The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi all, had a bit of a hard night last night with my a. I got a bit jelous and fearful when he decided he was going to take a day off work right before we go on vaction in Nov. The reason he wanted to take a day off is to do a favor for a sponsee of his.... the reason i got jelous and fearful is because in 7 years he has never taken a day off work to help me or his family, surgeries, sicknesses, pregnancy bedrest, even the threat of cancer didn't bring him home for even a day. The fear factor came into play that he will be taking a whole week off for vactions (which is a new thing as well) so we will need every penny from the paychecks before that time......
Knowing that i had a resentment building, knowing that i was just feeling emotions, and not knowing exactly what i wanted to do about it all, i did nothing for the time being, instead, i called my sponsor, i prayed and applies the slogans "how important is it" "think" "saying what i mean without saying it mean" and tried to stay in my own inventory....
soo after a bit of time, i brought my concerns and my feelings to him and as i knew would probably happen, he got really mad. He did the same thing he always does, started throwing harpons at me, calling names ect. I through it all had this calmness, it was amazing. I just kept doing what i was told to do lol and what do you know it worked!!!
When he saw that the old tricks still weren't going to work is when he started to slam my alanon program as a last resort of sorts... it was then that i said, hun, i'm sorry your so upset, i love you, but i am not going to be in this argument with you. So far i have been called names, had my program slammed all because i voiced my opinion and i will not listen to it anymore. When you calm down, we can talk. then i walked away.
He left the house in a rage, then came back home with an appolagy.
Through the program's way of trying to communicate, i know i kept my side of the street clean, and dont have a problem with my actions one little bit. However, i still feel a resentment for the name calling and hurt for how easily he would take the day of for someone else.... i am having a hard time letting go of that hurt. I guess i was just hoping somebody had some es&h to share as to where i go from here.
(((((((((((mastiff)))))))))))) yeah you did good!!!! My A was stunned the first time I did what you did. I stated how I felt using what I had learned...
I feel (insert feeling)
When you (what ever it is they have done)
Because (the reason why, this one is hard because I had to stop and think)
I would rather/prefer if you (what I would rather he would do)
I have used this with my children as well, it works, and the calmness that comes with it is good. My counselor said that the letting go is hard because we act in a responsible way and communicate effectively but it doesn't guarantee how they will act/react and that is hard, because our old actions are ones of controlling. Hang in there and know you are doing good....
WOW, trina, TREMENDOUS.............SO happy and proud of you...........this stuff does work, hey??????? you give me hope that maybe i'll grow up too!!!! hehehehe....i LOVED this....rosie
(((Trina))) The only thing I could up with about the resentment is: Maybe he sees you as much stronger and able to deal with things better then he does this sponsee. In actuallity, it's not all that much different then what we've all been through with the booze/beer. We felt that they chose it over us time and time again. We sure can't figure alcoholism out, let alone men..lol Since he has never taken time off work, this must mean something to him that maybe he isn't even aware of. Then again, it may mean nothing, he just felt like it. I can almost promise you though, that the things that are hurting and concerning you didn't cross his mind before you told him. Men just don't think the way women do. I dunno, I'm just throwing stuff out there.
Love ya Christy (Cjo)
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
The Big Book of AA says... "Practical Experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail."
I do not know your husband but from knowing my own A, I believe it is possible that he wants to have some 12th step assurance that his sobriety will be safe to start your vacation together. Consider the possibility of letting go and letting God, and try praying that HP's will be done in your life so that your fear and jealousy do not stand in the way of recovery-- yours or someone else's.
thank you all for your responses so far, i called my a just a bit ago, and with all of your words in my mind, i told him that i knew how important helping his sponsee is to him, and asked if he would be willing to change the date to a day where he wont have to take the day off so that way his family wont be in a finacial strain going on vaction. He agreed and thought that was a much better idea once he thought on it a bit more. Every day is a day to learn that's for sure lol.
