The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The most loving form of detachment I have found has been forgiveness. Instead of thinking of it as an eraser to wipe anothers slate clean or a gavel that I pound to pronounce someone "not guilty". I think of forgiveness as scissors. I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind me to a problem or the past hurt. By relaasing the resentment, I set myself free.
When I am consumed with negativity over another person's behaviour, I have lost my focus, I needn't tolerate what I consider unacceptable , but wallowing in negativity will not alter the situation. If there is action to take, I am free to take it. When I am powerless to change the situation, I will turn it over to my HP. By truly letting go, I detach and forgive.
When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me. I am willing to live myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then I can let them go.
Todays reminder..... Everytime I try to tighten a noose of resentment around someone's neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead. ..........I was inspired to share this reading as it spoke volumes to me,,,hope it did you too,,,,,,,,gardengal
My father-in-law once told me that "resentment is anger turned inwards". I hated him for that, but only because I now had to take responsibility for the feeling, rather than blame it on the person I was feeling resentful towards.
You know GG, I had the most difficulty identifying the difference between forgiving, and letting unacceptable behaviour pass. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to forgive my own mother for abandoning me when i was just a baby. That does not mean that I think what she did was acceptable, it just means that I don't hold resentment towards her for her actions 28 years ago. She doesn't know i forgive her, because I didn't do it for her, I did it for me. Like you said, resentment chokes us! I was so resentful towards her, and when I had my own child, the resentment started to choke others around me. SO, with the help of my sponsor, and MANYtears, I prayed for the ability to forgive her,and to see the good in the situation.
Now, many years later, I see that if she hadn't abandoned me, I probably would not have any siblings, nor the wonderful family that My Step (monster) mother brought to me. I got to be raised in the mountains, in a pretty peaceful family. Also, because she abandoned me, I have this intense desire to mother my children all the way, no running away.
I am glad you posted about this, cause I think it is something we all struggle with in our recovery. I am glad I got to visit this today, cause I think there is some other resentment I have to deal with.
the way i quit hating my perp and being so consumed with it, was FIRST i had to work out the INTENSE emotions--- anger/ rage/ grief..and i am still in the grief/ closure cycles....
than, when i got ALL the rage out and became *post flood* i stood in my own muddy basin and asked my HP...."i now am ready to take MY hands off him and allow YOURS on, which were always anyway"
its like i had to *go through* the cycles of anger/grief grief/anger over and over till i was at the point where i could "take my hands off--give UP the hate----" over and over again, giving it up......and while i am dong that i am saying "i am filling my heart up with love for me...thats ALL i have room for, LOVE for me/ my loved ones".......i had to repeat it a lot and now??? when someone *does me in???* i can say "God bless--i turn them over to their karma and i walk away" it works, but i gotta *work it---practice it* but i do feel *lighter* these days......thank you, rosie
That was really what i needed. I had never looked at resentment like that. That's why I love this board.....the sharing of experiences truly helps others in their journey of recovery.
