The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It isn't an easy journey! My daughter seems to be doing well even though she is living with her now out of prison newest boyfriend who was in prison for 3 years for intervenious drugs,,,grrrr. Trying not to make that my issue. Thank god she doens't bring him to the house. HIs dad and brother are currently using too. :( My son got a new job that he is very up about after being screwed over by my aunt;uncle who sold him their business and then sold it out from under him and my dad without tellint them first. grrrrrr I did see them and was very adult like and cordial around them for the sake of my parents. Back to the marriage now. My husband as many of you know decided that a FAT Lazy wife is not his type of peron to have sex with or show any love to what so ever. He does do some things but no touching, kissing, hugging, hand holding or saying I love you. Just all when are you going to lose weight! I sure haven't seen you do anything about it yet! Don't you realize how big you are! Look at yourself! Gosh, I just made it through my steps to be able to cope with alcoholism and not assaoholism!
As you know my paernts moved closer to me by 2 hours so to still give us our privacy and not to inetrfer. I want to go see my mom again this weekend. After noticing how she has been falling which is a progression of alzheimers and after watching my dad sitting and not being able to breathe after carrying some things in from mendards which he should not have carried in, it was another huge wakeup call to how unwell they really are :( I keep my feelings in until I get home and then pretty much crash in bed with overwhelming despair.
Many people are blessed with a spouse that is very understanding and supporitive in a situation like this. There have been small glimpses of him being like that. But not many. Now all I have gotten was more about my being FAt and Lazy and when are you going to do something about losing weight! I can sure tell you haven't lost anything over the past 6 monts. Is that all you are going to do an lay there in bed and do nothing! This was after a busy day for me with 2 different doctor appointments one of which was accupuncture which usually wears me out and I need to go right to bed. I guess all I could muster up to say was, I did do the dishes yesterday and the clean ones are in the dishwasher. forgot to mention teh floors I have mopped and all the rugs I have washed and carpets cleaned. And all those little things no one notices anyway. He finally shut off the light and closed the door and let me sleep.
Here I am at almost 7am. I took a sleeping pill per do order and finally slept until he got up at 3:30am then I got up and started cleaning the house. I am damned if I do and damne if I dont. I have 3 doc appts today so I guess I will just look like crap for the appts. I took another sleeping pill and a muscle relaxer to be able to do some cleaning. I have chronic pain and house work does not go well with my pain.
What am I trying to prove? I guess I am trying to own up to my responosibilities. I want to see my mom!!!!!! She is progressing fastly!!!! ONe day she will not know me! So if I have to clean the house, I will clean the house. I guess I can sit with my mom an just visit and be in pain, Better than nothing. Hubby can go hunting or do his weekend things and think nothing of it. But heaven forbit I "run away" to see my parents when I have house work to do. I may in fact invite then here! Not sure yet. They are pretty lonely too. Why did God make my husband such an angry cruel person with such an ucaring cold heart to only me. Why does he hate me so much: I did not choose to get sick although he sees it as my fault. He even told me years ago that i gave myself my cancer! And he was screaming that when he siad that! He won't go to counseling or seek our help for depression. Why, It is all my fault. MY fat is cauing all the problems! Livng with this Oger/Monster of a person is ruining his life.I must be really stupid to want to keep my 27years marriag together.
I guess when I start this mental health program next week that goes for 5 weeks from 9am to 3pm a day I can figure out me and what me ticks.But it is still the 3 Cs with him. Doing this program is way better than doing myself in. My parents need me and my kids need me. Otherwise, I sure would be a big burden taken off of alot of people.
So here I am. Why not take more drugs than normal just to be able to clean this stupid house to make him happy. I want my marriage to work. I know it won't be good enough. Nothing will be. I guess I am just waiting for god to knock on his head and say,,,,YOu have a wonderful family an a wife that loves you and has stuck by your side. Time to love them and appreciate them and show them how much you love them back. Am I wasiting my time? I am on the verge of losing my life. NOt sure how this will play out. Daughter was here today and her dad yelled at the kitten. Daughter said, well at least dad has something esle so yell at besides me now. :( He sure needs an anger management class. He is a very angry person. He hasnt always beeen this way.
I made a copy of all your kind and thoughtful replies to my other post. I am going to carry some with me and put some others on the bathroom mirrors. They sure help to read them. Bless you for sending them to me. With them I fell a need to stay alive. Just one day at a time for me. ONe breath at a time too like tonight. I treasure all you have said. I just am not in a poisition to give back now. I am losing my self very quickly. But at least I am reaching out and getting professional help before it is too late for me. cdb,,,,you friend in recovery xoxoxoxoxo
I hope this comes out the right way as I value you as a person so very much. First of all your husband has choices just as you do no-one is forcing him to stay with you. If you are such a horrible,ugly person inside and out as well as lazy then why the ..... is he still with you. Simply put you are not any of these things. You do not have to justify to him how much housework you have done I am sure he doesn't make a list of the jobs he has had to do. My teenagers have a saying if they don't want to answer something i ask them. For instance you have done nothing around the house all day, reply "whatever". There is no come back on that one I actually use it in reverse on my kids and they don't like it. Start the healing process on you take a nice long hot bath after a visit with Mum and Dad. Shut the door take a magazine in with you and DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Once you start to work with your counsellor you will get stronger to deal with the other things happening in your house. If the support has not been forthcoming in the past from your husband it is probably not going to start now. NUMBER ONE PRIORITY IS YOU. Luv Leo xxx
Oh dear sweet thing, you know he must blame someone else for his problems, and it is easiest to blame you. If it were not the weight issue, it would be something else. Yes, he's angry, and striking out at you is his only defense against what he realizes is a wasted existence that he cannot deal with...so far.
