no one understands unless they have lived with it and the people in al anon have. I love going to my meetings where I can share what is happening in my life and the other people do not judge because they understand.
I can not put into words what al anon has done for me it has changed my whole life. Today i understand my partner is ill, Luckily he has gone to AA and is getting himself better there is hope. But alcolholism is a family illness it affects us too. In al anon we learn about this illness and how to protect ourselves. as hotrod suggests it would be great if your dad when to al anon and maybe your brothers could attend alateen.
hope to hear from you again soon and good luck with your studies
my mum was exactly the same- an aggressive chronic alcoholic- she verbally abused us- ripped our homework up- broke our posessions and ranted on for hours- someitmes the police wuld have to be called.
look- i havent got time right at this minute- but yu can message me any time- i know this sounds far fetched as you hate alcohol- as did I- but its not uncommon for children like yu and me to turn to alcohol and drugs ourselves- as emotions for us get too consuming and so much damage has been done it gets ovewhelming and thats when we turn to substances to help-
so its a good idea for to start al-anon and try and work through it all in otherways- trust me- i wish i did!
anyway- like i said- not much time at the moment- i know exactly what you are going throug and have been through.
I just wanted togive you a warm welcome myself as so many others have. You are in the right place. I too grew up in an alcoholic home and know exactly what it is like to have an alcoholic parent. Alanon face to face meetings were the key to help heal those relationships.
There is healing in doing writing. Getting the toxic obsessive thoughts out somewhere in the universe rather than burying them alive within us is a good thing to do. Please feel free to unload here. There is experience, strength, and HOPE amongst us. We would like to pass that one to you. So, keep coming back, reading, and getting to know us better.
Im amazed by your intellect and writing skills for being 18....but anyhow...You are spending a lot of energy wondering why and wishing you were different. But you know exactly what makes you different and have spelled it out clearly here.
Yes, Alanon would be a good place for you and ACOA would probably be even better. Not sure if you want to look at counseling for your trauma history. I am not saying you need counseling but there has been legitimate trauma in your upbringing and it's affecting you.
Not everyone at those parties is stumbling drunk, though a lot of them are and I can understand your aversion. Ideally, you want to get to a place where you can just accept how you grew up and who your mom is without it churning up so much intense emotion. It may take counseling and more time for you to realize or develop coping skills to feel safe and also to not feel less than others due to your history.
You state you want to be normal. Okay well....you are normal and you have just had some abnormal experiences. In fact....you are way ABOVE average cuz most kids would wind up in the system in one way or other being raised in that chaotic environment and here you are off at college and succeeding.
So, don't criticize yourself. You are not abnormal. Your experiences have shaped you into the person you are and that person is pretty good right?
you are what you are and you need to love yourself- as you havent been shown respect- consideration and self esteem. so yes you will be different but i think we need to accept- this is the waY IT IS/. i was thinking this morning.....its funny you posted- as i was thinking when i was younger i spent my whole yun ger days wishing to be lik others- i would look at their confidence- their clothes- their lives. but these people- even though theyve had hardships too- havent been through what yu have been thrugh- so you arent going to be bubbly and life and soul of the party- chances are you have had your personality repressed . but look at the positives- you have tremendous strength and wisdom- already- and thats only going to grow. everyone is unique- value who you are.
Hi Jenn, I am also new here, I found this online and so far I am very glad I did. I too have alcoholism in my family its funny though because I never really saw it was alcohol I was too busy seeing the person and the love and worry I have for them that the alcohol side of it didnt really seem to be what was wrong. My brother is 40 now and has been drinking all his life alot but the last 6 years have been very bad on and off and he does not seem to sleep much just drinks all night. He is paronoid and believes that the town wants him out and that my sister is plotting against him or something. My sister is a bit mad at times and she says things that would almost make anyone paronoid if you know what I mean but a normal person would rationalise that, my brother on the other hand just reads into it. I dunno its all a bit mad at the moment. I live in another county and when I go home he is always drinking heavily wanting me to stay up drinking with him. Two times he mentioned about ending it all and later said to me sorry I would never do that to you. The following day he comes to the house and is drinking again saying sorry but it is just arkward to be around as I feel like I am causing myself major anxiety trying to do and say the right thing and fix it all. I am the youngest in the family but seem to take on everyones problems so now is the time to change it I am going to go to Alan non too and would recommend you do the same. You are your own person, your mothers experience is her own let her keep it and dont carry that baggage with you, enjoy your college life and dont feel weird just because your not drinking so what! I have friends that dont drink and I have the upmost respect for them, the people that are supposed to be and remain in your life will do so weather drink is a factor or not. Its true what the others have said what happens in life to you only makes you stronger and the person you are today and if I may say so you sound like a very intelligent and caring person, well done and best of luck with your studies.
) during college and none of them ever got drunk. They may not be in the majority at your college, but I'm sure there are some. So one of your options is to find the group of students who do most of their socializing without drunkenness, and scaling back on hanging out with those who do. It is absolutely possible.