The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I was reading the story ‘Even a therapist can be affected by alcoholism’ in the book How Al-anon Works and something struck me. In the story, the woman in the program realized that her husband needed “to experience the consequences of his behavior and feel his own discomfort.” She then says “I had hoped that this discomfort would lead my husband to seek (recovery). Instead, he chose to leave our marriage.” I got tears in my eyes when I read this because I see this has happened in my marriage to my wife. I can make so many parallels between her codependent behavior and an alcoholic’s. When I started my recovery, she was in need of recovery herself, but maintained most of the focus on me as the cause of her misery. Never mind the fact that she comes from a dysfunctional family and suffers from depression, all compounded by living with the abuse of my alcoholic behavior for 15 years. Her ‘fix’ was to get rid of the problem, me, with the divorce. That makes about as much sense as me trying to solve my alcohol problem by divorcing her. Why not? The stress of the strained marriage made me drink! HA!
Here’s how it goes:
He stopped drinking and I’m still unhappy, it must be because of him, sober or not.
(She said she’s going to Al-anon and I’m still drinking, al-anon doesn’t work, she still makes me drink.)
I spend time away from the family on weekends and when I come home to HIM I’m miserable. I need space, I’ve got to get away from him.
(I feel great when I go out drinking at night, but the next morning when I wake up and SHE’s there, I feel so crappy. I’ve got to get her out of my life.)
I don’t really want the divorce, but I’m miserable because of his behavior, I have no choice.
(I don’t really want the divorce, but I can’t stop drinking because of the way she treats me, I have no choice.)
Got a new boyfriend and once the divorce is final, everything should be better.
(I’ve decided to only drink beer now, no need stop, the wife won’t be around forcing me to get drunk on the hard stuff anymore.)
The divorce is final and I still feel like crap.
(The divorce is final and I still feel like crap.)
She’s been saying how horrible she feels about the divorce, how she made so many mistakes, she shouldn’t have gotten involved with another man, she shouldn’t have listened to everyone to go through with it, how she mistreated me, she didn’t understand what I was going through in early sobriety, …. But there she is out again with the same people this weekend. Nothing is changing. Still miserable but still following the same path. It’s no different than an alcoholic showing remorse during a hangover and resolving not to drink anymore, and then the disease takes over again.
I know I can’t change her or get her to see how self destructive her behavior is. Looking at it this way is really helping me see how powerless I am over the situation. I need to realize that so I can stop getting hurt myself.
WOW Uncle Lou! Is that ever prophetic! Thank you so much for posting that. I didn't realize it, but it is so true. I spent alot of time blaming my misery on my husband, and when I kicked him out, and I was still miserable, I STILL blamed it on him. It was only through several years of alanon that I realized truly that I was responsible for my own mental health, and that I could not depend on someone else to make me happy. I could, however, count on someone else to share my happiness.
Uncle Lou, I don't think you realize it, but I think your post is going to help many people tonight. It sums up the disease perfectly. Especially for people who are doing step one.
Good summary of what my recovering A has said to me. He left in June - you are the problem, I am unhappy because of my relationship with you. I agree with captcodee that your post will help alot of people. I am trying so hard to take Step 1 with my A. I think that it is interesting how we all seem to switch roles in our marriages.
Thank you so much for this post, you have described my life with my husband the a exactly. Those thoughts are the ones that would run through my head all of the time, and although I cannot speak for him I'm pretty sure his thought patterns were similar.
Both my a and I have a disease and I guess in a way, we all feed off each other in these diseases. He is an alcoholic, I am an enabler. I am working on my end, he will choose his own path. I have realized that I cannot fix him but I can fix me, it will take time and tears but I can do it.
I was miserable with him and I am even miserable without him, sometimes it seems as if it is a no win situation. But when I feel like I am in this battle all alone, a post such as yours comes through and reassures me that I and the army of others like me are all going through similar situations and emotions. I am not alone, none of us are, and neither are you. We are all here for each other literally every second of every day.
Quite the post. Really makes me think. I'm still with my active A and do not want to be; but you're right it takes two, and the grass is not always greener.
My husband is always telling me I would still be miserable without him and I think he may be right. I go through this thought process a lot. It touched a lot of nerves for me. Until I learn how to be happy for myself, I will never be happy. It is an easy concept but a very HARD one to follow!!! Do I sound connfused? Cuz I feel confused!
Thanks for bringing this up. Now I need to go back to step one
wow lou!!! i used to blame the outside for MY misery too....until i got here, and decided with great fear, to look within...i have been lookin within since....lost some people in the meantime Bcuz i was changing, setting boundaries, loving me and thus not takin abuse.....yeah, that slogan "let it begin with me" really hit home for me...my life has changed quite a bit (relationship wise) cause i am takin care of /healing me...thanks for this, lou, rosie
I find myself reflective of other people's journeys. I see so much in so many people's lives, especially here on the board, of my own life. It is easy to tell someone what worked or didn't work for my life. I read your posting and immediately thought of Melody Beatie, how she went from being an A to being Co-dependent. She overcame it, all of it. You can too, Lou. Words are just words, action is what counts. And then we go back to "nothing changes if nothing changes" you seem to be focused on your A a lot. You wrote to me a couple months ago and pointed out that I had listed my A in my posting 12 times, so now I want to ask you..."what are you doing for you?" be gentle with yourself and remember that each step of the journey is the journey.
rosie