I have learned in this program how to open my mouth and express myself and to ask for help. I didn't do those kinds of things when I was growing up. Last week at a meeting I mentioned a problem I was having and what my approach to it was. After the meeting, others shared with me what had worked for them. It never fails to amaze me what a wonderful resource the people in this program are. One woman, who knows more about my experience than perhaps others do, asked me, "Do you see how your experience growing up might lead to the kind of problem you are having now?" We went on to talk about the choices I have. I eventually made a choice that works for me.

This week I find myself returning to the question that woman asked me. It's strange how even after all these years of reading and listening to the experiences of other children of alcoholics, that I still don't quite "get it." On a logical level I understand the problems people like me can and do have. But I apparently still don't entirely believe they apply to me. I apparently still believe on some level that I should be better at this than I am. Those "shoulds." They'll keep getting me if I keep opening the door and letting them in :)

For two weeks now, people have been reminding me to be easy on myself, and it's starting to dawn on me how harsh I can be on myself. The nice thing is how this program works. Through coming back, listening, and remembering on occasion to open my mouth and express myself, I can benefit from all others have to share and the perspective they can offer. I've been thinking about that "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly" part of the closing that is read at meetings. I guess the learning really does happen in its own time.