The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A theme keeps popping up for me this week, so I guess I am supposed to be thinking about it! So I figured I would think out loud----so to speak!
I read a great quote this morning attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt:
"Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people."
Well, it kinda brought me right back to my reoccurring them for the week, "Principles above Personalities". Yesterday, I ran into a person from one of my face to face groups whom I had not seen at a meeting in a while and we visited for a few minutes. In our conversation they mentioned that they had stopped coming to meetings because they heard from another member that a couple of other members had been talking negatively about them and this had hurt feelings and caused the idea of going to the meeting to become uncomfortable. Shew....even just writing that sentence is complicated and I'm trying to "keep it simple" .
Well it just emphasized for me again, the importance of not gossiping! On two levels in this case. First, the persons doing the gossiping about this person are showing that "small mind" mentality and the other person who thought it was necessary to pass this information on was doing their friend no favor either. Look at the results! They quit coming to meetings.
I have heard the kind of "gossip" in question and would say that, though it is something that should not be done at all, that the spirit of the persons doing it was much the same way as a lot of us have felt towards our a's. They had noticed that the person wasnt being regular in attending meetings and the discussion was along the lines of "So and So does so well when making the meetings and seems to have troubles when not! Why doesn't Soandso come regularly?" Sounds a whole lot like those of us who have a's that are aware of AA but choose not to go. "Why doesn't he/she get the help they know is available?" And we present this information to them "in person" on occasion.
In both instances, it seems our good intentions often have the opposite effect from that which we would like to see.
It all brings me back to some key points of the program. We need to keep the focus on ourselves, keep our side of the street clean. And also, that this gossiping also leads to controversy, another thing the program proclaims that we wish to avoid. Something else I try to keep in mind is the statement that though you may not like all of us you will come to love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you.
Time and time again, I have been amazed by how wonderfully that little statement can work out if you trust it. Think about all of the opportunities for growth and healing we miss if we discount what someone else is saying or doing just because of a personal bias!
I mentioned to this person I talked to that if they felt uncomfortable returning to "our" meeting to please try to find another one to attend and not to let someone else's opinions or actions keep you from your own recovery. We are all God's children and we are all worth it.
And here's also to wishing that people, like your Al-Anon friend that has allowed that issue to stop them from going to meetings, and thus interrupt THEIR recovery, that we can all learn, to accept the concept, of:
"what you think of me is none of my business"...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
What a good share, David. That something so well intentioned could go so wrong. It doesn't sound as if the people involved even intended gossip. Thanks for posting this.
great share. being that Im a newbie to this program, anonimoty (SP) sorry....big word, even harder to say and spell. anywys, that this was a HUGE part of ALANON. that what we here and who we see, needs to stay in the room. It really is none of anyone's business what the other person was doing and if it were me that ran in to the person who stopped coming, i would go back to the room and let the GOSSIPERS know what he or she left the group. Poor thing. wish you and your fellow mate good luck.
I had the same experience - someone talking about me, at a meeting I was attending, sharing on the group level!
I thought about not going to meetings anymore. But, the phrase someone else pointed out - "what someone else thinks of me is none of my business" - really helped me. I stopped going to the particular meetings I had in common with that person for a while. It gave me the time I needed to get my strength back and put the focus back on what I need to do for me in my recovery.
The topic of a meeting in my home group recently was "maturity." I consider myself to be a mature person, but I was surprised how many of the items on the maturity checklist that is part of our Alanon literature I fell short on. More things to work on. One day at a time, my side of the street gets a little cleaner :)
Thanks so much for the reminder to keep the focus where it needs to be for me.
I hope you realize what wisdom your HP has given you! I think this is a wonderful share and I'm glad you think out loud. Thanks for the reminder and I hope one day I know the wisdom you have for myself. I'm gonna work harder on keeping my side of the street clean. Thanks so much for all your hard work and your service too.
Very wise words of how important it is not to gossip in this program. We are here to support each other and grow from the program. Gossip not only hurts the person being gossiped about but the person doing the gossiping. Glad you brought up this subject, Thanks my friend. SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
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