The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many of us have trust issues.Some of us tried long and hard to trust untrustworthy people. Over and again, we believed lies and promises never to be kept. Some of us tried to trust people for the impossible; for instance, trusting a practicing alcoholic not to drink again.Some of us trusted our Higher Power inappropriately. We trusted God to make other people do what we wanted, then felt betrayed when that didn't work out.Some of us were taught that life couldn't be trusted, that we had to control and manipulate our way through.Most of us were taught, inappropriately, that we couldn't trust ourselves.
######ROSIE.... for me i learned at an early age....do NOT trust anyone.....any authority figures, not even God.....my house made "nightmare on elm street" look like "leave it to beaver".....explosive violence/ incest/ rage/ beatings/ drinking/ out of control anger/ controlling behaviour....all things negative for the developement of a child...i learned early on that i was "on my OWN" that there was NOTHING in the universe that was going to help me......i got lied to / stroked over so many times, that i thought it was *normal* to be untrustworthy !!!! how many broken promises??? can't count that high....but i WANTED to trust/ i WANTED to beleive, i jsut kept getting confirmed over and over again that to "forget it" nothing is safe.....noONE is safe......yeah, i trusted God to get my abuser off me...can't figure out to this day why God allows child offenders to even live, but i guess i will know when i die....my theory??? we are in *satan's parlor* and we are here under *choice and freewill* and you mix the two together (devil and choice) and you get what happens in the world today ....i also thought LIFE was not to be trusted...to me this was the most unsafe / miserable place to be in....it was a mine field...a study in survival!!!! to try and avoid the childhood helplessness/ hoplessness i felt, i became a control freak.....i had to control/ manipulate my life to "feel safe" if i wasn't in control??? i thought i would fall off a big cliff into this big , dark abyss........finally the *coup de gras* i stopped being able to trust ME!!!! i was a sick/ emotionally/mentally disabled young person who got older and who was STILL sick/disabled mentally and emotionally and i was at the controls!!! rounds and rounds of misery / disasters followed me....suicide was the next step....i tried and failed at suicide ...i figured that the big "S" was the only way i would feel safe!!!! to me, it was the only way to get relief.......
In recovery, we're healing from our trust issues. We're learning to trust again. The first lesson in trust is this: We can learn to trust ourselves. We can be trusted. If others have taught us we cannot trust ourselves, they were lying. Addictions and dysfunctional systems make people lie.We can learn to appropriately trust our Higher Power - not to make people do what we wanted them to, but to help us take care of ourselves, and to bring about the best possible circumstances, at the best possible times, in our life.We can trust the process - of life and recovery. We do not have to control, obsess, or become hypervigilant. We may not always understand where we are going, or what's being worked out in us, but we can trust that something good is happening.When we learn to do this, we are ready to learn to trust other people. When we trust our Higher Power and when we trust ourselves, we will know who to trust and what to trust that person for.Perhaps we always did. We just didn't listen closely enough to ourselves or trust what we heard.Today, I will affirm that I can learn to trust appropriately. I can trust my Higher Power, my recovery, and myself. I can learn to appropriately trust others too.
######ROSIE....when i first got into recovery, on of the first things i discovered was that i was not alone....many others felt like me.....i felt like i had "come home" ....learning to trust again, was and still is an issue for me....so i do it in *baby steps*....start with the little things, and if God handles that ok??? well lets do another....but honestly for me??? i was *forced* to trust....i would be faced with something i HAD to turn over because i was powerless...so i had no choice BUT to *release it, detach, walk away, give to universe* and sure enough the results were so much better than fighting it......little by little i am learning to trust me/ to trust God/ to trust life....to trust SAFE others.....i know that not all people are safe!!! so i use the *ladder test* first rung, i may talk about weather/ sports, etc...if they feel safe?? i go up to rung two!!! and so on, with the *carved in stone* understanding with my inner child that we can "slide down the ladder" ANY time that person feels unsafe!!!!! as i and my IC learn to trust me/ i am becomming more discerning.....when i am powerless?? i turn it over/ release it/ walk away....take care of ME!!! because i become more ACtive than REactive in my life, i make better choices....its a *build up* *putting good things in my 'trust bank' *.......now i have hope...now i realize that as i shed my dysfunction, i am more discerning, thus more trustworthy, thus i make better choices equals better self esteem ....i look at another and i observe.......my checklist (short version) is * do their actions match their words??* *are they there for me most of the time??* *do they make me feel good about being me???* *are they responsible to themselves- others??*......and most of all, i listen to my *christ within* and if i feel peace?? ok....if i feel that creepy feeling??? back off...... it HAS to begin with me/ my God first!!!! as i learn to trust us, i can , with caution- time, trust others....thank you DONE
These posts are awesome! Thank you and Thank God for his grace, mercy, comfort and peace to get us through. :)
As you, I am aware of "the devils parlor". I believe that is how you put it. That is how it is-- bottom line. However, we have the ability to choose God, walk in the truth and protect ourselves wearing the armour of God-- nobody gets to us, but through Him.
