Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

lizmi · Member

Dry Drunk Husband

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Lizmi,

I learned from a person in Al anon, that drinking or using other drugs is only one symptome of the disease of addiction.

Alcoholics have other symptoms, selfishness, manipulators, liars, self absorbed, selfish and more.

I had your situation also.But I am not super social. But I liked bbqs at our house, we also went to AA get togethers with friends.

But I did like going to the coast, the Basset games,etc something on week ends.

He was in recovery, his program was good. He worked hard to have a good attitude,morals.

But he had a medical relapse, over time started going back to the A symptoms. I was ignorant to what was going on.

I learned to have fun with him at home. Went to work with him. We had an animal sanctuary,did that together.But as the relapse got worse along with brain damage from the brain surgery.

I was in your shoes. Hated it. Makes ya so lonely! I too meant my vows.

Al Anon helped me to learn to be happy with the time I did have with him. Learned how to deal with the behaviors he had. It can be done.

We cannot change them but we can change us. So that is what I did. Was very ok for a long time.

If you choose to stay, Al Anon can help you learn tools to do that.

Sometimes a dry drunk is worse than one who is still using. It's a horrible disease. The more I learned, the more compassion I had for him, and I chose to change how I responded or did not.

Getting them Sober is a book that helped me soo much. volume one, toby rice drew.

hugs,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I deal with the dry drunk situation, it is confusing. I started going to meetings and remembering what I had started to become before my marriage. My husband has been scared straight however, I just don't know how long it will last. I only knew this time I had to get to a place where I could get back to me. Taking the focus off him means a lot of different things to me. now I don't want to loose the peace I have found. We have a much happier house. I an probably the lesser of social of the two of us. I prefer my quiet lol.

lizmi · Member

thanks for the replies.

I work from home now; and it was because of a move we made for his job. Now, I feel like I am lacking a lot of just 'interaction' with people in general, so I feel that changing jobs would be good for me and help aid that.
However, before that for the past 6 years I worked a very intense management position and it was a good use of my energy. I made a lot of friends there and I still did things with people; but I didn't have the urge to meet up every weekend like I do now. Yet still if I go anywhere, he doesn't come. So, I am sick of answering for him. "where is he?" everyone wants to know. Their spouses all came along, or sucked it up in a compromise to make their wife happy for this one event, etc. I want to know why he can't not be selfish for ONE day and just do something for me in a social situation. "we went to the movies!" he says. Great-that is us sitting not talking for 2 hours and then going home. Even dinners now are a chore with just the two of us- he is 'tired from work' is his excuse. But when I was out working, I still did all the cooking. and the cleaning. and i always had the energy after a 13 hour day to go out to dinner with him. Its like he looks for excuses, and when I challenge them then I'm the "B." I know that is just him projecting on me, (which he fervently denies). I know his selfish behavior and blaming is this disease. Today he projected on me and called me selfish because I got frustrated that we were supposed to meet out friends, and then at the last minute he didn't want to go and claimed he felt that way all along. I know we have the right to change our minds, but if he truly didn't want to go out originally then he should have just SAID SO.
But he is the alcoholic. I just am not sure where to find balance in my life and what I don't understand is, if we are supposed to focus on us, how can the marriage possibly work? If I do the things that I want to do, he gets mad. Then I resent him if I stay home and sit around like a lazy person with him.

lizmi · Member

I don't think I'm asking for the moon. I want to go and do things with him on weekends and because he is "tired," he just sits around and expects me to do it with him.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Liz...look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and drop by where and when we get together. We all know whats going on and are holding a chair for you at all of our face to face meetings. Expecting an alcoholic to act normally is to accept drunken behavior with or without alcohol. ((((hugs)))) smile

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and welcome here! I can only say what's worked for me. Going to meetings in real time for me in alanon. Reading the literature like one day at a time and courage to change. The book Getting them sober. Writing in my journal. Your words sound to me like you need to realize your part in the mess and find ways to let go and let god, go easy on yourself. Say what you mean and mean what you say but don't say it mean. Take care of you. Alanon is for you to feel better. Hugs! Keep coming, it works when we work it.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
Yes, that is a hard spot to be in..... but never use the excuse, "but he's an alcoholic, so I have to give up on all my own dreams....."

