The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling a bit stuck in a rut here. Today was meant to be my first meeting with a D/A counsellor visiting my town. He was to ring upon arrival into town to set up a time. I can only assume something cropped up in his base town which is approx 400kms from here. I was actually feeling really positive yesterday because I thought I would get some literature etc to read whilst I am waiting for my lone membership to be registered and The Getting Them Sober book (No al-anon in this town). Communication in the house between my A husband and myself is very minimal. He is really grumpy most of the time and I am reacting to it by being snappy. Thinking I don't have to put up with this s..t. Today I was going down the street to pick up the paper and he ran to the car and said "What is wrong with asking me if I need anything at the shops." He has lost his licence and I have been strong and not enabling him by running him around everywhere. He runs his own business with my son so transport is not a problem to and from there. Anyway I told him I was going to the service station for the paper and not down the shops. Well when I got down there I felt benevolent I bought him an iced coffee and just left it on the bench for him. He later drank it no please thankyou or acknowledgement in anyway. He hasn't been drinking for about two months now. Obviously there is a withdrawal going on from no alcohol in his body but how long does this take? How do you tell the difference between him just being a downnright pig with no manners or an alcoholic withdrawing? Luv Leo
The mental games that I play with myself can drive me crazy! I end up analyzing all HIS behavior, motives, actions, lack of actions, therefore neglecting to take care of me.
One thing I know for absolute sure is that no matter how much time I spend trying to figure him out, I always end up wrong. I have learned to ask him now, and if i don't get an answer, then he is not ready (or not sure) to release that information to me.
Being a complex woman myself, I have learned to put myself in his shoes a bit more often. If he is being onery, then it I try to imagine what I would be like if he was asking me all the questions. Through good learned communication over the last bit, I have also learned that sometimes he is not sure himself what is going on, so I ask God for patience to make it through the "situation".
For me, it works. I do admit, I have started a few doozies of fights in the past few months, but all fights and animosity have gotten their start through my "stinkin thinkin".
So, take what you like, and leave the rest. I hope this helps you make it through today, for Today is what counts.
"How do you tell the difference between him just being a downnright pig with no manners or an alcoholic withdrawing? "
that is the BIG QUESTION isn't it? It makes you ask yourself--Is this what I wanted? I always say--Be careful what you wish for!
But seriously, we should not walk on eggshells for them--do something loving if YOU want to. Not because they deserve it, or you owe it to them or whatever.
It sounds like you are struggling with the ? of what is enabling. I think that is a good place to be. take care. You are doing ok! Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I liked what you said here about the questioning. I don't mean to drive my "a" crazy. I am just so afraid of getting a sucker punch in the gut or the rug pulled out from under me because I learn about his behavior too late and feel like a sucker--I think this justifies my asking him dozens of questions (that I am not even really sure I want his honest answers about). I wouldn't like to be asked all of the questions myself especially if I knew the answers would just disappoint or hurt someone I love!! I am trying to remember that and bite my tongue or pray really, really hard to keep myself from pestering him---for when I pester him things just get worse!
By 2 months the physical withdrawal is all gone. If your husband isn't working a program, than he is in a period of soDriety versus soBriety. The only difference in him is that he is abstaining from drinking. While at first that may seem like everything you ever wanted, he isn't getting any healthier spiritually or mentally if he isn't working a program. He isn't learning any new coping skills. He isn't changing his way of thinking, therefore he is still thinking like an alcoholic (mainly selfish)
So..........he is still sick. You can't expect a sick person to behave like a healthy one, because they simply can't. That's why working the 12 steps is so important, for all of us. The twelfth step states that *Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of working the steps* etc. So the spiritual awakening comes AFTER working the steps. That's when we become healthy, that's when our way of thinking and behaving changes, not before.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Oh Leo, The craziness we live in is around whether they are actively drinking or not. This is the 'behaviour' part of the disease. They act, and we react. Don't beat yourself up, carry on. He will even invent something to get upset with you about if there isn't anything real. This is the pattern you have probably functioned in for years. You haven't even got materials to put words to what you are feeling - give yourself some time, wait for those books you ordered - and study!! Keep coming back here for your support - we ALL need it. For the time being - be kind to him, be kind to yourself - and try not to react. I love how one of the previous posts put it: we really do spend way too much time trying to figure out what is going on in their head - and 99% of the time , we have figured it out wrong!! Hope the rest of your day has been better! Regards, ~A~
Hi everyone thanks so much for your posts. I am trying to walk before I can crawl (A Leo tendency). I AM struggling with the enabling I am trying to do it without really knowing what it is first. The Sobriety and Sodriety was an eyeopener as well. My husband is in the same boat as me only the counsellor coming into town once a month so he has been eight weeks without any ftf contact. I WILL TRY TO LOOK AT HIM AS BEING SICK BEFORE I OPEN MY MOUTH. Bloody hard sometimes though. You guys are the best. Luv Leo xx
Just wanted to quickly note - if yourhusband is trying to work a program in a place without meetings - there are also AA meeetings, chats, and so on online.
