"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

sandie123 · Senior Member

Detaching with love

marmare · ~*Service Worker*~

This has been the hardest thing for me. Sometimes detaching with love means letting them figure things out on their own. I started small. I announced several years ago (before I admitted he was an A and I was co-dependent LOL) that I would no longer do his laundry. My mother, coming from the old school, thought this was a horrible horrible thing to do. If I cook dinner and he is not there. Oh well. Some days are better then others. I think sometimes the detachment is especially hard when I want to tell him (his personal inventory) what he is doing wrong, how he can fix himself, or what he should be doing. Sometimes detaching with love for me is just saying nothing at all. It doesn't mean building a wall; it just means his stuff is his stuff.

I found this from Al-Anon Headquarters, maybe it will help explain things clearer.

http://www.24-7afg.org/Forum%20Favorites/Detaching%20with%20Love%20.htm

Hugs Mary

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Sandie...

It was once explained to me like this....

Say the A is drunk and passes out on the floor. You shouldn't try to wake him over and over because you think he will be more comfortable in bed.

What you can do is throw a blanket over him and walk away.

Christy

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Boy, that is a tough one, "detaching with love", for an active alcoholic. The easiest way to explain it, I believe, is to do everything in your power to allow them to be fully accountable for their behaviors and actions. That means not cleaning up after them, if they make a mess when they are drunk..... That means not 'cleaning up their relationships' with your kids, if they act irresponsibly towards the kids.... That means having boundaries, for yourself, so as not to get 'sucked in' to their disease, mood swings, etc.... That means having your own program of recovery, and taking care of yourself - regardless of if they are doing the same, and regardless if they are supportive of your need to do so.... That means "hate the disease, love the alcoholic", and treating them as such..... You don't condone unacceptable behavior, but you DO take into account that they are sick.... That means - fully accepting the Three C's, and stop "taking on" their stuff....

In my opinion, Al-Anon teaches us how to "detach with love", bearing in mind that we don't know what that will look like, in the end, for our own unique situations..... Some will stay, and their A's remain active, and that is okay..... Some will leave, and their A's remain active, and that is okay too.....

One of my favourite two lines in recovery:

"he/she is gonna drink, or they won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Take care

Tom

p.s. my other favourite line is: "what you think of me is none of my business"

KathyS · Senior Member

I agree with the other replies as well. Al Anon f2f meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps ourselves all make detaching with love a whole lot easier. If we have been used to behaving co dependendtly for a long period of time, the changes needed in our behaviour take time to make and stick to. Go easy on yourself. Some suggestions....

Stay busy. The saying goes.....When we got busy, we got better. The more time you spend on anything that fills your thoughts will be less time you'll spend obsessing over your A

Work your program. Really work it....meetings, step work, learning to apply the slogans and all the program tools to your daily life.

Don't enable. Enabling is doing anything for the A that they should be capable of doing for themselves. It's hard at first to distinguish what is and isn't considered enabling. Always ask yourself.....does this problem/chore/phone call/ whatever, have my name on it? In other words, is it mine to take care of? If not, then don't do it.

The above should help you get started detaching. If you've never attempted this before, you can more than likely expect negative results at first from your A. They are so used to us revolving our entire lives around them, that when we begin to change that behaviour it upsets their comfort level. As much as they may complain that we're always nagging them, checking up on them, yadda yadda yadda, when we stop doing these things, they don't like it. Chances are they will act up more. That's ok, it's expected. Just continue along your path and sooner or later your A will accept that your changes aren't temporary, they're permanent. He will adjust. Sometimes all it takes is a little change from us to eventually produce changes in them. Think on the slogan.....Let it Begin With Me. That little phrase helped me SO much in the begining of my recovery.

I wanted/expected so many things from my husband that he wasn't capable of giving me. Simple things like his time, attention, respect, etc. When I started putting the focus on myself rather than him, I realized that I myself wasn't behaving in the ways in which I wanted him to behave. If *I* wasn't capable of behaving in a healthy manner, why did I expect him to be able to when he was in the grips of his disease? That's when I started applying that slogan to my daily life. I started acting the way I wanted him to act. I started treating him the way I wanted him to treat me.....with respect and dignity instead of yelling and screaming. I got positive results eventually. I hope you do as well.

lmt123 · Senior Member

Hey, Linda -

Here is something from "that book", lol, from the Dec. 5th reading...

"Today, I will work at detaching in love from troublesome people in my life. I will strive to accept reality in my relationships. I will give myself permission to take care of myself in my relationships, with emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual freedom for both people as my goal."

Hope this helps! Hang in there...

(((Hugs)))

Kathi

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sandie. I loved Christy's answer. I would have said the same thing. In fact, I have DONE the same thing. She gave you a great analogy. I can add no more.

Smiling, Diva

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me it was deciding that I no longer wanted to loose myself in his disease. I started to concentrate on me. That was huge for me. I always being the caretaker, the peacemaker, etc. He had/has his life to live. I have mine. But we can still be together as long as we respect each other boundaries. I know his, and he knows mine. Sometimes, it's easier said than done. But it seems to be working. Detaching with love is absolutely possible.

Live strong,
Karilynn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"