The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted in a while, I have been isolating myself again to some degree and have not been able to do what I need. For the past couple of weeks I have been feeling as if something was not right and was fighting it. My A and I have been talking and seeing each other frequently and the past couple of weeks have been strained. My intuition and his actions led me to beleive that things were amiss. I kept going in my life, doing what I need to keep going, but I kept talking to him and seeing him even though I knew something was wrong and I wasn't getting what I needed. I attempted to talk to him about it a few times and it never happened. He keeps talking about "working on things" in our marriage, but yet we never talk about or work on anything. He doesn't talk about ANYTHING with me, it is very superficial, he comes we watch TV he leaves. No substance. We have been separated now for 2 1/2 months. Last night I said we need to talk. He said he would come over today. He came and we spoke for a while on how he doesn't know how to fix what is wrong between us, he doesn't know where to start. Strangely enough, lately, I have been having dreams of him smoking pot. I ALWAYS have dreams when he's up to something. Call me intuitive, whatever, I know. So I asked him. He said yes, I have. I tried not to react. He said he's having a tough time and he knows that things will never work out between us if he's not sober. Now I feel like this whole separation is a game he has been running on me and that I'm being held hostage still. I feel fooilsh for believing that it was helping. I feel foolish for having hope. I just feel so stupid.
Kim, I am so happy that you found the strength to come out of isolation & post here. Posting what you did took a lot of courage... and it is a step in the right direction of caring for YOU!
I don't believe for one minute that you are "stupid!" I think you are human, and experiencing human feelings, and you are having a tough time dealing with an addicted person.
Keep caring for the most important person in the world... and that would be YOU!
Don't feel stupid. Just ask yourself honestly if you used this separation in any way as a manipulation tool in order to get him to behave the way you want (ex: stay sober)?
If that's the case then you're only setting yourself up for a resentment. That's what we do whenever we expect something from someone or do something with the intention of it causing the outcome we want. We have no control over these things.
Now if you chose this separation because you felt it was best for you right now, and what you needed that's another story. If seeing him the way you have been isn't working for you, or is stealing your serenity, than decide what changes need to be made to make YOU feel better.
You're not being held hostage unless you allow yourself to be. During this separation it's a great time to really work on you. Delve into this program, hopefully with a sponsor and get busy on your stepwork. It will do so much for you, your attitude, your mindset, your future and maybe even your marriage. If your husband sees you working on yourself and getting healthy, it just may encourage him to do the same. Even if not, you'll still be getting better and that is most important.
I'm glad you came out of isolation. Keep on posting.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Oh my goodness Kim, you are not stupid. I have always seen you as a very strong and intelligent woman. You are very clear on what you want and need and you take care of yourself, How could a stupid person do that? I know how that feels when one more time you feel disappointed in the one you love and hope for to be clean. But that is what they do. Unless they are in recovery they will not be able to help themselves(my opinion). And he is not doing it to hurt you. You must remember that. I know it hurts. You do not have to feel foolish for hoping or for wishing that the separation was helping. It was helping YOU to take care of YOURSELF. No matter what he does, you will be okay. You have taken care of yourself the best way you know how and should be proud of yourself for that! Please know that I am praying for you, I was wondering where you were!
I know for me when I isolate now that I am in recovery, it is normally because I am afraid that what I am telling myself is fine will be so glaring to others that they will instantly say "What in the world are you doing to yourself here?" When I share my fears, concerns, or feelings with others, it is because I am finally ready to acknowledge them myself.
I know exactly how you feel, as I have been where you are. You have been concerned and afraid and unsatisfied but were not ready to accept or address those feelings until now, and now you are beating yourself up a little because you did not take action sooner. What I can tell you from my experience and from my objective viewpoint of your situation is that we become ready to feel and experience things in life on HP's time, not on any schedule we set for ourselves, and we are all right where we are supposed to be to learn whatever it is we are supposed to be learning.
Be gentle with yourself, Kim-- you are not foolish or stupid. To some degree all of us who live with concern for someone else's chemical dependencies and addictions are blind to certain things sometimes, but the important thing is that you are aware of your feelings now, and rather than getting bogged down in how you should have done things sooner or better, hold your head up and be proud that you are brave enough to feel your honest feelings and share them with others who understand.
You deserve to spend your time in the company of people who appreciate you and value your gifts, who you appreciate and value as well. Put your will and your life and that of your loved one into the hands of your HP, and the people who are supposed to be in your life will appear, and the ones who are not supposed to be in it will move on. Either way, you can't predict what will happen, but no matter what, you will be ok if you make the choice to be.
Keep coming back here, and stay close to your friends in the program now. Be good to yourself, I know you can do it.
I guess I mostly feel stupid b/c I allowed myself to get drawn in again. I wanted the separation b/c it what was best for me. I needed to get the "cancer" of addiction out of my day to day life. It was eating away at my soul. He entered treatment, two weeks ago he left. He continues to go to meetings, but it is still a struggle for him to stay sober. All of it, has been for me. To get back with me. None of it has been for him and for that I feel foolish. I did not make it that way. I did not use this as a bargaining tool. I just set the boundary. But for some odd reason he needs to use me as a reason. I don't want to be the reason. It is a HUGE responsibility and I don't want it. I told him that. But I also don't want to live in an altered reality. He feels that being honest with me today was a "step in the right direction". He didn't come out with it on his own, he was asked. Yes, he could have lied. But does that make it any better? I feel like the past two and a half months I have been trying to work on myself. But I still hurt. I wish it would stop.
hey kim, glad to C U posting here.....its fellowship that gets us through the crappy times.......the meets here are great, i have slacked off last week, but not anymore....i find myself more level, when i am going to meets, and sharing......rosie
Whoa, be gentle with yourself. Go back and read your posting, you are not stupid, you just have hope, that isn't a bad thing. Work on your program, what you need to do to help you. My A and I were only separated a couple weeks, we are back together now but I continue to work on me everyday. Although he is coming to terms in his own way that he has a problem with alcohol, I can not rush that, I can not do as I have done in the past and interrupt my HP plan with my A. I love my A but sometimes me not knowing by me not asking is what he needs to carry around with him. My A needs to figure it out and surrender, I can't make him.
