The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is living with his parents. He has no responsibilities, no obligations. His every need is met. He has plenty of food, a comfortable bed, cable, they maintain his car and give him spending money. He does not work, and has nothing but excuses of why he can't find a job.
I live in our house with our 6 children. I do work. The health insurance comes out of my pay and the car insurance comes directly out of my checking account. Now I gave half of the bills to him to deal with. I do make enough money to pay everything on my own.
His Mother is telling me that the bills I have given him, in reality I am giving to them. She says I know that he does not have a way to pay them. She says I tell them to stop helping him, but then I am in effect asking them to help me.
Ultimately what they would like is for me not to bother him or them with bills. They believe that they help their son, and I should have my parents help me and the kids. I will not borrow money from my Mom and Dad so my husband does not have to work. My parents agree with me, while they are willing to help, they do not feel they should have to give us money becasue he refuses to meet his obligations. As my Dad has said on several occasions, My Daughter works, and he believes I work too much.
He gets unemployment, but he borrows the money from them in between checks, so when the check comes he turns it over to them. The kids and I see none of it.
In a way I feel she is right. I want them to stop helping him, but in reality if they do it right now. The kids and I are the ones who will be without electricity and gas, and we are living in the house the mortgage pays. If they stopped loaning him money in advance for his unemployment check and he gave the check to me for bills it would be one thing, but I do know they are the ones who will have to pay these bills.
If they don't we will suffer, not him, he will still be living fine, the kids and I will be the ones paying the consequenses of his drinking.
Jeannie, dump the guilt right now!!! Of course you are not being a hypocrite. His parents decided long ago to enable him for the rest of his life, or theirs, whichever is accomplished first. If handing him his share of the bills means they must pay them, then so be it. Maybe a lot of that will go a long way, and they will eventually see the error in making his life so carefree and comfortable. If they don't, then let them pay the bills. And if you are going to be swayed by their tale of woe, I suggest you discontinue your contact with them.
Jeannie, they ought to be giving you a medal instead of criticizing every move you make. To side with a man who has no job, no ambition, and no drive to care for his wife and six children is ludicrous. Close your ears and eyes to his parents. There is nothing you can do that is right as far as they are concerned. Sometimes I wonder why you haven't given one or both of them a shot to the jaw!!!
Take care, dear girl. You are a hero. (Or, I guess that's heroine.)
With love, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Jeannie you are not a hypocrite you deserve a medal. Six kids, a job an A to deal with and you know what you appear to be a very independent woman. You are already doing everything by yourself. I don't think there is a win situation here with his family so I would try to stop fighting it. The only thing I can suggest is not to pay a bill that is going to directly affect your A in some way. If the separation looks like becoming permanent maybe you should look in to not having your names jointly on bills in case he starts to accumulate debts. Remember Hp is looking after you and we are too. Luv to you. Leo
And when your mother in-law says the bills you are giving to your A, you are giving to them, you might want to mention to her that she has the power to say NO....Sometimes being a parent means saying no!!!
Pray, pray pray...is all I can say...I can't even think of a similar circumstance in my life except for when I seperated from my first husband/A. I filed for divorce right away though, so I had lots of resources. I got help with my electric from the county because I was alone with 4 kids, there is help out there for you. Don't feel sorry for him. The phrase that is saving my days this week is "nothing changes unless something changes"...
i would look into going to get a support order from the support enforcement people in your state..they can probably get you some of those unemployment checks sent directly to you.
call them tomorrow and tell them the whole situation, not your name and see what they say..
congrats on your stand..you should not feel at all guilty..if they are supporting hm and his behavior the kids are a part of it, (more important than he is). if they can afford to subsidise his drinking they can afford to subsidise their grandkids food and roof too too.
and dont lissen to them and their cries of woe..just do what you have to.
I read your post and can truly understand what your going through. Normally I don't reply to too many posts, not because i don't want to, but because I don't know enough about al-anon and recovery like the rest of you do. Someday though.
My childrens father (not the "A" I write on here about) and I have been split up for almost 18 years. He lives with his mother, she pays all of his bills, he pays no rent, nothing for food and she does all of his laundry. He does occasionally have a job, but they never last..they don't have to. He has no responsibility to anyone other than himself and even that I can't swear to. When I say he lives with his mother, I don't mean he lives in her house, Oh no,no,no! He lives in a camper in her back yard, actually there are a few of them hooked together I believe, I call it "The Habitrail", lol. Sort of like a hamster home.
I walked out on him when our daughters were 9 & 7 and our son was 11 mos. Long story, not important now though.
Anyway, my point is that he may not have an obligation to you or to your house, I am not sure of your situation. But what he does have an obligation to is those children if they are his. He has an obligation to help support them, you did not create them alone. When my kids father and I split, I used to feel the same as you. I would feel guilty, greedy, that I was making the kids suffer. Believe me, he is making them suffer, not you.