I wish I had the magic words...I'd use them to stop all of this madness and hurt you are suffering. My heart breaks for you. I ask myself over and over again; why is it WE have to do the suffering for the problems that our As cause? Of course he is suffering too, but that's of his own making. We didn't ask for this, and most of us didn't expect it.
I pray for you each day; and yes, your hubby and daughter too. And your ailing Mom and Dad. I fervently hope that you find the peace you deserve. Do try to hang in. Better times are coming.
With deep caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Your caption read,,the program works,,and then added the "but", From reading your post it seems it is all about other people and what they are doing or not doing. What about you? What are you doing for yourself or not doing for yourself? Have you attended face to face meetings at all? Have you got yourself a sponsor? Have you put your medical , physical, mental needs first for once? Have you put all your alanon experience into practicing in "all" of your affairs. Dont give up, I have seen you help others , so apply the same suggestions to yourself. Get mad, get up and do something not for anyone else,,,but for YOU!....take care,,,,gardengal
cdb HUGGGSSSSSSSSS I know how hard it is to deal with some people sometimes and my prayers are with you to get through all of this while you are struggling.
I have to say that I just couldn't stop laughing with the term you used you get through the alcoholism, but now have to deal with the assholoism reference. hahahaha Great way to put it. Wouldn't it be GREAT if there were a group for that? Although, I'd have to say, we'd all probably have to be there sometime or another, I'm sure. Especially, when we're on those days where we're pissed and acting just like our A*&&$#@. You fill in the blanks, as there are two words that could apply right? hahaha
Also, the other part that I thought was great was you mentioning about taking stuff to deal with all of this crap. I was at my counselor the other day, talking about all these abusive people in my life. Back in May, when my daughter started freaking out and her Dad started with me, I began taking Wellbutrin for the anxiety. Well, when I went into my counselor the other day when I was upset about my boss at this job being so abusive, she asked if I was still taking the Wellbutrin. IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF! That's what I told her... Yeah, I'll just keep taking more drugs to deal with these crazy people in my life. She just said, no, she understands, when I said, it's not the drugs I need, it's me to move on and away from these people that continue to keep me in my past. I have NO REASON to have contact with my ex, nor this boss of mine who is so -- abusive. I do have the opportunity to move on, as I don't have to tolerate the abuse.
So.... now I go to my doctor and he asks the same thing-- Are you still taking the Wellbutrin. Well, again my response to him, but abit more firm was, "Oh Yeah, I'm still taking it and I'm not increasing my dose so that I can tolerate these people in my life". Continuing to say to him, Yeah, that'd be perfect, just keep druggin me up enough to the point I'm completely spaced out and of course nothing will get to me. BULLSHIT!! Pardon me! But it clearly says in scripture that WE ARE NOT TO BE UNEQUALLY YOKED. It DOES NOT SAY, that we are supposed to take as many drugs as it takes to allow us to tolerate people. Sorry, this isn't the life God intended for me! So, my doctor is like Ok, Ok, he understands what I'm saying, he's not suggesting an increase. hahaha And if you didn't read my last post, it was with this discovery and being away from work, everything or everyone, I learned that I am going to pursue ministry studies. This is all NONSENSE-- cause it keeps me from pursuing what it is that God wants me to pursue so I'm putting my trust in Him completely to guide me where He wants me to go for these studies, find the resources and begin this new life.
cdb, hang in there..... Ya know God is ALWAYS by your side, knows your heart and will always be there through good or bad times. Nobody has the right to insult or degrade anyone and just remember that it is those people that have to deal with God, not you. Maybe that will help you in thinking of that each time your husband is so degrading of you. God made you just as you are and so when he talks about you, he is essentially talking about God. That is rather serious, don't you think? In turn, thinking of it that way-- it makes sense why we are to pray for people who hurt us, because God is ALWAYS watching. :)
cdb As I quoted in another post... Problems have only the size and the power you give them.
I noticed in your post you brought up the selling of the business that was supposed to be your sons. Why the hell are you still carrying that one, or at all for that matter? It was months ago, between your son and the Aunt/Uncle! Let it go!! It's not yours! The boyfriend from prison..It's not yours! Of course your parents failing health is sad, but try to change your focus and appreciate every moment you have with them without the worry stealing precious quality time away from you and them. Put it HP's hands, where it is anyway..Let it go!
Then, you will have some room left on those shoulders to work on you.
Can I suggest you go through your post again and decipher just what is yours, what you have chosen to carry on your shoulders, and what you should leave to the those it belongs to and... let go of it. Is there anything you can do to change any of these things anyway? NO!
Accept the things you cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you for the great feedback! You are all so right. I am wallowing in my drama and uncertainty and the things I need to let go of and cannot control. I will go to my family doctor soon, then my psychologist and then see the accupunturist. I guess I am taking care of me the best I can right now with all ths damned hurting excruciating pain! I certainly am not letting my HP in the driving seat either. I will re-read all of this when I get home. I at least got the shower in our master bath cleaned! Boy was it a mess! IT is obvious who is the only one that does any kind of cleaning around here! I am going to call and find out how much the merry maids cost! My body can't take this anymore! I am not the person I use to be, plain and simple! Time to get going, update you after my appts. Thanks for your unconditional, loving support! I feel dadrrb with me too. cdb
I agree with Christy, slow down and reread your post and break it down. You are trying to save the world all the time and not taking care of you. You tried to take care of me today, sweet but not necessary, I don't need you worrying about me. I will ask for help when it is needed, you know I know your number!
You have a nurturing quality with everyone but yourself! It's OK to put the focus on you!
josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
