I grew up in an alcoholic home, and I used to be very ashamed of how I felt about my family. I am 31 years old, and today I honestly tell people I spent the first 14 years of my life wishing I could put my finger on what it was I could do to hold my family together, and I spent the second 14-15 years until I found this program giving up on them, wishing they would just die so all of it would be over. It saddens me today to say that "out loud," to acknowledge the sense of hopelessness that was a daily part of my life. But it is also a beautiful thing, because today I recognize that was nothing more than a feeling that came out of the circumstances. It doesn't mean I was or am a horrible, terrible person.

This program has taught me how to love my parents and appreciate them for who they are. Today I understand they didn't decide to get married, have kids, and use alcohol and prescriptions to ruin my life. They started out with good intentions, as most people do, and then succumbed to not having the tools to make it happen. I don't abuse alcohol or drugs, but I am in the same position as my parents in many ways. I don't have a lot of the tools I realize today I do need. amd it causes problems for me.

Today I am learning how to speak respectfully, how not to degrade people for not sharing my opinion. I am learning how to accept that I may be angry but not to act on it. I am learning how to give and receive hugs. I am learning how to say no. I am learning how to stand on my own regardless of what the people around me are doing or not doing. And probably most importantly, I am learning to accept that people do the best they can with the tools they have, including me. Knowing that, I can start to forgive myself and my parents. Knowing that, I am identifying the problems I have and am learning how to handle them differently.

I love the book "From Survival to Recovery." There is a story in there about a son who is angry at his mother for "ruining" him. The mother tells the son she may have caused his problems but it is up to him to find the solutions. I started to see the endless circle I was running in when I read that two years ago, and I decided to start finding my solutions. I've been able to identify areas for improvement and start filling in the blanks in this program, and it has been a real gift to me in my life. It feels good to be able to bounce things off other Alanon members and get feedback. It's nice to be open to it. It was hard for me to grasp how this is a family disease, but today I get it. My whole perspective has changed, and I'm so grateful for it. My father has been leaving messages all day, drunk and asking my forgiveness for god knows what. I was so grateful for the realization it's not my problem, and the ability to go about my day anyway, that I wanted to write this and share with you guys. Thanks for listening...

Kristen