What his mother and father choose to do with him is their problem, literally. You will never win against parents and I'm sure you as a parent know that. We all fight to the death for our children. Since I don't know where you are located, I am not sure of the laws where you are. But, go down to the Department of Social Services, explain your personal and financial situation, and they will more than likely help you. There are applications to fill out, posible waiting periods, etc, but worth every minute of you time. There are services you are entitled to. This is what I do for a living, I am a Human Services Coordinator. They (DSS), will go after him for support of your children. That I know for a fact they do not play around with. One more thing taken off of your shoulders, you won't have to feel guilty. I have five (5) money judgements against their father totaling about $10,000. He cannot get his taxes back..I get them, not that he ever works. I have had his drivers license taken away, I have had him sent to parenting classes. I don't feel guilty anymore, I have no reason to.
Just as a side note, my children are now as follows;
The 9 year old is now 26 and a great wife and an even better mother than anyone can wish for. She has a 4 y/o boy and a 2 y/o girl.
The 7 year old is now 24. She just graduated from college and will be starting law school next September.
The 11 month old is now 17 and a high school senior. He plans on going into Law Enforcement after graduation.
Jeannie, don't ever let anything he does or says get in your way. You owe yourself a hugh pat on the back for what you have done and what you are doing. I give you all of the credit in the world. The reason I told you what my kids are up to now is just to show you that they will know what is happening and they will respect you and love you even more for the strong loving mother that you are. Hang in there.
when I was reading your post and all of the replies a thought crossed my mind... I was thinking that if you went to that counsellor(sp) that you were seeing that he might have some resources that he can suggest for you.
I don't know about where you live but here where I live if your income is not enough to cover your bills the government will subsidise your bills or the gas and electric company directly will subsidise your bills if you apply for it. I hope that this is available to you in the state that you live in..
Jeannie from reading your posts now for the months that i have been here... I think that you are an insperation to many many people here!!!
It seems to me that your answer to his mother would be something along the lines of "These bills that go toward the needs of his children are his responsibility. How he gets the money to deal with them is none of my business"
He has an legal obligation towards his children. Period. If they choose to help him meet that obligation, how is that your fault? Perhaps everyone would be happier if there were a legal separation, with obligations and responsibilities spelled out in black and white. I suspect that if you offered them that alternative, they would refuse, as it would probably mean he would have the obligation to pay more than he does now.
I appreciate all the feedback. I know I should not feel guilty. The sad part is that I know that he does not have the means to pay these bills while he is not working. I also know that as long as his parents provide for his comfort, he is in no rush to go get a job. I know exactly who will be paying the bills. His parents.
I have tried on so many occasions to make them see that what they are doing is enabling him, that they make it harder for him to see what damage his drinking is doing. I have told tehm often to just say no, when he wants money, but they just keep handing it over. The part that bothers me now is that I don't want them to say no right now. These bills need to be paid, and he isn't doing it.
I have applied for state aid but I make too much money. I have carried this family by putting in extra hours for so long that my income has become the primary income in the house, and for this year at least it is too high. I decided a few weeks ago that I was no longer willing to work 7 days. That by me doing that it was almost as bad as what his parents are doing. Everyone, me included has made it easy for this man to shirk his responsibilities. That's why I dumped the bills on him, I said no more, I will not kill myself in order to provide for this family while he sits on his you know what like a king.
I know his parents will pay the bills out of fear of me going to family court. They hate involving the courts or police in anything. Probably because they know it would not go well for him. I just hate feeling like I am playing the game. But I will play it. I will do what I have to in order to make sure these children are taken care of.
Just remember that his parents are in denial about his disease. I just got done talking with parents of an old school chum of mine. She's in a one year program now, after 9 other attempts in different therapies. They told me that it took them to finally see their daughter lying in a street, homeless, and near death for them to finally accept the fact that their daughter had a problem with drugs and alcohol. Trust me they come from a very influential community. Image is everything.
Suddenly after seeing their daughter in that state, they didn't care what the neighbors thought. Your in-laws may never come to that acceptance. You can't make them see what they are not ready to see. All you can do is take care of yourself and the children. If it takes going to family court, then do it. It's not like they are going to be supportive of you. You're never going to change them.
Remember the 3 C's? It applies to the parents as well. You didn't CAUSE them to behave this way. You can't CONTROL their behavior. You can't CHANGE their behavior.
Love and prayers to you and the children. You're such a strong, good person. You'll be okay and so will the kids. I have faith in you.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I don't see you being hypocritical at all.... You are giving your hubby "his share" of his responsibilities, and that is good for you to do, regardless of how he handles this... If his parents continue to enable him, then that is their problem, and not yours....
Sounds to me that you are VERY healthy...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
"Jeannie, dump the guilt right now!!! Of course you are not being a hypocrite. His parents decided long ago to enable him for the rest of his life, or theirs, whichever is accomplished first." -Diva
wow! I completely agree with this!
Ppl think love is proteceting others, where's the development of self-respect? The baby bird has to jump out of the nest on it's own -- the poarents ought to be pushing to allow for developemnt of character.
We didn't cause it, can't control it & will never *cure* it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
