The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK so we're suppose to let "them" figure things out for themselves, make their own mistakes, etc - but what happens when it affects the family? Before DH was out for 8wks recuperating (from kidney removal) he had been calling in sick (maybe once a month) on Fridays due to overdrinking (he wont admit that) on Thurs pay day so his sick time had been dwindling. When he was recuperating 3 of those 8wks he wasnt paid because he ran out of time. He won $50 on a scratch ticket but of course had to use it to get more booze! (his usual is (2) 1/2gal weekly for black russians) instead of putting towards family bills! How do I let things like this go when Im then the one financially responsible?
Fiances are a scary thing to deal with. At this point you might consider starting a separate account that he has no access to for you and your children. I call it a "Just in case" fund. You don't have to funnel a great deal in it, just a bit at a time. Do it a separate bank. That way if things really get out of control you have something to fall back on. It's not about "letting it go". Would it do any good if he admitted the fact that he spent his money on booze rather than paying bills? Do you really think that an active A cares? They probably don't.
I'm sure other members will have more helpful suggestions.
Live strong, Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Money is a tough one with this disease. It cost money for them to buy the booze and whatever else comforts them while they drink (ie cigarettes, snacks, etc.) I have the same situation in my house. It hasn't happened excessively lately with him calling off work due to a hangover, but a couple of times. He used to do it all the time, and he'd get fired and blame it on his boss or a peer that got in his face and he got in their face. It's frustrating being the only one in home that works hard and trys hard to be responsible with the funds. I get nickled and dimed every week even after he's gotten his allowance. I empathize with your anger because I go through it every pay period. My "a" does not take responsibility for his own money and I can't expect him to take responsibility with my money. He and I have a joint account, but he does not have a debit card on him. If he wants something he has to ask for the card or cash. I often have to say, "sorry we just don't have the money right now." He's very resentful that I control the funds, but does nothing on his own to manage his finances. I am fervant with tracking each purchase and calling the bank each week to make sure he has not swiped the card again to buy beer. It's a pain in the butt, and he's an adult, but I'm protecting my butt financially so I can keep the bills current and a roof over our heads.
I am also setting up a separate savings account for myself and my children. If I don't I will not have anything to put away for college or retirement. Everything is in my name, the house, car, etc. If he want's something I have basically broken it down for him. His income doesnt cover all our expenses I have graciously agreed to give him allowance every month, and I myself have the same amount allowance. I merely put everything on paper, what he makes what I make, and what our monthly expenses are. To be fair I split the finances down the middle excluding my own personal debt before we got together, I have money left over every month, that I have demanded as mine. No judge would argue, I earn it, it's mine. If he wants more money I told him " get a better paying job". This is the only way I knew how to make him accountable and responsible for his living expenses and our children.
He's gotten a good free ride for a major part of our relationship and I finally got up the nerve to say look, I'm not going to be responsible for your half of living expenses or your beer habit.
You have to do what works for your situation. Talk to a financial advisor, research ways of securing any little bit of money you have to benefit your needs. Give him an estimate maybe of how much he spends on alcohol each month then compare it to a bill that could be paid, savings, or extra family fun. Good Luck and stay strong.
Just remember his disease controls his decision making, he probably knows deep down that he should give extra money to the family, but he makes the choice to spend it on alcohol, those nasty cravings kick in. So, you have a choice too, get tough for you if you have to.
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Thank you for bringing up this topic....I can't seem to get it right and it is terrifying...I know that it has the power to cripple me so I can not work the program because of fear which will lead to other things. So my sponser always says about the annoying things they are the gifts that keep giving so I am learning more and hopefully the lessons aren't too costly .My fear has led me to delving into this more with my character defects such as denial, dishonesty, etc....it has been a slow process and each month seems to cost me more and more $$$ because of this. As of now, I have had accounts reviewed, set up boundaries (absolute necessary $$ from A which he usually fails to meet), some $$$ hidden. We are in debt up to our eyeballs, I resent him so much because of his inability to make an income, etc. If I were strong I would issue an ultimatum, and be prepared to split. My serenity is so much at risk cuz of this. My sponser says my serenity should be my main focus and not the money. So I guess I should work steps 1,2,3 and then prepare and secure my assets. Thanks for the venting everyone.
Finances have always been one of my biggest concerns. My husband always had enough money for bowling. He took whatever he wanted out of the bank, whenever he did, and if a check bounced because he took the money it was my fault for writing the check.
He took off several days a week and because of it lost job after job. It got to the point that I am the only one who works. He gets unemployment, but according to him and his parents, that is suposed to be his money, he needs money to live. We have six children and a house and I am expected to deal with everything. Pay the health insurance, the car insurance, the mortgage, and the utilities not to mention food or other expenses. If I don't work the hours to pay the bills they don't get paid, and we end up homeless, or without electricity etc.
I put him out of our home because of his drinking and not working and he now lives with his parents. He still wouldn't work, and he wants for nothing because his parents make sure he always has money and every comfort, as they always have. We where in a position where if I wouldn't pick up the slack, the only ones who felt the consequenses of his drinking would be the kids and I. His parents have always made sure he had everything he needed or wanted.
Though we are not considering Divorce at this time,I made a decision and brought half the bills over to his parents house. I gave them to the three of them and said he was responsible for paying those bills. They argued that he did not have the money to pay them. I told them that I didn't care how they got paid, but if they didn't I would see him in family court and he could explain to a judge how his Mommy doesn't think he should have to work, or support his children.
His parents are now paying the bills. His Mother calls me a hypocrite and says I don't want them to enable or help him, but I think its ok for them to pay the bills. I just tell her that I want him to pay them, but as he isn't willing to and they are encouraging that attitude then in reality he is taking from them, not me. The alternative is for him to go and get a job. It shuts her up.
It is one thing to let them suffer the consequenses of their drinking, but when there are children you have to use your best judgment. The whole family should not have to suffer, especially when the A doesn't seem to be suffering at all.
When it comes to finances, you have to protect yourslef and your children. The best you can do is sock something away for a rainy day, set up your own accounts and use your best judgment.
