The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We found out a few days ago that my hubby will be going out of state to work (he's in construction). Anyways, looks like he will be leaving on Sunday. Saturday I had plans for quite awhile to go to a concert w/13 other people including a limo (all expenses paid). Once I found out he may be leaving on Sunday, I asked if he would like for me to cancel and then we could go and do something together. He said yes. :O)
Yesterday he calls me from work and told me he isn't sure if it is this Sunday he leaves or next. I mentioned that I wasn't going to change my plans for Saturday then (concert) until I found out about his schedule. He sounded somewhat disappointed. I asked him "would you like to do something w/me even if you don't leave on Sunday?" Again, he answered "yes". :O)
Here was the funny part. I told him "okay, but YOU plan Saturday night. You tell me when to be ready."
LOL..the sound of total surpise in his voice was hilarious. Like I was asking him to take on the world.
I set my boundaries up...told him that I will not cancel my plans w/friends to sit around the house while he isolates himself downstairs all evening. If he really wants to spend time w/me then he can take the intiative and plan it.
I had decided awhile ago that I will not be the one planning and setting myself up for disappointments from now on. I will make my plans w/friends BUT will cancel or make arrangements if my A. wants to be w/me.
So we'll see if he follows thru w/weekend plans and actually I am rather excited about seeing what he plans to do. :O)
I need to be careful in things like that cause I have a bad habit of setting my expectations too high, but you are right to not cancel your other plans on a whim!
I never used to keep plan "B", you are setting a good example for me...lol
I hope you have a great time Saturday. He will have to do something pretty good to top the Limo and concert... ;)
Well it seems that he isn't leaving this Sunday but the next. He still wanted to do something w/me and had wanted to do them on Saturday night still. OMG..I stood up for myself AGAIN! LOL
I have had this concert trip planned for over a month now and really want to go. When A. came home from work today I asked him if he would mind if we could change our plans to Friday night so that I could keep my original plans. I suggested that if it would upset him, he needed to tell me. That this was important, but that also being him was important.
To my amazement he said okay! I feel soooooooooooo good for sticking up for my wants/needs and I do believe we had a bit of a communication breakthru!
So it sounds like dinner tomorrow night (NO KIDS) w/the A., AND I get to enjoy an evening out w/my friends on Saturday. PLUS I took a risk and let my wishes be known instead of stuffing them down and being resentful.
I got a strange feeling in my gut when I read that you wanted him to make plans. From my experience, the plans I made were never good enough. The wait was too long, the food was no good, it was too expensive, too cold inside.... Then I read Aron's reply about setting expectations too high. I realize that for some people, nothing will ever be good enough or appreciated, maybe it really has nothing to do with me or what I plan. I started to refuse to make plans alone in anticipation that my choices would be not good enough and I'd be taking the blame for things that are totally out of my control. This did not sit well either because it was taken like I didn't care about her. In reality it's not that I didn't care about her, I didn't really care what we were doing as long as I was doing it with her.
Lou, I'm sorry your wife had you feel that way when you made plans. For me, it doesn't ever matter what we do-it is the thought of him spending time w/me.
Im a very easy going person that can enjoy just about any situation, my husband isn't that way at all. Often I have made plans or suggested ideas only to have him show the reactions that your wife had shown. It gets difficut and can be very frustrating.
So by me letting him know that HE has to plan it will have him chose something that he would enjoy (which apparently we are going to an oyster bar to eat..blech! He knows I don't like oysters and we got a giggle out of it. My comment was something to the effect that I know that there is other things on the menu and I'm happy that he can can enjoy oysters while I eat something else)
Honestly, this has nothing to do w/what we do, it has everything to do w/doing something together and that he WANTS to and is willing to make plans. That speaks volumes to me.
Well we went out last night..went to dinner. Nice lil' place that serves good cajun food in town. I was excited to spend some "alone" time w/my A., w/out the kids. The food was great, the company quiet. We hardly spoke anything to each other. It wasn't for a lack of trying on my part though. I would try to initiate a conversation and he apparently either didn't want to or didn't know how to participate. It was a lonely dinner to say the least. I sat there at one point when I was eating my dinner thinking if this was a first date w/someone, I wouldn't be going on a second one.
It is just so hard to be with someone who doesn't smile, doesn't laugh, doesn't talk. He sat there watching the football game on the television screen and eating his meal.
I even made the comment during the course of our two hours together that it is strange that we can't find anything to talk about. He didn't say anything. :O(
I had kept my plans to go to the concert that evening (which I am soooo glad that I did otherwise we would have come home early and I would have spent the evening by myself) and he dropped me off at where the limo was picking my group up at. He gave me a quick kiss g'bye and said to enjoy myself. Then off he went.
I get out of the car to find myself surrounded by friends who greeted me w/hugs and we spent the evening laughing and giggling.
When I met my husband years ago he was sooooooooo outgoing (and sober working a Program). He was a real people person and that attracted me so much to him (because I am the same way). He had the most gorgeous smile and infectious laugh.
When he dropped his meetings and then started dropping friends that were working the AA Program he started to withdraw into himself. Then when he started back drinking he all of a sudden was the life of the party again-only to the point of being obnoxious. Now he is dry, not going to meetings, not having any contact w/any of our Program friends (not taking his inventory here..just reality) and he seems so unhappy. I miss his smile, his laugh. I miss playing and enjoying life w/him. Nothing seems to make him happy...especially not spending time w/me.
I'm proud of you.