I had a hard time reconciling that... and my hubby also had a hard time when "I said what I meant and meant what I said and tried real hard not to say it mean." Meetings would be a blessing for you. You sound like me. And Al-Anon meetings are what saved me. I tell everyone it gave me a backbone. I was also raised in tough love atmosphere. I didn't understand being "owned" by an alcoholic who would tell me what he wanted but it was never about me. It was always about him. I started asking, "but what about me?" When is it MY turn? Of course he looked at me like I was from Mars. He didn't understand that he should get his way and I should stay and watch over him and take care of him. (Sound like a 2 yr. old?) That's what it felt like to me.

When I finally decided that I would be okay no matter what he did or said because I knew who I was and had the backbone to stand up for me, I knew the meetings were paying off. I also finally realized that no matter how I felt about the marriage vows, it didn't matter because he had walked away from them long before I even thought about it. I am still married to him, but my attitude toward it and him has changed. It scares him because he knows the jig is up and his wife is much healthier.

You don't want to miss out on the only life you have babysitting someone who would rather stay home. You have to do what you want. And he should be able to do what he wants to do. Respect goes to both of you. If he doesn't want to go with you then he doesn't have to. but that doesn't excuse his verbal rant at you.

It is what it is.

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Lizmi, I am not of the opinion that a person has to stay in a marriage in which they are miserable forever just because they are married to an alcoholic. I also don't believe that all personality features of a person are a result of alcoholism.

Every person is different, be they alcoholic or nondrinker. Each have their own boundries, values, motivations. desires and needs. What is right for one is not necessarily right for another. Life is not a one-size-fits-all situation.

We each have free will (god given) and are given the ability to take charge of our destiny.

Some people are content to be in a relationship with total detachment and expectations lowered to ground zero. Others cannot tolerate such a relationship. Each is free to choose.

In addition I don't recall that the marriage vows mention a promise to live with disrespect or abuse.

Lizmi, you are still quite young, and you get to decide what you want the rest of your life to look like.

This is my take on the subject you write about. Many others differ, of course, but, for what it is worth---this is mine.

In support

Sincerely, Otie Bird

Jadie · Veteran Member

Hi Lizmi

For me......I won't accept unacceptable behaviour. I have done, but no longer.... I have new found self respect.....had to dig DEEP to find it.

I read on here, can't remember who said it but it's stuck with me. ''I LOVE YOU BUT I DON'T NEED YOU''......... powerful stuff.

My life, and LIVING IT is precious to me......wasn't always that way....the disease kept me prisoner.

I found the courage to change in Al-anon

I have one shot at this short thing called life and Im living it (best I can) one day at a time.

Jadie x

clep · Senior Member

When my A found recovery I thought everything was going to be fine after that. We were going to be riding around on a carousel together with my hair blowing in the wind with him looking longingly at me forever. Then I woke up to him yelling at me, blowing up at every single little thing. Recovery has to be committed to as much as the bottle was.

My A spends his time blaming, justifying, accusing, denying and especially assuming. There are many more other "ism's" of alcoholism that he retains and that is what makes him a dry drunk. It can be extremely frustrating.

Separation is not an option I choose at this point in my life for many reasons.

I have many things in place to be able to live with my A. First of all I have my HP and my program which guides me in all situations. I do have strong boundaries and I don't share finances with him.

My A doesn't yell at me anymore or swear around me. He used to quite frequently, but I would just hang up the phone or simply walk away. When he used to follow me screaming I started going out. Each time I went out I would get my nails done quickly or go for a tan. He learned quickly that I would not tolerate it.

I exercise a plan A,B,and C often. I spend my time focusing on me and doing what is right for me.

I learned I didn't have to leave him to be happy. I learned that through the program.

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

I too am learning how to deal with my husband's mood swings. As others have stated it does work to simply walk away when they begin berating you. I think of it as 'you have every right to yell (insert upsetting behaviour here), but I have every right not to respond'. It is the escalation of trying to be right and 'correct' their thinking that makes it worse. For me, disengaging is the best response, once they are in an elevated state it really doesn't do any good and you can't usually talk them down. Surprisingly the more I use this technique it seems the less I am subjected to it. It hasn't gone away completely but the rages are getting less frequent and less elevated. The more you realize the rage has nothing to do with you, the easier this gets, I'm convinced if my husband was alone he would rage at the wall, it isn't about me therefore I am learning not to take it personally. Hope this helps, prayers are with you.

