The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
there's a sticker i read recently that says, "never listen to the things you tell yourself when you're hungry, angry, lonely, tired, etc.," Great sticker, but tonight it's pretty hard. Trying to keep the focus on me and Not the alcoholic but failing miserably. Keep being the key word .. I shift back to him .. He has been so cold, so distant, so inconsiderate, mean-spirited.. There is absolutely no reasoning, no nothing left in him that shows any type of a chance for communication at this point that might be even remotely rational. this is Not to take his inventory, just to look at my part .. I catch myself doing it again .. Thinking if only i'm nice to him, he'll be nice back .. if i say nothing to start a conflict, there won't be one. I just can't Accept life on life's terms Or he as he is .. I can't move forward and I can't let go .. Anyone with insight, Please please share .. I am coming to believe there's just something wrong with Me again .. even when I know this is a disease .. why won't that part just sink in to my heart ..
Metwo2, Just a quick note of encouragement. I have struggled with some of those same thoughts, doubts, and fears. Alcoholism can lead to such painful times, and it's normal to struggle with your feelings, grieve disappointments and feel confused. I know I've been struggling with those things myself. The good news is that you're here, your aware of your focus on the a, you're trying to take care of yourself, and you're posting here. There's so much hope and you can start to feel better with time. I have found alanon mtgs, the books, and this message board to be extremely helpful. I wish you the best!
You don't say you go to f2f meetings but it is obvious from your post that you do or have. I have been where you are more times than I care to admit. It's not a good place and I allowed the disease to make my life unmanageable. The disease is selfish and totally unfair. It's a taker never a giver. It sucks the life blood from everything it touches. That's the bad news......
The good news we can change our focus from our alcoholic as you realize is necessary. You say you are "failing miserably", but remember the good thing about our program.....you can start over everyday. Tomorrow is a new day. The sun will come up, I promise. When you wake up tomorrow morning say and listen to the words of The Serenity Prayer.......powerful words. Then go do something for yourself, something special. You deserve it.....and you will have the focus on the most important person in your life.....You.
try not to be to hard on yourself we do the best we can. This disease has sent me to insanity and back again when I let it. My drinker is my partner something I have learnt is I can not expect from him what I would in a normal relationship. I want him to be my best friend my support but he is sick these expectations of my dissappoint me often. I take his moods personal when it is the disease, its so hard to detach Today I try to spend more of my time with people from my programme, or on the phone this lifts my spirits and they understand this horrible disease. Do something nice for yourself you matter too.
Welcome and hugs, you've gotten some great esh. I wanted to add just because we want someone to behave differently doesn't mean they will. Working your own program, I've stopped looking for our expecting my husband to give things he can't. I'm now seeing he tries and he's got his own stuff to deal with. That's ok for me now because I am doing my best to let it be ok. I'm powerless over his emotions. I hope you are able to make a f 2 f meeting because it really does help. Sending love and support your way. ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Dear Metwo2, you have asked for others to share insight with you, so I am going to give you my perspective on the situation you describe. These are my views only, and will differ considerably from those of many others.
I am struck by how you are assuming that you have something wrong with you because you are suffering from the emotional cost of trying to live happily in a relationship where you are giving more than you get. An addicted persons primary relationship is with his or her addiction. You simply cannot expect from such a relationship what you would "normally" expect to have in a partnership. In fact, you may have to reduce your expectations to zero in some cases in order to tolerate it.
I view it as normal and expected to experience the human emotions of frustration, self-doubt, anger and fear when living in the presence of a disease that can be very unpredictable and cruel to their loved ones. I think it is self-destructive to assume that there is something "wrong" because the serenity is not coming in this kind of situation. I think emotional exhaustion is the more expected outcome.
It is my very strong experience the we are affected by the people we live with. People give off either positive or negative energy. The negative energy can be like toxic waste and we inhale it and get sick if we do it too long. Positive energy can be nourishing and life-affirming. I think we all can give off both from time to time depending on the circumstances---but, I'm speaking of it being extremely unblanced , here.
I say that this is the time to refrain from self criticism and take stock of your inner strengths and strive for self growth. It sounds like you have already started the beginnings.
NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS YOU HAVE FREE WILL AND DO NOT HAVE TO STAY OR LIVE IN MISERY.
Metwo2, I know you are reaching out, and that is why I am sharing very honestly how I feel. I know my words come across as harsh---but addiction is a very harsh reality to deal with.
Keep on your journey, respect your inner self, and please keep coming back for support---as well as the fact that you may help others.
In support.
Very sincerely, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Wednesday 20th of July 2011 10:43:11 AM
I just wanted to add on to what Otie said and share that I have also struggled with feeling like there's something wrong with me as my relationship with my ABF went down the tubes. Our relationship took my already weak self confidence and gradually pummeled it down, and I'm so fortunate to have had enough confidence to know I deserved better and to break free. That was what was right for me. I still battle that feeling of defectiveness, not being good enough and I have to keep trying to give myself a break, quit beating myself up over everything! I even criticize myself for taking everything too personally! So you don't have to beat yourself up about that too! I try to accept that's just how I feel and then ask myself and my higher power why... and then I have found some real insight.
What I have found is that, for me, those feelings of not being good enough are at the core of the sadness and fear that I need to address through this program so that I can have truly healthy and happy relationships in the future. I can tell myself that it's not my fault, that there's nothing wrong with me, that my BF's choices had much more to do with him and his addictions than anything about me. I truly believe there's nothing I could have done or said or been that would have made him sober. Like you, I can know these things in my mind, but having them sink into my heart is the tougher part.
I'm having to look back at my family (There's sure a reason alcoholism is called a family disease) and where I came from and how I was raised to see where these feelings came from. By doing that and incorporating all of the ESH that others have posted here, the f2f meetings, etc., healing is possible with time.
And thank you for sharing so honestly, this thread of discussion has been really helpful for me too.
there is so much wisdom in these replies, I truly don't know what to say ... Other than .. I think i need a whole lot more continued courage to share honestly .. it helps Soooo much to have others to reason these things through with .. i just hope that as i work through my confusion, others will continue to be patient with me .. Otie your post was so profound .. I Need the honesty terribly .. It's exactly as i'm doing .. Expecting serenity in a chaotic environment where i'm giving more than i'm getting .. The one thing I'm learning about higher power is that sometimes things may appear harsh but when higher power works with me, he's always gentle .. wow.. even in my own reply i'm recognizing i am So incredibly hard on myself .. I talk down to myself .. do the berating myself through fear thing, criticise the heck out of me .. I would Never dream of doing that or saying anything of the kind to Any of you .. what i read this week was a reading from courage to change that talked about just that .. I think the reading began by saying, "Growing up in an alcoholic environment, the concept of being gentle with myself was foreign." As I look back, Nothing was Ever gentle .. It was Always the message of toughen up or get plowed over. What I'm recognising in this reply is that higher power is teaching me through my experience of his help how to be gentle with myself .. Very slowly but I can't say I don't know what that means now because Yes i've been in a program a long tmie but haven't been in near enough for some time .. I do know though that Everytime higher power has taught me something about me, he has Always been gentle and Never once thrown it in my face .. Each of you said something so helpful .. Doozy it makes sense why I would feel there's something wrong with me .. There is .. my self esteem is literally back in the basement ; my confidence has done exactly that .. plummeted down .. and it's So true RLC .. this disease is a taker, never a giver .. I am so grateful for each of your shares of esh .. Pushka & Tracy .. thanks too so much .. It's true .. I can't expect the same of him that I could from others .. I need to work on this disease idea .. hoping i will come to believe it is what it is .. (hugs received & given back) Thankyou ..
