The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I am deceiving him. He has asked me several times over the past few days if I am planning on leaving him. I told him no because I did not want to create a scene; especially in front of the children. He told me Saturday that his biggest fear is coming home from work one day to find out that I have left him. I feel very guilty. He says he is trying as hard as he can. I actually believe that, it's just not good enough. I know when he finds out he is going to make me feel even worse.
Powerless I am not going to influence your decision I do not have that right. I will say make the choice that you feel is the best for you and your children. All of us seem to always put others first. It is okay for you to be number one priority as well. Whatever you choose to do you will not be judged by us. I read the post by a member saying you should be called Courageous, I agree. You deserve to call yourself something positive. In my thoughts.
Powerless, Keep in mind that A's are master manipulators. Of course he's going to put the blame/guilt back on you, it's what they do. It can't be HIS fault. What has he done to "try as hard as he can"? I recall a post that you said he was not using, is that still the case? Has he sought a recovery group? Is it good enough for you? Can you live with things just as they are? It's all about you girl :)
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
A's will say and do what they want, to get what they want. That's how they survive. That's how they feed their addiction. Manipulation is a huge part of this disease.
You must, you must, you must do what's best for you and your children. This is the time when you can't put the feelings of your A first. If recovery means anything, it means taking care of you. There are times when you can't worry about what they will think. That's how they keep us "in place" if you will.
I'm not telling you what to do. I'm telling you that you're decision has to be yours and your alone. You can't worry about his feelings. Be selfish about this. If you want to stay, then stay because you want to. Not because he may come home to an empty house and might be upset. If you want to leave, then leave because you want to and you've decided that's in the best interest of your family.
Do not make this decision based on his feelings and what his reactions will be. Make a decision based on your feelings and what is best for you. If you let his feelings tie you down, then your letting his disease control your life. You can't let that happen. You'll sink and possibly drown if you do.
I apologize if this is harsh. But there is no other way to put it.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know this is a very difficult decision for you. At some point we all have to make this decision when to go and when to stay. You are not being deceitful to hurt him, you are in a self-preservation mode now. Whether or not you ultimately decide to go or stay-if you told him you were leaving you know he would try to manipulate you and make you feel so bad, that might affect your decision (in fact that's what he is counting on).
My "A" drank and drugged this past Friday. Came home sorry and told me one of his buddies' wives left him this week. I told him, "that could be you one day" He knows (when he is actually thinking) that I cannot live in this kind of life forever. He knows things have to change or we will not make it--not because I don't love him, but it would just be impossible. I want things to work out--as I know you do. Whatever steps you decide to take will be what is best for you and your family in the long run.
They use guilt to keep you enabling him & allowing/justifying his behavior.
Just think of all the times he lied to you, protecting yourself, is what you are doing... it is self-preservation, plain & simple.
Initially setting boundaries is really hard, all of this new behaviour for us is new & different... like everything it get easier with practise. If you are leaving (it sounds like you have made up your mind already) kudos to you, you deserve your own sacred/private space so you & your kids can heal. It is a way for you to demand respect from him & gain self-respect for you. The distance helps with detachment too... we spend all of our time focusing on them, the space makes it easier to remember you again!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
One of my biggest fears is that my husband will walk out on me. He isn't an A, and I have no grounding for believing that would happen. But it's a childhood fear that is stuck with me. And I have told him, too, I am afraid of him leaving. That my worst fear is that I will find him gone.
We had an argument last week, and he did leave. For two days. He was going on a business trip anyway, but he just extended it. He didn't say anything when he left. And when I figured out he had left, I was furious he had done that even though I had clearly told him it was what I was most afraid of. He did come back, and we did talk it through, and when I asked him why he had done that he responded there was no point in staying when I wasn't listening. And he was right. I wasn't listening. His leaving was what I needed to put the responsibility for my own poor behavior where it belonged - on me, for me to figure out. And I did that a lot faster than I would have if he had stayed and we had continued pecking at each other.
What I'm trying to say is, his fears aren't your responsibility. Do what you need to do, respectfully, but do it.
You know, it is OKAY to let him know that you are planning to leave him. For me, it caused less of a scene in front of the children because he knew it was coming. Also, in hind sight, i feel that i gave him a last ditch chance, and respeced him enough to let him know what was in my heart.
