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I'm having a bad day, my mind id going in a million directions.
I have so many questions that I am tired of rationalizing.
How is my husband in denial. He knows what his drinking has done, he knows it is destroying his health. He knows it has cost him several jobs, he knows it is costing him his family, and he is angry at me for that. I am taking it all away from him. Yet he now uses these things as an excuse to drink even more.
I gave him a choice, I told him that he had to do do things for himself, he had to get sober for himself, not for the kids or me. He admitted that while he loves me he does not think he is in love wth me any more. That it is too hard. I can accept this, it hurts, but I do accept it. He said he does not want to stop drinking. Then he says he wants our family.
I told him then fine he can still have a family without me, if he does sober up. I believed this would set him free. Now he won't let go. He gets angry if I tell him he decided the marriage was over, he tells me that I made the decision. That I am a control freak that makes all decisions.
He asked this morning what time we where leaving for a wake I must attend. I told him he didn't need to come. I said I would prefer he didn't. (It is my family, he has never cared about any of them). He said he is my husband and it is expected. Wow, now he is concerned about what is expected?
How about getting a job, supporting your children, acting like a man?
I told him, I don't want to pretend anymore. He got angry said he wanted to see everyone. I got angry and said "This isn't a picnic, a young man is dead, and you want to socialize. I should have realized, he knows everyone goes out after and in between, he is looking for a free party.
He stormed out of here angry, screaming that I am throwing everything away, stealing his family, and yelled no wonder I f&&&ing drink!"
I just can't excuse this behavior as merely being sick. It is morally depraved as well. I agree with another post, saying it is a disease is a cop out, it is like saying he can't help sneazing. He is selfish, nasty, arrogant, uncaring, and manipulative. He is a spoiled child that wants the best of all worlds. How is he just sick?
It's all one and the same Jeannie.... He IS sick, and some of the many symptoms of alcoholism are selfishness, self-pity, deflection, avoidance, etc., etc... He is doing what alcoholics do.... drinking, and blaming everybody (except himself) for his drinking....
Your frustration is soooo evident throughout your post - not that it really changes anything, but I would guess that EVERYONE who posts here, can relate to what you posted... Alcoholics are eerily similar in their behaviors.... If it helps, he really doesn't know "what he wants" right now, other than he wants to keep drinking... In his sickness, he will choose his addiction over you and the kids, work, etc., etc.... All of the moral issues you bring up are also associated with the disease - that is NOT to say that the disease is an acceptable excuse for unacceptable behavior - it simply is what it is.
Your words, however real you felt them, are just words to him right now.... He lashes out at you, because he sees YOU as the pain in the butt who won't allow him to drink and die.... Have you ever seen that cute t-shirt, that says "I see your lips moving, but all I hear is blah-blah-blah" - well, I always thought that was THE t-shirt for active A's.
There is an old saying in these circles - "he is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
What kind of recovery program do you have for yourself? Living around active alcoholism is too much for most of us, and you will find yourself getting sicker and sicker in HIS disease, and taking on some of what must be HIS, etc... Al-Anon, sponsorship, sharing here, etc., are all good things, that can help you.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Jeannie, while I often wonder myself whether this is a disease, I cannot add to or improve upon what Tom has posted to you. I'll just say you are in my prayers, and my positive thoughts, as always, are with you and your children. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I do work my program, I do understand on some level. I know what I want for me and the kids. I want peace. I have tried to detach. I have put him out of our home. I am not being spitefull to him. He calls most nights. I just put the kids on the phone and walk away. I go to work, take care of the kids and go about my business. I do not check up on him, I don't call him. I stay away. He doesn't, he calls drunk, I don't answer, he shows up here and I leave the room.
I told him I have given him a choice, he made it. He says I am the one who made the decision, that I ran out on him. I know it isn't true. I have told him that I am tired of living in limbo, that I deserve a life of my own and that he has made the choice to not be a part of it. He won't accept that. I have told him that he has admitted that he doesn't love me, why can't he just leave me alone?
He says he never meant it, that he was angry or drunk or just wanted to hurt me. That isn't love then. No matter how angry I have ever been at him, or what cruek things have come out of my mouth in the past, I have never said I don't love him. Love is not something you play with like a yo-yo. Even when I am mad at the kids, I tell them I might hate what they have done, but that I love them.
I know his drinking is not my fault. I know I can't do anything about it. I accept that, I have stopped trying. I have stopped fighting it. All I fight for now is peace for the kids and I. But the less I push, the more he pushes.
I am married, and I do love my husband. Dating is not an option for me. To me it would be wrong on two levels, one, I am still legally and morally married. Two, it would not be fair to get involved with anyone while my heart belongs to someone else, and probably always will. No matter what I will never be free of him, there are six parts of him, that I love more than life itself, and he is part of them as much as I am. (Our children)
I know he cannot be here. I can't live with an active A and neither can the kids. We have had enough. I am happy most of the tiem, and I do live my life, but he keeps putting himself in the way. It is like I am his favorite toy and he needs to be sure no one else plays with it.
I can't cut him out of my life permanently. He is the kids Father, and aside from that, he is a part of me.
I am just as guilty of not being able to completely walk away, if he dies, a part of me dies. I'd be lying to say otherwise. What I want doesn't exist, so I have to settle for a peaceful life without him in it. That doesn't seem to be in the cards either. I know I sound pathetic, I feel that way. I am not weak, and I do know my own mind, most of the time. believe it or not, I can be a force to be reconed with. When I set my mind to something I do it and follow through. ut when it comes to him, I am like a spineless jellyfish.
Like I said I am just having an emotional and bad day.
My cousins sons death has me all emotional. I did not know the young man that well, he was a nice boy, sweet and polite. My Cousin was my best friend, more of a brother than a cousin. We where raised together, took vacations together as kids and I loved him with all my heart. He passed away five years ago, and that devestated me. Right now, my heart breaks for his Wife losing her son now, and thoughts of my cousin are filling my mind. I keep thinking about how much I love my own children and couldn't even begin to imagine losing one of them. My husband is part of this and I can't help but feel angry that he is throwing his life away while someone so young lost theirs. My heart is just so heavy right now and my mind is just an emotional jumble. Mad, sad, scared.
With sympathy on the passing of your dear cousin. Sounds like he meant alot to you. For sure, our A's are not capable of being there for us especially it seems when we need them the most. In your previous posts you show such good boundaries maybe you just need to reset them for this intense event.
I am so sorry for your pain and the troubles with your husband. i can seriously relate to a lot of your post. And I feel very tired today too. And it's okay to feel that way and to let yourself get over it when you can. I too go back and forth with the frustration of the self-centered jerk or sick man questions. When I am tired and angry, I hate him but feel guilty. When I am ok I can have more compassion. Sometimes i just don't have it in me and today is one of those days. Hang in there girl. You are a strong woman.
I truely believe that they all read the same book. Two months ago my A told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. How hurt I was.....I answered back however with....although I love you very very much there are times when I am not in love with you either. That is part of being in a relationship. He didn't know how to react. I am hoping that now that he has had time to think during our seperation that he realizes that I do love him, but that certain things are not acceptable. He says right now he will not quit drinking, right now I am willing to accept that, if and only if it does not affect me, my children, or our home. If he goes back to where he was in the past year, not coming home, doing cocaine again, then he knows it is over and I am no longer scared to be without him. Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself. Do nice things for you and take care of you.
