The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Went to Al-Anon last night feeling pretty good. No new crises in our home this week etc. After listening for awhile, though, I didn't feel as happy. There was one reading in particular that they real regularly at this meeting from one of the pieces of literature (I think it was in my newcomer's pack.) Something to the effect that the alcoholic doesn't seem to care about the house, the kids, the job, or the finances. My a, who is my DD (dear daughter) got sick a month ago and lost her job due to too much time off work. (Both illness and previous lost time from work alcoholicism-related, IMHO.) She has been sleeping on my couch, but I am more than ready for her to move out. She said she was moving in with friends, but drifts from day to day without having a firm date to move. Her son has moved to his dad's. She had a fight with her sister, so has made herself no longer responsible for babysitting her nieces. She does not housework (has messy piles of stuff everywhere.) Says she will contribute to household finances and does not. I love her dearly, but I am so ready to have her go! OTOH, I don't want to kick a person when she's down. She has no job and I imagine she's run through her savings by now. But she has a place to go! I am soliciting feedback! Someone please explain to me what my conversation with her should be like in order to employ the THINK principles (Thoughtful, Honest, Insightful, Necessary, & Kind.) I'm having trouble with this. I don't want to say anything to cause her to feel unloved and unwanted. OTOH, she is an adult. It is time for her to GO.
Hi Crystal. Of course you don't want to toss your daughter out, or as you say, "kick her when she's down". I see a compromise with which others here may not agree, but here goes. Boundaries. She will be welcome to stay with you (for a set period of time) under certain circumstances. Get a job. Share household bills. Help with housework, cook some meals, shop for groceries, and keep her belongings neatly stored. Write down a list of what you expect her to do for the household, give it to her, and insist that she ahdere to the guidelines you have set down. The alternative is that she must leave. As a mother, I feel the pain, yet cannot imagine the agony of having to tell a child to leave when she has nowhere else to go. But sometimes the only thing that "rings that bell" is for the person to hit bottom. I hope that you and she will work this out to your mutual satisfaction. Stick to it, Mom. You'll both be better off for having done so.
With great caring, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I agree with Diva. The question is, do you really want her living there at all? Either way, I think I would set a clearly understood date for her to get a job etc. so there are no absolutely no questions. If it isn't accomplished by that date, it would be her choice, not yours. You will have given her the boundaries and time. In the interrum, I would address leaving her stuff lay all over and not helping around the house immediately. None of this has to make her feel unloved, if she is to be a "part" of your home, she is obligated to contribute to it, if not, she has an alternative. She can live elsewhere. As an adult, none of it should be a shock to her. Check yourself for enabling at all times. Ask yourself if you are contributing to her behavior. What's your part? What are you allowing that you shouldn't? How can you change it?
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My thoughts are with you. What a tough place to be.
I am confident that your HP has the answer for you. Take some time to be alone with yourself and your HP, and ask for guidance on what course of action you could take. I find that if I do that, and surrender my thoughts to my HP i get some clarity, even excitement about dealing with uncomforable situations. I also have to pray for strength and courage to deal with it, as sometimes I am quite a coward...
Our literature has tons of good readings on boundaries (which I am well aware of because both my sponsors hit me over the head with them all the time). I know in times that I have been struggling with issues like the ones you are describing and the emotions of fear and guilt I experience as a part of them, the literature has helped me immensely, and I am healthier today and so are the people around me as a result.
What wonderful answers. I think I was expecting something along the lines of "Throw the bum out!" Instead, your suggestions are just-right. I'm going to do it. I'm leaving Saturday for a week's vacation. If things are the same when I return, I'll draw the boundaries. Thanks, everyone. You are all the best(est).
