The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter wants to visit my parents next weekend. As you can tell I really don't want to go. I don;t feel like driving 2 hours to watch my dad sit in his van and drink all weekend and spend 15 minutes with her. I was talking to my friend today and she said you might as well see them while you can. There will come the day when they or he won't be here and you will be full of guilt and regret. I know she is right. However, does the A feel guilt and regret like we do? If something happened to me would he care.....wish we could have repaired our relationship? I know I will go because my mother and daughter shouldn't be punished because of him. I can feel the tension rising already....isn't that sad?
I think that they do indeed feel guilt and regret, but don't allow themselves to feel it long! As soon as those nasty feelings come up, that 's the signal to drown them
Don't let the alcoholic's facade of "don't care" fool you. They do care, just have no way to handle their emotions except to bury them in drink. As has been said here many times - they are not 'getting away' with anything - an active A is not a happy person.
As A's emotions are as complicated as they come. They feel a lot more than people tend to realize. It is often when these emotions start to surface that they will start drinking to numb whatever feelings they have.
Go visit your parents if you want to go. But please don't let your friend guilt you into doing it. Yes, there will come a day when they won't be around. That's a fact of life. I have no parents left. But never once have I looked back and felt guilty that I didn't do something because somebody said I should. I miss them true. But I know that before they left I spent the time that I was able to with them. Don't beat yourself up for something that hasn't happened yet. Go because you want to see your Mom and your daughter wants to see her grandparents. But don't go because you feel obligated. Trust me, parents know when no matter how old their child is, that they are "faking it". It's like they have this gene that gets activated the minute children are born. They know.
Yes, walking into a situation where the A is active is tense. I was afraid to come home. Not because my A would hurt me. Just because I hated what it was doing to him. Don't get yourself all worked up for something that hasn't happened yet. It'll only make things worse. Take a deep breath. Remember if it's really bad, you can always come home and cut the visit short. Good luck.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hello bd , your daughter will thank you one day for letting her visit her grandpa, kids have this wonderful knack of accepting people just as they are , no expectations. It is amazing to see.
While your there remember that u can do this for a few hrs as long as you know that u don't have to do it for the rest of your life on a daily basis. And i too believe the A suffers guilt and shame but as long as they are drinking nothing will change for them. A little acceptance goes along way. Try changing your attitude and who knows u just might have a great time. Louise
