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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Angry with his disease. Help moving forward...
Post Info TOPIC: Angry with his disease. Help moving forward...
KeepingFaith


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Angry with his disease. Help moving forward...
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I appreciate everyone's responses and support. I feel so frustrated in myself for not being like a jack-in-the-box, popping into reality and just leaving the mess behind me.

I know that the only way for me to feel better right now is to let go of what I have already lost (the love of my life). Consciously I know that is what I should do, that I dont want him as an A and Drug Addict, that I need to put me and my kid first and put the relationship down. Our once loving relationship has turned into him mentally/emotionally abusing me. I'm stuck in the past of what we had before it got bad. All the dreams and tenderness that once made us "us" and our intimacy so great.

I sit here now, feeling abandoned, mad at myself for loving him and not wanting to lose faith in the person I'm convinced is burried underneath this mess of a disease. I so want him to get help, but he wont discuss any of this with me. He just wants to pretend it'll be ok and keep me as this pinnacle of a fantasy-girl he's "working" toward, but we cant dare talk about it or I'm "pushing" him and that makes him "shut down". I'm in a no-win situation with his disease/addictions. Every conversation we have ends up in a fight that onlly resolves if I play into his fantasy world and apologize for hurting him.

Due to his career, he bears an exuberant amount of guilt and shame. Our history of friendship over the past 14 years is strong. He saw my ex-husband treat me terribly and he hated it. He supported me and my kid emotionally for so long and I know that his intention was to never end up where he is now, especially treating me as badly as he is. It kills me that he wanted to date me for 13 years and I finally felt I was emotionally ready to let someone into my life. A few months later, he began taking sleeping pills and within a years time blew his alcoholism into this almost final stage. He is having medical complications from the alcohol and drug abuse, he is continuing to work (even though his job is extrememly dangerous and stressful), and it kills me that no one in his career world can see what is happening to him! He should NOT be working! He should be on medical leave getting treatment before he kills himself. And I'm in tears writing this because I feel so alone in his disease. And I am because I'm still wanting to help him and havent fully accepted that HE has to do it and in HIS time. And I know that I have no control over him, his actions, his choices, or his fate.

Im sorry, I'm rambling in venting...

It's so emotionally tearing and confusing to know that the man I love has been overtaken by this disease and he may never recover. I don't want to lose faith in the hope that he will recover. I just so deeply miss the man I knew him to be. And I can't stand the cruel/abusive cold-hearted jerk he is as this addict.

It kills me so much that he wont talk to me. So I have no idea if he's done *anything* in the past to try to recover. I have no idea of whether or not he's wanting to get help. All I know is what I see now, which is that he'll talk to me as long as its about me and not him, that it can be surface, but nothing emotional, nothing from our  memories as it hurts him that he cant remember, or anything that means a thing... basically our relationship is dead, becasue the man I fell in love with is so sick that he's gone... I miss him so much and I hate that nothing I do can remind him of who he is or help him find strength. I hate that the best thing I can do is walk away and force myself to accept that I've lost him to a disease. But no matter how much I focus on myself and my son, I feel so sad at times, like now, that I hurt so bad, that I so don't know how my heart will heal, that it'd be easier if he had been taken in a different way. It's worse than grieving because there is at least closure there. Here, he's going to work, getting up every morning, drinking or pilling when he needs to and residing in la la land not caring about a thing other than fueling his addictions.

I'm just so frustrated and angry. I wish there was an "Easy Button" like Staples has for your heart... just one little press and poof! All better! :) But here I am, struggling to pull myself out of the quicksand and Im tired and scared.

How do you get to the point of *true* acceptance??? Any and all advice/stories would be deeply appreciated.

<3 Nic

 



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Lindaoakford


~*Service Worker*~

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I am not sure there is much I can say here as I am so very new myself. I can hear and feel your pain. We have been there matey....
There is no easy answer, no magic wand, if I had one I would certainly give it to you at this very difficult time for you.
For me, I am an advocate of letting the tears flow... feel what you are feeling and hopefully when it is fully played out,,, the feeling will change.
Everyone here has virtual arms around you.. try to fell them

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Linda - a work in progress
rrib


Senior Member

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KeepingFaith wrote:

How do you get to the point of *true* acceptance???

Al-Anon is all about becoming emotionally healthy. Go to meetings. Work the steps. Do it for you. You deserve to be happy.



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Jonesy0505


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(hugs) keeping faith. Your story is all too similar to mine right now. It's very hard to make the decision of whether to stand by them and keep hoping or to let go and move on, especially for our kids. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster everyday myself. One thing that keeps me going in the right direction is coming here. This truly is a "one-of-a-kind" family. Keep reading and keep venting. It does help. We are all here for you :)

Sherri

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flopadopilus


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 662
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Hi there.
My acceptance came from working my recovery program one day at a time. I made it to 2 meetings a week whenever I could and I meet with my sponsor weekly except for when I first started Al-anon as soon as I found her she battled breast cancer for several months, which I even felt victimized again by, I took everything personally back then. I now have accepted my A is going to be drunk when it suits him and call me and emotionally abuse me if I let him, which I don't any longer! I am practicing live and let live everyday. I don't try to interfere at all. I have handed so many things that used to spiral me over to my HP. I feel more comfortable in my own skin and like it when I can find time for a walk with my dog and toddler, go on a bike ride, take a long soak with an Al-anon book or even to go swim at the local center and sit in the hot tub afterward. I figured with how many hours I wasted thinking about my A, if I could even use half that time for myself I would be on a great course and now I am. I started Al-anon after the first of the year and found MIP in March, both have helped me keep my journey headed towards my recovery. Keep up the great awareness. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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reading Getting Them Sober was a turning point for me. Reading everything I could get my hands on was what I needed.

Also then researching the disease online helped me to accept it all.

I sure know how you feel. My AH was a contractor using huge dangerous tools. Drilled a hole in his leg, fell down a hill with a chainsaw, and more. ugh.

We just cannot do anything but love them. I had to tell myself every time I missed him that he was no longer there.

In time the futility of it all, made me accept it naturally. I used my tools, gave my life to hp, I do the footwork he brings the results. I came and come here as much as I can. Sharing what I learned worked for me helps.

Once I was really away from him I had to get used to my new life. Took time but my things and ways are familiar to me now. I have the added problem of losing first husband to his addiction killing him. Then there went second one too and many friends so I am sub conciously keeping myself  "safe" from any relationships with men. cept one. and he is an al anoner.

You however are young. I hope you use the tools you learn here. I am so sad it is so painful. I still feel my stomach clench when I read some of what you guys are still going thru!

It does help to go to meetings, read, come here. PM if you need more one on one!

We are here for you. love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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