The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 61 yr old grandmother unexpectedly passed away on Saturday, and her funeral is tomorrow. Now you might think that I need the prayers for the funeral, but I beleive in my HP, so don't think that dying is such a terrible thing. I do, however, think that being in the same room as the mother who abandoned me when I was a small child, IS a terrible thing. I have always been involved with my mother's family, but very rarely has she been a part of that. In fact, for the last few years, she has pretty much broken contact with everybody. She has claimed to be this big Christian woman,with all these morals and stuff, yet still abuses her relationships with her siblings. She has NEVER apologized for abandoning me and my father. I chose to live with her when I was 8 (fairy god mother syndrome) and had an insane amount of abuse, mostly mentally, in the 4 months that I lived with her. So tomorrow, I have to be in the same house as her before the funeral, and play nice. I really don't want to, in fact don't think she should be there, but who am I? This is not about me. I am excited that she is going to see my daughter for the second time in her 6 years of life, and want to rub in how good of a parent I have become. i am excited to be bringing my husband, who I was seperated from for 3 years, and am now back together with him. I am almost sadistically excited to rub in her face that you don't have to run away from things.
Her whole family lives within 1/2 hour of each other, but she lives on the west coast, a whole province away. I am trying to let go, since I won't talk to her, how am i going to know what things have pushed her to go so far away.
The thing that pisses me off the most is that I was with the family since Sunday, and my mother was angry that she had to take time off work to come for the funeral. She first said that she couldn't come till thursday...THIS WAS HER MOTHER!
I am so angry at her, and all those feelings that I have burried are now at the surface. SO If I can please have the prayers of my friends to keep me sane, and to remember my program all day tomorrow, that would be great.
Did I mention that my grandfather has been so drunk since this happened that I have had to pull him up off the floor? He has been pulled out of the bathtub, and even the pastor visit had to be postponed at 1:00 pm cause he was too drunk! THis is a great man, but boy, how the disease takes over...
OY VEY! How far I have come, yet how far I have yet to go!
Sorry for your loss. Reading your post got me thinking about my own anger at others. Wanting prove something and rub it in. The topic of your post is about other's prayers. While I'm praying for you and your family, I think I'll also pray for the people I'm angry at, that God may help guide them, and pray that I may be released from the need to rub it in.
I will definitely be thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.
I suggest to ease the situation in advance, that you pray for willingness to treat your mother with the decency and courtesy she has always been incapable of giving you.
Remember that your motives in large part determine the outcome of any situation, and then recalibrate yours...be excited to take your spouse because you are happy that you have successfully reconciled, and be in gratitude that you have been able to work things out... be excited to take your child because you are proud of her, and be in gratitude that somehow you have so much more to give her than what your mother gave you.
Both your spouse and your daughter deserve to be more to you than pawns you will use to "show" someone else ("I'll show her!!!") or cause someone pain. That isn't what you want them to be,either-- these feelings are just your disease giving you the illusion that that's what you want because then it gets to be in control while the wreckage happens.
Take the focus off your mom here, and keep it firmly on you. Do not listen to those old tapes. Staying properly motivated and in your program will keep you from creating messes you will later have to clean up, and you do NOT want to have to make amends later for bad behavior. Let it Begin With You, celebrate your grandmother's life even if everyone else is just celebrating their own personal dysfunction. Set a great example for your daughter, and keep the peace of this program in your mind and heart.
I will say a prayer for you and your family, my condolences on your loss, and congratulations on all you have overcome!
Aron... just my opinion, but if you take the opportunity to "rub her face" in any of those things you brought up, you will appear to her, and others, that you are no better than her.... The BEST revenge, that you could possibly have, is to have a healthy, normal, and chaos-free life, despite her.... If you carry yourself like the healthy, mature person you have become, it will show your mother, and others, how far you have come....
I think it is totally up to you whether or not you want to 'play nice' with your mother or not, but I do believe you will be better off NOT trying to enact a revenge on her.
JMO
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My condolences and prayers to you on the loss of your grandmother.
The reason for the funeral is for you to say goodbye to your grandmother. Your mother will be there, you can't change that, but you can change the way you react toward her.
I am so sorry about the loss of your granmother. My heart goes out to you with his sad loss. YOU just hold your head up high and be who you are! I will be saying prayers for you all day. Detatch the best you can from the dysfunctional things that you will notice loud and clear. Just be an outside viewer and when you see the sickness there just think in your mind, OH, I see...hmm and see it as a learning experience. I will be anxious to hear about your experience. Yes, the funeral is about your grandmother and non one esle. Respect her and be your best you can be at the funeral for her memory. cdb ((((((((((Aron))))))) prayers for you
In trying times liek this my littel secret to staying composed andhandling the day si...I carry a Serenity Prayer card in my pocket. I can put my hand in my pocket and hold it. I can pat my pocket or touch it...and it give me strength. It conforts me that I cant change this jerk I ahve to be in teh same room with. And it keeps me from saying things I will regret later. Serenity prayer is what works best for me. If you ahve one...or could even write it on a small card and put it in your pocket...that migth help you also.
I agree with the previous psoter. If you tell your mother what you think of her actions...you are jsut stoopig to her level. You will better serve yourself and your family by being the healthiest person you can be.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am sorry for your loss.
Don't let the focus of the day become your mother. Keep the focus on your grandmother and you. Revenge is not sweet, we compromise ourselves with it. Hang onto your program, and know you are the better person.
