The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In alot of ways in my life I keep doing the same things, the same way, and expecting different outcomes! Duh. Thats the definition of insanity. When am I going to learn? I hope soon because I am driving myself crazy!! My reaction to situations dont help either. I spend too much money and get stressed out when I dont have enough to pay bills. I get embarrased when I have to ask for help when I have done this myself. My help is wearing thin. I am all borrowed out! I need a sponsor but dont ask for help. When I ask for help I dont follow through. What is wrong with me? I cant do this any longer I need help. I need an acoa sponsor!!! I need new tools and to learn how to use them.
I have heard that definition of insanity countless times and yet there are areas of my life where, because I am not aware of the pattern, I am doomed to repeat myself. You have an awareness that the old ways are not working, and that is the first step toward getting better, and choosing a new path for yourself.
The word "sanity" comes from a Latin word that means health and wholeness. That is what I know I am striving for here, I think we all are. But having awareness is progress so do not be too hard on yourself.
I kept putting off buying books on-line from e-bay, used I could have gotten SO MANY for SO CHEAP but I just nvr did it. Last weekend I finally went out & spent $175 right from my checking acc't. I decided I haven't done anything nice for myself in yrs, I was going to get new books & I felt impetuous, I was down & I suddenly wanted them "right now".
One of the books I got was 12 steps for ACOA's (U can see the cover below & they're super cheap used on-line) -- I've flipped through it just a little bit & it has already spoken volumes to me. This is exactly where I am as well, learning to change these patterns of trying too hard, taking on too much responsibililty & thus not being "allowed" to even enjoy myself anymore. I am still a young woman! 40 is the new 20, u know!
I find writing very powerful, making lists of goals or letters to my inner child, or other's here have spoken of "God boxes" where they write issues down & put them in the box, to literally let go of them.
But you are absolutely right! Your attitude/perception is EVERYTHING -- (from lyrics from a Collective Soul song: "In a moment I could wake up & be laughing, in a moment I could forgive & be happy, in a moment, we could change".
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Khristy - sometimes we need a little humor to kickstart us...
Years ago, I was in a counsellor's office, my wife was actively drinking, I was a mess, bawling my eyes out, at the end of my rope, but STILL doing the same old things, still thinking I could control her drinking, STILL not accepting Step 1, let alone the whole bigger picture....
My counsellor smiled calmly at me, and said "so, how's it working for you so far"?
I laughed as hard as I cried.... It was one of those moments of levity, that I will always remember.... I was sooooo frustrated, but like your post talks about - I was really frustrated that my situation hadn't changed, my wife hadn't changed, and YES, that I hadn't changed....
I believe that was one event, that helped kick my butt into my recovery via Al-Anon.
Thanks for sharing
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
((((((khristy)))))))))) Easy does it...be gentle with yourself. You know that something is wrong, now take a deep breath and live right in the present. We are all works in progress. Hang in there.
Boy, do I relate..lol The short answer, as my sponsor always tells me, is, "You'll learn when you learn." How's THAT for a timeframe ;) Doesn't work too well for people like me who like to schedule everything....hehe.
I'm trying to remember these days where I was when I came to Alanon two years ago. I have come a long way since then. My hsuband and I were in a lot of debt, and I was too ashamed to tell anyone about it, not even the financial advisor I paid money to to help me with these problems!
Asking for help is hard, but it helps when I do it and remind myself the whoe world isn't out to bite me and kick me while I'm down. I do enough of that to myself. I've since owned up to the debt issue and started to take steps to address it. Through a combination of things my husband and I are a short two months away from being rid of it, and we've learned better spending and budgeting habits to boot, so hopefully we don't land there again. But it didn't happen until I admitted I couldn't do it myself and asked someone else to show me the way.
I'm an acoa, too, but my sponsor is not. My current sponsor is 65 (I am 31), she is divorced (I am married), her qualifier for this program is her husband (mine are my parents and brother), she has kids (I don't), she is retired (I work). So many differences! But, I asked her to be my sponsor literally because she has the best laugh. And she laughs a lot. She laughs at meetings. She laughs at herself. She isn't shy to look at herself and talk about herself. She admits the things she has trouble with, and she asks for help. She works actively with her own sponsor. She hugs people. She smiles. All these things, I want for myself. They seem so simple, but to a person like me that often only sees the serious side, is harsh on myself, has a hard time asking for help, cringes at the thought of approaching and hugging a stranger, she has an openness and peace about her I really want for myself. There are a lot of differences. But in working with her I've learned we have a lot in common, too. I wouldn't have known that if I didn't let her laugh draw me in. Sometimes it's the simple things that are the biggest gifts.
Always good talking to you :) Hang in there, one day at a time it gets better. It already is for me today.
Thanks you so much for your kind words! You are a very sweet and understanding person! You make me feel some what normal. After reading your response, I didn't feel as though my problem is too large to conquer. Thanks a bunch!
