The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm sure most of you remember my post a couple of weeks ago about how the A was so drunk that he was still drunk in the morning and came to work anyway. Well the week after that was pretty smooth - still got somewhat drunk but not nearly as bad.
Well - I guess it's back on the down hill side of the roller coaster again. Same thing - drunk last night - still drunk this morning. Didn't go to work though. He calls me around noon and I can tell he is still drunk. Now he just called me at about 3pm and says "so do you want ohave sex" WHAT!!!!! Obviously still quite drunk. How disgusting..... I feel like I want to throw up. How long does it take to wear off? It seems that he is more drunk now than what he was last night and I know that he hasn't had any alcohol today yet because there is none in the house and he has no money and hasn't gone anywhere today. I have one more hour of work before I have to go home - ugh I am dreading it. I hope, I pray to God that he is sleeping when I get home.
I've been totally stressed about this all day - in fact just about an hour ago was the first time I had anything to eat (a bag of chips from the machine) because my stomach is in knots, I'm working on next to nothing sleep because last night he decided that he was going to take the dogs for a ride in the truck at 11 pm. I was never so scared in my life - I was literally shaking. And then he got me up at 4am just because he couldn't sleep. Fortunately he finally did fall back asleep just when I had to get up for work. I had planned to really talk to him about that tonight but as usual I won't be able to if he is still drunk.
I know this is probably nothing for some of you but this is the worst it has ever been. How do I calm myself down? I'm either on the verge of tears or so angry, I'm shaking, out of breath, at least the headache went away. I do not want to risk MY health because of him but how can I NOT let this stuff affect me? It's not like I can ignore it and pretend it's not happening.
In my experience the best thing to do is detach and get busy. Hand him over to his HP and let your HP take care of you. You can't do anything about his actions, no matter how much you stress over it. There's no point in allowing stress to take it's toll on your health. Take some deep breaths, realize that what he does is completely out of your control and find something to keep you busy. Don't get sucked in to his disease, it's right where the A wants you. The more alone they feel, the more aware they are they that are screwing up their lives. Call a friend, go to a movie, but get outta of his face. Give yourself some peace. Center yourself and lean on your HP..You are a whole person all by yourself. Remember, how you internalize what he is doing is a choice. Choose to detach from his antics and put the focus back where it belongs, on you, your health, self worth and serenity and recovery
"we are all that we need to be. Our mind and our spirit in concert, can tackle any challenge and succeed. knowledge plus courage can move mountains".
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 16:57, 2005-10-14
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I would not go home right now, but thats me. I don't know what your other obligations are. You're right, you do not have control of this situation and it is scary and too much. Eat something decent. If you have to go home, take those dogs for a walk. Take care of yourself-- nobody else can do that for you. Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BIG BIG HUGS TO YOU)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Living with the chaos of an active drinker can be SOO chaotic.... but it doesn't have to be.
My sponsor likes to bring me back to reality by asking me these questions when I am so anxious about another person's drinking. Perhaps it will help you:
1. If he is the one drinking and driving, why am I the one worried? I am safe. Have I done what I can to prevent others from getting hurt? If yes, then I need to leave the rest to God. I am not that powerful, therefore not RESPONSIBLE.
2. Will my anxiety change the outcome of events that he is creating? Am I responsible for the things that he has done? For the things he will do?
I know that when we feel so full of anxiety and out of control, it is hard to really honestly visit these questions. My sponsor sometimes had to help me focus on the reality of the situation, anf return the focus on my. HIS life is out of control due to his drinking, mine doesn't have to be. I can control me, and many things around me. With a changed attitude, I found complete contentment amidst chaos. My hubby, who is the A in my life, lost his license due to drinking, thank God he never lost anything else.
He still drinks. But you know what, our life is more peaceful now than it ever has been. Mostly because I am not stirring up "what if's" all the time. I taking life for what it is.
There is a reason that the first step is worded "admitted OUR lives had become unmanagable." Alcoholism is not a solo disease.
You are worth working the steps. You are worth calming down, and the alcoholic in your life will learn from your example. I promise, sanity, serenity, and peace is contagious!