lizmi · Member

This is why I love al-anon, so much support. To All that have suggested this- I have started going to meetings- a few weeks ago. This is where I first learned the term "dry drunk" and began to realize that was exactly what I had going on.
I think I have always been pretty good at having a backbone. I have and continue to do what I want when I want- He doesn't want to come with me? too bad I just go. He doesn't want me hanging out with my friends and strangers that I just met? Too bad, its my life. I think this fuels his anger and we have had many blowups because of this., and I am constantly being accused as being selfish and self-serving.
I think I struggle with the guilt of it all and watching all of my other friends with their husbands by their sides. Last night was an apologetic cycle. "we don't talk enough" he said. " I'm the worst husband ever. I promise to try and be more flexible and go out of my comfort zone for you." HERE comes the good part. "I dont want you too involved in al-anon though. Those people can be crazy and all they think about is themselves."

Halleluja for al-anon because I had to hold back laughter! He was just trying to maniuplate me in trying to concoct an "if, then" agreement with me. He is always trying to make little bargians. If i bcome more flexible , will you not be so involved in al-anon type of thing.

NOPE not a chance. sorry darling-not this time.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

lizmi,

This last post I can so relate to, mine doesn't come out and say it he does other things that make meetings a tad more challenging to get to, so I've changed tactics. Now instead of saying oh I have a meeting tonight, I'm texting as I pull out the driveway hey hon, gotta meeting dinner in is in the kitchen, be home in a little over an hour. Love ya. I've gotten a couple of befuddled texts about what? Where are you going? I figure if the kids know what day it is there is no reason my husband shouldn't know as well.

Something I did share with him about alanon is it's really not about him. I have issues from my past that I need to come face to face with that of course are directly related to my present (that part I do not add). I'm sure one of his biggest fears is that there are a bunch of women sitting around a table bashing the men in their lives and how to best get rid of them as well as who is the best lawyer in town (that would be his second worse nightmare).

I just know how much nicer emotionally I am, how much more laughter I have, how much more fun I am. Even my husband has noticed that I'm not as uptight as I have been oh let's see the past 13 years .. lol. He notices the changes. I jokingly have said, my husband is probably feeling a little duped at the moment. He married a doormat (in my case) and found out that he did me a huge favor and woke my inner tiger reminding me of who I am. I owe him for that and I'm grateful to the challenges we've been through because I have experienced so much growth. I wish the same for him however he has to want that too.

I like the fact your husband is open to you changing just not so much he doesn't feel comfortable .. lol. :)

lizmi · Member

I think it scares them. I think it makes them worried that we might *gasp* want a life of our own. Its a little bit funny and a little bit sad. I feel bad for him because I see how lonely he really is. My therapist asked me today if I think he's depressed....and I never have thought about it before in that way. I guess if I were him and had been through so much with being an A, then I probably would be depressed.
Such a slippery slope. I love him, but i'm 27 and I have to decide if this is what i want the REST of my life to be-I have so many years left, and he has got to make some changes for me to stay.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

This thread has helped me so much. My dh was a dry drunk for 15 years, now he's drinking again. I told my therapist yesterday that I had attributed all his bad behavior to the drinking and when he quit, I think I thought it would all just magically go away. Instead it got worse and we had just gotten married. I finally, after 15 yrs, am starting a program of recovery. He is very aware of it and has chosen to go to a psychologist himself because he knows I'm at the end of my rope with him. All of the behaviors discussed in this thread are commonplace to me. Except throw in what I believe is paranoid personality disorder(he fits the bill on this one) and depression.

I go to the gym now and go to Zumba classes, which I know he hates. He thinks they play the music too loud and that they are purposely trying to drive the other club member's crazy. For so long, I avoided going to the class because I knew he'd say something nasty or sarcastic. But, finally, I went! It was awesome. And, he snickered at me when I told him I went to Zumba but he kept his comments to himself. I also am joining a tennis league. He used to make fun of the ladies at the tennis courts and say they were all a bunch of cackling hens and that they drove him crazy when he was on court with his buddies. Now, I will be one of those cackling hens....and I DON'T CARE.

