The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How do you talk to an A? My husband hasn't drank in 20 years so I am pretty sure that he is sober. He has chosen to "amputate" the relationship. I just can't talk to him on any level. We still have mutual finances, possessions, etc. He at first said that he didn't want to have anything to do with me for a year. Now, he says that that isn't realistic. He says that we will always have a relationship because of our 3 sons. It is like talking to a cardboard cut-out of him. He asks how the weather is and so forth. If I try to talk on a personal level (read emotional) he walls up. He never calls, never initiates a conversation. When we don't have some kind of emotional connection, it is difficult for me to talk about anything. I think what it does to me is invalidates our 31 year marriage and invalidates me as a person. In codependency I am told to take care of myself and be in my adult mode. How do you do that? When my husband and I do talk, I invariably come away with a deep sense of disappointment. I never seem to come away with anything for myself. It is all about what he wants for himself.
My "A" does that to me to. Some magic button he has that makes me think he has no emotions, but he does, he is just in denial. It drives me nuts. But I think step 1) I can't control it. step 2) God can help me. step 3) I give it to God. Nothing else I do can help me. I also call my sponsor, and talk with her. She helps me get through the hurt.
I wish I had a magic button for you to push, but I hope this helps.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Like somebody said to me in an Al-Anon meeting one time.......like going to the hardware store for milk !! Agree with other comments. Go to step 1....admitted...
Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.
Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy?
It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.
Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection - of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.
Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors - from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance - every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other's fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.
Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?
The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn't know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.
When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection - it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.
When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another's demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.
Sadly, I have learned that if I expect a conversation to come out a certain way when dealing with my husband, I will almost always be disapointed. It is horrible not to be able to count on the person you are married to for any sort of satisfaction or emotional cnonection, but if they are an alcoholic, I don't think you can.
I find the safest thing for me to do is to expect nothing. If he is sober, I will talk to him, but I try and have no expectations. If it by some miracle turns out to be a nice conversation, then I am pleasantly suprised. But if it doesn't, or he is just noncommital, sarcastic, selfish or demanding, I can walk away without being hurt.
I am just becoming aware of this fact; that conversations with my A are not going to be open-minded or free flowing; they are usually fraught with some hidden agenda; his. I usually feel some support initially, but then the minute I say something he takes as critical or in the least bit to his dislike; he's off to the races. He can cut me down in a second, and then the conversation is usually over, no more give and take, or listening going on. It's awful, and I feel lonely just knowing that he's thinking of what he'll say before I finish talking.
If I say something he doesn't like,or he feels is critical against him, he will take it out on me later. We were in Paris for one night once and it could have been a romantic dinner, but because I expressed my opinion on a situation he was describing between his ex-wife and daughter, he left the restaurant, and did not speak to me the rest of the night; except to cut me down. I was so distraught I had to take an anti-anxiety drug I had brought for the plane ride.
Then I married him, and things got worse, but now, three years into the marriage, things have actually gotten better, because we've both seen counselors separately, and I've been going to Al-Anon. I'm writing today because I'm upset over what happened on the phone the other day. Again, he did not like my opinion on why our dvr machine was not working; I thought it might be the service, not the box; he was going to the trouble of bringing the box in for another one, and I guess he wanted me to just praise him for going to the trouble; but I wanted to talk things out. That's all I thought we were doing; he told me he didn't like the way I was talking to him. I said, "I haven't raised my voice or said anything mean to you, what is wrong?" He wouldn't tell me, just said that I thought I was a know it all, or something like that, and hung up on me. I was thinking ,oh well, he's mad about my analytical take on it I guess.
Then later that night he wouldn't speak to me, or look at me when I was talking to him; it was horrible, and this is my point: I would have been okay and just let him get through his trauma, but earlier in the day I had told him what a horrible day I was having and that I was feeling really vulnerable and on edge and sad. He seemed supportive, and I thought it was an intimate moment; but then BAM, a couple hours later he treats me like I don't exist. He's in his own alcoholic world, and I know if I want to live with him, I need to reach out to friends for intimacy, because he just can't be there for me.
This hurts a lot. I thought since things were getting better that he would not treat me like that again, but I guess he reallly can't control it while he's drinking.
So, I either live with it and learn to deal with it like I had been, or leave. I just so desperately wanted him to be concerned for me, have compassion for me, love me the way I needed to be loved; but then those are expectations - I know.
It's great to be here and not feel so alone in all of this. My mom drinks and I am seeing the effects of that on my behavior as well. I am thankful that I got into Al-Anon, it's such an eye opener. I am thinking that my anger and my expectations are a result of boundaries and issues I feel of "unfairness" in my life (I see that I've been around some crazy making shit). I definitely have always expected friends and family to be there for me, as I am for them. I've worked on the friendship part, and now I'm more tolerant for each individual, but when it comes to my romantic relationship; boy look out when I feel you're treating me unfairly. Now I'm letting my A have it; he's sorry at this point that he ignored me that night; but so now we're both unhappy. Great. FRUSTRATING.
I need to realy on an HP here and get a sponsor soon. These boards do help.
