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this daily, i really needed.....last night was *nighmare on elm street* for me...with my A and NA brother, flipping out........
Detaching with Love
Sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we're all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.When do we detach? When we're hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play - an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to do. When the way we're reacting isn't helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we're reacting is hurting us.
###### ROSIE...i have TWO loved ones....(niece/ brother) ...both narcotics addicts , and one combines it with alcohol.....last night i had a nightmare on my hands with one of them....(the other is still on her drug 'sabatical' and i don't know if she is alive or not)....the other, was going to kill himself last night....threatening suicide, and he was *on something* that was really making him weird...i felt like i was talking to someone i didn't even know..........i had to really apply the program tools (which he is familiar with and does NOT work) to keep ME calm, so i could *deal with him* w/o reacting in panic/ anger/ frustration, etc.....it was a long night last night for me..........her disappearing on yet another *drug holiday* where she is snorting her crystal meth and going on sabatical for 7-10 days......him, using each day!!! just keeping *below the radar*, when he is GOOD.....last night he he was *over the radar* and crazy!!!!!! i had to *physically restrain* myself to NOT react with anger/ panic/ controlling, i listened to him with loving detachement....got him *through his crisis* and finally he was calm enough to agree to a meeting today........
Often, it's time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don't help. The next step is getting peaceful - getting centered and restoring our balance.Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Call on God. Breathe deeply. Find peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.
########ROSIE...i am so grateful for this program..because i did NOT lose control over this drug crisis...i did not *react* but *acted* instead, i was cool/ calm.....and when i *got him down* i decided that i have to DETACH.....with love/ with support when he wants to *talk--communicate with me* but neverthe less DETACH......i did not CAUSE his and her drug/alcohol abuse....i cannot CONTROL them in anyway......so i know i cannot CURE them....so whats left???? going nuts, or detaching....letting go, letting God.....and working the hell out of this program........BTW i did NOT get drunk last night!!!! felt like it but said "what the hell, don't need the hangover"............thank you all....DONE
Rosie, first of all ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) you made it through! What a tough night you had. Boy, I been there, and would much rather never go there again! However, we never see these things coming... or do we?
Since I found my higher power and really started to rely on God's direction I have not been in half as many situations similar to yours. Perhaps it is a combination of letting go, detachment, and letting it begin with me. Since I found this content serene place, it seems that the people around me are more serene. I am not sure if it is coincidence, but it seems that now I don't make a big deal out of things, therefore neither do others. The addicts in my life seem to feed off of me... if I am irritated, they are X2, same with fear, angry, depressed, anxious....
that is just for me. I am so proud of you that you made it through that night. Remember, when drugs and alcohol are involved, and suicide discussion, you do not have to go through that alone. I am not sure what it is i like in your community, but an ambulance can be called for someone who is threatening suicide. We do not have the resources to deal with it ourselves, and seeking help outside the immediate insane circle shows just how crazy the situation can get. My husband would threaten crazy things just to get my undivided attention. When I called his bluff once and dropped him off at the Cop shop, he ended up in the Psych ward for 9 days.
My prayers are with you, as I know what it is like for someone to have suicidal tendacies-- matter of fact, to even proceed and attempt suicide, only to end up in an operating room for 6 hours afterwards. The mental anguish that comes with being around someone as ill as that is indescribable- I'll never forget that incident (as I was in the other room when this attempt was made) Walked into 4 rooms full of blood because he freaked out afterwards and was walking around like a Chicken with his head cut off initially. It was awful and all I can say is that ANYONE who threatens suicide should be mandated to extensive psychiatric care and evaluations. This doesn't get better, it just intensifies their thoughts as time goes by til eventually, there is truly an attempt. I know you need to detach and take care of you, but a HUGE part of that is to not let this form of abuse take place.
It wasn't until after months of counseling that I realized that the sickness my ex had was what contributed to the yet again abusive relationship. I didn't realize that someone threatening to attempt suicide was an attempt to gain control over me, until time had passed and I realized the impact it had on me. It's really no different than someone always threatening to physically beat you-- the same anxiety and fear of what if is always there and if you ask me that is extensively abusive. Take care of you--- We are NOT RESPONSIBLE for ANYONE! Furthermore, that is what professionals are for-- to help us get through our issues. This person, I don't remember if you said it was your brother or friend or husband-- whoever it is, needs to seek some professional help and until he does, the abuse will continue. It's not just abuse to himself, it's abusive to you.
Take Care! Hang in there..... :) I'm doing a bit better from my freakout period this past week, but just now getting back to today from reliving my past. :( I hate that so much-- :(
I am so proud of you for not "giving in" & drinking too, I haven't the last few days & I've been feeling pretty good about it!
I Blessed my mom's house & prayed in her room & my dad's apt outside, it took me nearly 2 hrs today, afterwards... I was exhausted.
I didn't realise I nvr forgave my ex until 2 months ago but since I did last month, things have been really bizarre, I've been "tested" w/ ppl trying to seriously engage me in verbal fights, which I have calmly deflected (normally I would have been SO into it!) And I have met some wonderful ppl that have walked right up to me & reached out spontaneously -- it's kind of weird, I usually am so irritated or suffering in pain that my glares keep ppl far away from me... it is God!
I am witnessing miracles happening for me each day. I am re-discovering joy! Congradulations on "keeping your cool" -- I'm sure something wonderful will happen next!
-love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
