The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week was hard on me emotionally. I have been in a funk and not really moving forward with my program.. I had become an emotionless being... I guess you could call it survival mode. I have this problem with putting up walls to protect myself and my kids. I know that this is rooted from what I went through as a kid and I have brought it with me into adult hood. I refuse to show that I am upset, I feruse to cry especially infront of my children. Even when I have thoes days when I am on the verge of tears all day I will not cry!!! It is a sign of weekness and I was programed when I was young that if you cry you show weekness and in weekness you are vonerable to more pain and termoil. I do know better now and I have been trying to release some of my pent up emotions but it didn't happen until my mom called to tell me that my uncle passed away. Well after I got off the phone. I cried so hard it hurt my chest. It had to do with so many things that have been going on in my life and my uncle freed me from the little prison I created for myself. (thank you)
Well my husband(A) has been driving me nuts!!! And the more I understand what alcoholics do I am getting more and more peed off at him!!! Manipulation is my A's biggest thing these days, one which I no longer put up with and the more I recognise the manipulation for what it really is the angrier I get at this disease. I try to be honest with my husband about my feeling and the way I take his actions but he laughs it off and pretends like I don't matter. Like I didn't even talk to him about his behaviors. Then after I try to talk to him I am the one feeling guilty and loosing sleep over it all. The biggest issue is sex right now and I absolutly refuse to let him take advantage of me!!!
Lastnight he came home barely able to walk and wanted a hair cut!!! I am a hair dresser which would have been fine but he wants a normal mens haircut and it is next to impossible to cut hair when the person in your chair passes out. I have tried once!! it was awful I ended up shaving his head because he passed out shortly after I started and had no other choice. I had to hold his head up with one hand and shave with the other. It was not fun!!! Then the next day MR. grumpy complained that he had a few hairs that were long. So lastnight I simply explained that I have given him every oppertunity in the last week to get his hair cut and he choose to do other things and that I do not spend my days waiting for him to be ready to sit for the 20 minutes to do my job. So he mumbeled and grumbled about it and instead of engaging in his crap I wrote in my journal. The old me would have let his manipulation get to me and I would have cut his hair and after he passed out in the chair I would have fantisised about shaving off every hair on his selfish body..
I honestly thought that I let go much of this but when his crazy expectations and just plain dumb behavior get to me. All the memories comes flooding back. Then of course I just can't believe that I let so much of this stuff go on.
Anyway sory this was so long. I just needed to get some of it off my chest!
I would have fantisised about shaving off every hair on his selfish body..
Hi JJ,
Okay, I admitt it, I am not a nice person. I had to smile when I read this part.
But seriously, we all have weeks when our emotions get to us, and I think the A's in our lives choose those times to try and drive us nuts. I know myself when I have too much in my head and my heart is too heavy, if I don't let go and cry, my head just feels like it will explode.
Times like this you need to remember to be extra gentle with yourself, and hard as it may be try and tune the A out.
I am very sorry for your loss. It is never easy, I pray that you will find peace in the memories you have of him.
when i am feeling Xtra emotion , i know its my IC (inner child) needing to discharge what ever it is she is feeling.....i allow the emotions....i *shake hands with them* *ride them through* AS i take Xtra care of me.......and yes, people can sense that this time we are feeling vulnerable maybe they can take advantage of it.....that is where BOUNDARIES come in so i can take care of me, while i "feel"........rosie
