The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to see an attorney about divorcing my a. She told me we had to go to family counseling first. So, after many arguments, I convinced my a that we needed to get help. He was very resistant and only willing to go if it was to "fix" me. He has no problems, he is perfect, and I need to change. So, I bit my tongue and agreed.
I found a cognitive behaviorist specializing in addictions therapy. I sent him an email explaining that my husband is an alcoholic and I believe he has ADD. I said that I am dealing with pathological lying, sabotage, and a whole host of those charming issues that apparently don't need to be resolved because he is perfect.
The therapist agreed to see us. It took weeks to get an appointment, but today was the day. So, we meet and I tell the therapist in front of the a what the problems are. And the a says that I am telling the truth while at the same time categorically denying it. It is an art to be able to speak out of both sides of your mouth so effectively.
I believe the therapist has a pretty good idea of what is going on. He wants to meet with us separately. The a is worried that I will say more “mean” things about him. He believes that saying he is ADD is equivalent to calling him the most vial of names. After much fighting he has agreed to go again but on the condition that he gets to have his private appointment first. I said this was fine as I am past the point of caring. I doubt seriously this marriage can be saved – the a is too far gone.
I keep thinking about all the changes that are in front of me again. I wonder if I am up to this challenge. I am so tired of it all.
Good for you on many fronts.... yes, what you are going through is very emotionally exhausting, but so is pretty much every other choice you have.... Kudos for finding a therapist trained in addictions counselling... I think many people have made the mistake of going to a "regular marriage counsellor" with their active A's, only to see the counselor themselves get manipulated by the A...
Sounds really positive.... Great stuff!
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi I understand how you are feeling. My A has just started with a Drug and Alcohol counsellor who comes in to our town once a month. I have a separate appointment for myself this Friday. I have done this off my own back as I want to learn to take care of me. My situation is slightly different in that my husband decided to seek the counselling himself when he hit rock bottom. I guess you feel that you had finally come to a decision regarding the divorce and this for you may seem like a setback. Hang in there and if you can talk to someone just for you. Luv Leo
