The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know anger and resentment are discussed alot by those of us effected by alcoholism. I never gave much thought to this kind of stuff before I got sober. For myself, it really helps to differentiate between resentment and anger. We alcoholics are supposed to avoid anger, it can literally kill us. I don't see how you can be a human being with feelings and not ever feel angry. I like to consider anger the initial reaction to something happening that I don't like or don't want. How I process that reaction is a totally different story.
I look at it this way. Anger is to a physical wound (like a cut) as resentment is to the untreated result of that wound (the infection) If I get a cut, it usually hurts and I can't just will myself not to bleed. When I'm angry, I'm also hurt and it's very difficult not to feel that pain. With both though, I now have a choice of what action I will take after the initial damage is done. I could ignore it, complain about it, or feel sorry for myself about it. None of these things really helps heals the wound. If I get cut and I don't clean it out and stop the bleeding, I'm setting myself up for infection. Like resentment, the infection is a direct result of the initial damage, but in a way it is a totally different wound. A cut that heals properly does not get infected. The infection can still be there long after the pain of the initial cut is gone and it has stopped bleeding. If I use the proper tools to deal with anger, it does not need to lead to a resentment. These are choices available to me now, and realizing this has given me a lot more control over my ability to prevent anger from developing into a resentment.
I really like the way you have that sorted Lou. I am going to keep it in my head for future reference. Thankyou for your postings it helps me to understand the other person's perspective on different issues that crop up. Stay strong. Luv Leo x
Excellent analogy..... :) You bring so much to this board and I must say that whenever I read your posts and hear about your recovery, my faith in God is strengthened because it shows me how He works in peoples lives. NOTHING is impossible with God.
Well articulated, Lou. I know that anger and resentment have been huge issues in my marriage as well. I don't like to express anger so I stuff it down inside me and it becomes resentment--which is very toxic. My husband has been the more angry one---easily wounded and looking for sources of new wounds.He would view the universe as trying to get in his way--everything annoyed him. Traffic, the kids, the less-than-perfect housecleaning, the less-than-model wife, work problems etc. His anger seemed to be internal--but looking for an external source to blame it on. Does that make sense? Now that he is experimenting with sobriety, he is soooo less angry. But, to focus on me now, I can let go of my resentment if I keep focusing on today. If I keep looking at the past--resentment persists--I have to realize that life is not necessarily fair, but what am I going to do about it for today? I guess you inspired me with your post! thanks Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Thanks for the post,,very interesting for me and others alike. Keep posting on here , as I have so much to learn and your insight into things, helps me understand. So thanks again.............gardengal
I had used a similar analogy with my A a long time ago...comparing the pain of the behavior (drinking,drugging gambling) as a clean cut, but the lies as the "dirt" that infects it and makes it worse. The truth is like an antiseptic and although it will take time to heal that wound...it has a fighting chance. I like your further analogy about the resentment...it is definitely true.
uncle lou , great post...i have something to add if i may????
i too believe that anger is the *cut* and resentment is the *infection* of an untreated cut
i also think resentment is due to mis-placed expectations....i think expectations are *pre-meditated resentments* whether they are our fault or not
this is how i figured out, WHY i hated my perp so bad.....the anger/ rage was out of control...and the hate???? oh my God , it had a color
when i was a little girl...i *expected* my parents to take care of me/ nurture me/ love me/ protect me.....and i was RIGHT to *expect* what was good and right and ordained by God
they didn't do that...my mom was a total alcoholic, unable to save herself much less me...and when he began incesting me, my *expectations* of love/nurturing/protection, went *out the window* over and over and over again....so my little expectations of *mommie and daddy* being my protectors rather than predators, were insulted.......what did it equal?????? cold hate/resentment!!!!!!
when i got into recovery, i realizied that i could work through the intense emotions/ pain or let it kill me......i reached the point ONLY after i worked through my righteous anger/pain/grief......that i was *misplacing* my expectations on a battered alcoholic like my mother to protect me.....so i was able to *release her from me* *cut out the infection---wound is healing*.....with the beast??? it is a bit diferent....with him it was CHOICE......child predators are proven sociopaths....they have NO conscience/ NO mercy / NO compassion/ NOTHING good in them to stop their acting out their devient desires.......even though i *deserved* to *expect* him to not murder my innocense/ safety/ hopes and dreams....he did!!!!! my un-fulfilled *expectations* of being loved/protected by my father turned into resentment.........
now in recovery, i look at people and i say to myself "do their actions match the words??"...if not??? i do not have *expectations* of their being honest iwth me, thus, no expectations, no resentments, and more than not, i eliminate these useless relationships from my life......... i also look at a person and i say "are they there for me MOST of the time??".....if they are not...i drop my *expectations* of being able to depend on them, i make sure i take care of my needs myself or by others who are dependable....thus, no expectations, no resentments.......
this new *theory* has worked for me.....as a child, i was helpless/ defenseless/ and in those days--hopless/ i had NO safe place to go/ no safe person to go to......my expectations of a loved/ nurtured life were not only denied me, they were violated....
that is why i held so much rage/ resentment towards them!!!!! for diferent reasons (hers is forgiveable) they did not fulfill my deserved and vital *expectations* and God's *expectations* as children is his kiss on their lips...when one violates that??? its like spitting on God!!! ....my little innocent *expectations* were not even close to being met and thus, i became resentful to the point where it was out of control anger/rage.......for him???? (i cut him loose and gave him to God for God is the ONLY entity who can punish him comensurate with his evil deeds) and i am walking away......oh don't get me wrong!! i am still working through the grief of my life....but my heart is beginning to fill with love for me....and my loved ones....and trust in God.....better outlook on life....i realize that *they* were NOT life...they were people....one horribly sick...the other horribly evil.....but they do not represent me/ my life/ and what i need to do NOW to take care of me.......
sorry didn't mean to get on a *roll* here, but this was a GREAT subject....thank you, uncle lou........your friend in recovery, rosie
Well said. I now know that when I recognize resentment, it is my call to action to work the steps in light of the issue I resent. I never have to get too far before the resentment is lifted and I have new insight into my own participation in the situation. ---Jill