Your post prompts me to share some insight into what I've thought over the years. I never did quite understand the entire suicide thing-- even though at one point just before my marriage ended I was at my lowest emotional point in my life and just wanted to die. As much as I thought about how or where or when, I knew deep in my heart and soul I could never carry that through. I've oftened wondered what makes a person get to that point and it wasn't until I realized that having come from an abused childhood as well, not even believing their was a God to an adult who's heart is completely given to God that it became clear to me. It has EXACTLY to do with what you refer to as this world being the "devils parlor".
I was at my doctor the other day, with so much going on in my life that is crazy, causing lots of tears, at times triggered emotions of pain and anxiety freaking me out that I won't make it on my own, will lose my house, can't take care of my kids-- All things, I have been lifting up to God in prayer though and He turns it all around, brings me back to my accomplishments and my life NOW. So the doctor had to ask about my symptoms, headache-- yeah, crying spells-- yeah, how many--- have no idea, just happens, insomnia--- yeah and of course, the ultimate, Any thoughts of suicide?? hahahahahaha, I just started laughing and looked at him and said this........ (which made him laugh too and he knows me well enough that he knows I mean what I say when it comes to my faith in God)
I said, You've got to be CRAZY to think that I would EVER attempt suicide cause I'm living a life of hell here and I CERTAINLY don't want to live an eternity in hell, which is where I'd be if I committed suicide. I gotta have some sort of peace and if it is God's will to ONLY have it be in eternity and not here, well then so be it. hahahahaha Furthermore, I said, that God has to have an incredible plan for me because of all that Satan throws at me in an attempt to stop me from reaching what it is that God wants for me. I realized now that suicide is a sense of hopelessness and lack of trust in God-- that's all it's about. Unfortunately, so many people put God's timing in the realm of this lifetime in the world, when clearly perhaps it might just be that God has plans for us in eternity. We are to just wait and trust His plan whatever it will be.
That always makes me laugh cause it's the truth-- we are living a hell here with so much tragedy occuring, murders, rapes, war and so much sin of all types... it's awful, but that is EXACTLY what the flesh is about--- I struggled between living in the flesh and the spirit because I am human, just as everyone else. However, I can have peace in knowing that the blood of Christ has cleansed me and continue to walk towards the spirit for my eternal reward. We are ONLY here for a short time on this journey back home and that is my focal point that gets me through. Now don't get me wrong, there is also much peace and good that come out of this world-- but actually, let me correct myself, it doesn't come out of this world, it comes from the love within peoples hearts-- the love God puts there when accepted and is NOTHING to do with the world or the flesh.
i truly believe in my heart that if a spirit is SO despaired SO defeated SO , like i was, just hopeless AND they commit suicide, they DO go to heaven where they are nurtured and restored....the God of my understanding woldn't do that to a soul that just "got too much"
when i was a child, i was TAUGHT about this horrific God....and my abuser used the bible to convince me that his assaults on me were sanctioned by God...
because he caused "this little one to stumble" HAD i killed myself out of despair, i know in my heart, that God would have forgiven me/ nurtured me back to health on the other side
its the suicides that folks do to get revenge, that i worry about....suicide is a broken contract with God, and when we break it, IF it is from mental illness which i had, it is forgiven, because, i "knew not what i was doing".......some suicides did it because , like i was in the past, separated from thier Christ......NOT until i got into recovery and had enough "normalness" under my belt did i "qualify" to be responsible for me......any things i did when i was so mentally sick, from his abuse, i was / am forgiven, in fact all my mistakes go on HIS ledger sheet, because he "caused this little one to stumble"
so suicide is a case by case thing.....so tragic!!!! and i came close a FEW times.......he had separated me from God for SO long.....and that is why i say to MY HP "may his name be erased" cause that is what you do to evil!!!!!! thank you, sanddie, i like your stuff, you have so many good things to say.....keep positing girlfriend ok????? hugs/ rosie