Lizmi, I am so happy to see that you are already taking steps to improve your life. I wish I had done this back when I was 27! I'm 41 now. Right after dh and I got married I threw myself into my job and went out with work people and stuff. I was a stockbroker and had a very high stress job. But, when I got pregnant at 28, we decided that I should stay home to raise our son and my dh worked out of the home. So, that means I've been home with this guy for the past 13 years along with our son(whom I now homeschool). It's been a crazy ride and I'm finally taking steps to make it un-crazy, LOL. So, please keep coming back and sharing. I thought my dh would never drink again, but he figured 15 years of sobriety was enough. Now, he hides his bottles, drinks during the day when work gets stressful, etc. It's been one heck of a roller coaster ride.

lizmi · Member

ILDogs-

yes. I am right there with you. Right after we got married is when I realized that he had a problem. and it was too late. I have beaten myself up for years because I think had I been *Thinking*, I would not have gotten married. So many issues, so much baggage. Instead, I did like you , got married and threw myself into my high-stress career. It was rewarding, and I would do like you and go out with work friends, etc.

My problem now is back to the beginning- we have grown apart. He will not come out with me; and we never do anything together because he never wants to. I have made the conscious choice to give him the chance to go out, and if he declines then I go anyway. It is his fault, not mine and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I struggle finding a balance of what is 'acceptable' for a wife to leave her husband behind. How much ? how often?

It's just so confusing...

parfait624 · Veteran Member

Sometimes things are just as bad when they are sober vs drinking. I have been on and off with my ABF for four 1/2 years four of them he has been sober. The people who said that there are many other attributes that the A may have besides the addiction is true. My ABF is very selfish and manipulative. His mood swings along with his behavior can be everything from dream like to nightmarish. We go back and fourth with I love you and I can't live with out you to I hate you stay away from me. It is emotionally exhusting. Lately he hates me and will not speak to me. But I am trying every day to live life for me and that is all we can do.

annabees · Newbie

Dear Ala-non Friends,

Right now is 2017 September. After 6 years, I was so frustrated on my situation and searched for "how do I live with my dry drunk husband". I am so glad to read all of your input because after 6 years. It still helped.

My husband was in the program for 13 years and had a relap after we met. I do not know any addition problems and until I start to realize my life is problematic. We moved, changed jobs have kids, nothing helped. So I turned n myself to Alanon two years ago and I think it is one of the best decision I have ever made. I agree, I am much healthier mentally and emotionally. However, living with A is so difficult. We have two beautiful children and this is the main reason I want to keep working on our relationship. But we do not have a relationship. He intentionally refused to talk to me and not treating me nicely. He is very good with kids. It was like a torture. But just like you said, we can still have our happiness as how Alanon taught us.

He recently brought up "we should consider separating" which caused some nerves on me but I like what you said "I love you but I do not need you" And I am healthy and confident if this is what it is, it what it is. Thank you so much from six years later.

Every single word you said mimics my situation. I love it! I am not alone!!!!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

This is such a helpful thread, thank you Lizmi for starting it.

I really relate to your situation. The way I figured it was that I had been gifted my life and positive energy and the only responsibility I had was to use those gifts to the best of my ability. I am very used to going out on my own. My friends no longer ask where my husband is. I am a little sad that we don't have more shared memories of our social/anti-social lives but I do not regret any of my outings or pastimes. My husband is not a social person, although he seems to be finding out that he might like to change that a bit. He is as he is and I can accept that. I don't need to change him. I do, however, claim equality in my right to choose how I live my life which means that I need the input of others in my life and I like to do things that I enjoy. I can respect my husband's needs and my own.

Welcome Annabees - you are absolutely right in saying that you are not alone! So pleased that you found us, this is a great place.

For a long time I found it very difficult to live with a dry drunk but by staying true to myself and learning to meet my own needs life is so much better.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Annabees - I too am glad you found us and glad that you shared! Keep coming back.....welcome to the family!

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Dry drunks are nearly as bad as drinking drunks...without a program, steps, slogans, etc., and a strong sense that they have a beautiful energy more powerful then they are and they CAN give their "junk" up to this Higher Power, things wont' change

Al-anon is for US...the ones who got in the cross hairs of their disease and we got impacted by it big time....I don't let the drunks, dry or wet impact my life anymore...yea, I can feel compassion for them, be kind but I keep a healthy distance...I've had enough of my life wrecked by the alcoholic ....its just my taking care of me, not being unfair or cruel to them...the only way they MAY see the light and really get help or really work the program is to leave them to their consequences and not absorb their problems....live life the way you deserve......sending hugs of support

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene