The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I sit here on this computer feeling so alone at times. B/F is in the livingroom drunk. Yes......what am I doing? I don't know.......................a part of me says "Cathy get the hell out of here." Please, somebody just talk with me?
You are NOT alone if you are at your computer!! I do know the feeling really well though. My a is my husband and there isn't a night lately when I don't wonder what am I doing here. It's a terrible feeling!
Hang in there and make sure you are taking care of yourself!!!!
My prayers are with you and hope you are feeling better real soon.
First of all, even though you are alone in the house with your boyfriend drunk in the other room, you are not alone when you are here.
I am fairly new to this site and really don't respond often to posts because I am not as experienced as many others are here. I too was in the exact same situation as you up until almost two months ago. I would be on the computer because he would be drunk in the other room and would either be passed out, or awake and making me sick just looking at him and what he had become. The only time I knew he was alive was when he would come walking into the kitchen burping and reaching for another beer from the fridge. Sad thing is that I love him with everything that I am, did then..do now.
I waited for a year for him to hit bottom, I hit it first. I knew I could not go on the way I was, I knew that I could not take all of the fighting, yelling, screaming, insults, etc. that went along with it all. His drinking was tearing me up, not him. He was self medicating to cover the pain with alcohol, I had to deal with it head on. A decision had to be made and with all of my guts in a knot I told him he had to leave. We fought about it, yelled about it, he would pass out during discussions about it and I did nothing but cry all of the time about it.
He moved out and it broke my heart, I didn't want to lose him but it had to be done. The first two weeks were the worst and thats putting it mildly. I was a wreck both emotionally and physically. Then day by day with the help of all of the wonderful people on this board I realized that I, like you, are not alone in this battle of addiction. We are all in the same boat one way or another.
We are still apart. I think of him all of the time, nights being the most difficult. The fighting has been replaced with a sense of calm. A peaceful lonliness if you will. I miss him more than words can say but I do not regret the decision I made to end it.
Every day I pray to God, my HP and ask for strength to make the right decisions and to do the right thing and everyday I pray for my husband to find his HP and follow the path that will be provided for him to recovery.
Cathy, coming from where you have been, I can understand what you are going through, The hurt and disappointment is tremendous, but you only have two choices. You can learn to live with him being the way he is since it is a disease as hard as that may be to comprehend, or you can call it quits and begin the work to repair yourself. Either way, you will need strength and support from your HP to do this.
If you would like to talk or if you feel you are the only one in the world going through this, then you have come to the right place, we are all here for each other. I wish you strength and sen you hugs (((((Cathy)))))
The word "we" is the most important word of step one. You are not alone, and when you feel that you are, it is just the insidious disease of alcoholism trying to trick you into your old behaviors so it can be in control. Use your tools of the program and do something kind for yourself... stay in the chat room, say the serenity prayer, make a gratitude list, take a hot shower, rest yourself... you can treat yourself with the kindness and respect your A may be currently incapable of giving you.
Try not to fret, and remember you have friends here.
You are never alone because you have your higher power with you at all times. We don't know it because we try to run the show. My friend who was recently divorced from her A said if he doesn't love me I know that God loves me. I think of that often.
My recovering A moved out in June. It wasn't my choice so I have struggled but I realized I have always been somewhat lonely even as a child. I didn't sleep well last night partly because it is the weekend and there is no one around. I have developed a strategy. Even though your A is present maybe some of this will work for you.
I call a friend - anybody - to see how they are doing. Maybe they are lonely too. I sleep anywhere in the house on weekends if that will take my mind off of things. I let the dogs sleep in on the weekend. I try to stay busy catching up on work or housework. I make myself do something that scares me like look at my finances. I exercise and take my hot bath on Sunday.
What do you like to do? Keep coming back to the board. People here listen and care and will tell you the truth.
Morning Nancy, Maybe that's my problem. I have way too much time on my hands. I only work part time. I quit working out over a month ago. I know it makes me feel better but I just can't seem to get it in high gear.
I spend alot of time on the phone with a friend. I rarely call my sisters because they don't care for my b/f. They think I deserve better. Hell, some days I KNOW I deserve better. I've had friends in the past tell me that he's bringing me down. Funny how it's so easy to judge others when they have no clue. I need to start crocheting again. I do enjoy that.
First of all, welcome and glad you are here. This board has been a lifesaver to me along with Alanon in general.
And I can totally relate to your feelings as a lot of us here can. But if you keep sharing and learning more about Alanon you may find some peace. So I hope you can find a way to do that and from my experience, a lot of your lonliness will fade away. You will focus more on yourself and find more ways to make your own happiness, whether he is drinking or not.
Anyway we are always here for you Cathy and so is your HP. Prayer can be a powerful thing!!
Cathy, get the hell out of there. There is a much better life waiting for you that does not include addiction and all the emotions that go with it. Good luck dear one. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
First of all, you're never really alone. Your family is here for you. I know what it's like to be tired and sick of the "drunken world". Just because you love the person, doesn't mean that you have to live this way. That's why my A is in a halfway house. We are so much better off than we were 1 year ago. But if your A doesn't want sobriety, then it's not going to happen.
The rule in this house: No drinking allowed. If my A chooses to go back to that life. That's his choice. But he's not staying here. It doesn't mean that I don't love him. I do. I have for 22 years. But I'm not going to live this way. He understands that. That's why he's living some place else.
You have to make decisions regarding your life. Not his. It can't be about not hurting him. It has to be about YOU, and you getting better. They're tough choices to make. But once you take that step, you will feel impowered.
The other thing too, if you are feeling lonely, try and occupy your time with something else. I found volunteering with AIDS patients at home has been incredibly rewarding. I don't have the time to do it as often as I should. But just when I think that I can't possibly give anymore of myself to anyone, I go and do that. I get much more back than I give. I find my strength renewed. They give me a renewed perspective on life. There are so many things that you can do. Try an animal shelter. A pediatric ward. A public library. There are so many good organizations that due to lack of funding need any help they can get. It could be as simple as office work, or reading a book. Maybe by getting out of the house for a while you gain the perspective you need to make the harder choices ahead, whatever they might be.
Keep the focus on you. Be good to yourself. You deservev it.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi Thanks for sharing. It is very hard to live with some one that is drunk. I am living with it right now. I have my good days and bad days sad to say. But the good days are great and when the bads are bad. But I am having a hard time dealing with the bad days.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
