The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The following is a quote from the book "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz
"The limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly."
"If you abuse yourself very badly, you can even tolerate someone who beats you up, humiliates you, and treats you like dirt. Why? Because in your belief system you say, "I deserve it. This person is doing me a favor by being with me. I'm not worthy of love and respect. I'm not good enough."
"We have the need to be accepted and loved by others, but we cannot accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejections comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves; it is why we don't accept ourselves the way we are, and why we don't accept others the way they are."
I don't necessarily agree with everything Mr Ruiz states in his book, however the above spoke volumes to me. (Take what you like, leave the rest...) Thought you might find it interesting!
I can relate to a lot of what he says. It is amazing how if you have more self love you do tend to self abuse less.
I came to grips with my self abuse, in a step 9 f2f meeting. I forgave myself for the harm I had done to myself when I was younger. Once I realized that I would not allow anyone to abuse me like I did.. I forgave myself and told myself that I would NEVER hurt myself like that again.
I was empowered by my forgiveness and thakfull for the new freedom I felt. Since that time I have a new self love which is keeping me stronger and healthier.
Yeah, I don't know either the first time I read this, it sort of made sense but I disagree... love is complicated... human beings are complicated.
Even as Christians we are "brainwashed" to believe that the more we suffer, the more righteous & loving we are -- suffering is not what loving is about! How is self-sacrifice loving yourself?
Maybe some of this is true some of the time... when you love someone you will put up with things you perhaps never imagined before but then, you start to say, "no".
Anyway, I believe in the ability of a person to change -- no matter what kind of abuse you grew up with or became accustomed to... call it a cognitive shift, divine intervention or just "making your mind up".
It's is like an abused child or an abused dog... the want to be loves so much, they will keep coming back but eventually the child puts their hand up to block the strike or the dog bites back.
I admit to being self-destructive (at times) but I tolerate little abuse since I got out of my marriage w/ an addict & once I forgave him... (only a few weeks ago - after being divorced for 6 yrs, I realized I still never ever really forgave him!) I am so able to see manipluation & abuse. I guess the more awareness one has, the more easily clearly you can see.
I will not tolerate being critisized, discrimminated against or abused. These days, I am so much less willing to verbally fight... & I used to live for controntations.
I am a Reiki Master & have done healing work for many yrs... the last 6 yrs, I have isolated myself, been depressed, given up basically. My mother wanted me to Bless her house (since our A-bomb 3 mos ago). The last month, I had been "trying to get around to it" but for many reasons, I just kept not being in the "right place for it". Our "A" is out of town over night. Today I fasted, felt great, told her it would be a good day for it.
I had to pray before I got ready to pray. I sat outside of the house & prayed for my family before I went through the house, Blessing it the same way (my Orthodox Priest does w/ the Saint Nectarious oil (he gave us some of this profoundly healing oil) & same prayers).
When I was finished in the house, I sd special prayers for my mother in her room.
Then I went outside to pray in the pool house, for my step-father, I got a flash when I was praying for him... there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I CAN SAY to him. In fact, the less I say the better.
It's kind of like Aikido - the Art of Evasion. I will be defenseless & I will not fight, I might evade an attack but it will roll off of my back; I will no longer be upset; I will walk away - if that doesn't work at most, I will (figuratively) hold up "the mirror".
Today, I choose to smile & say as little as possible... it is for all of us to 'figure it out w/ God'.
The I went back into the pool house praying for my family
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
"Then I went back into the pool house praying for my family" <--- sorry, I really ought to preview my posts b4 submitting them, that didn't belong at the end
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It has been some time since I have read that book. And, like you, I agree to disagree on some of his points throughout the book as well. But the excerpts that you posted are powerful. As a survivor of child sexual abuse, my own experience of discovering self-love halted me in my tracks in complete agreement when I read those words for the first time.
There is some truth in this. I probably treat myself worse than my husband treats me. Therefore his treatment of me is justified because I don't know any better.
When I first read this, I was conflicted but now I can see that ultimately it is true… if we aren’t actively loving ourselves, quite simply we are abusing ourselves.
god help us all to heal, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Yeah, I don't know either the first time I read this, it sort of made sense but I disagree... love is complicated... human beings are complicated.