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Hi I am hoping you guys can come up with a bit of advice here. To those of you who don't know I live in a small town and my husband lost his licence. Of course the bush telegraph was quick and everybody knew about it. For those who didn't know I chose to tell only the ones I wanted to about it. Yesterday I received a phone call from my friend and colleague who brought it up in conversation by saying " my husband said A had lost his licence and she has said to her husband oh K hasn't said anything." Anyway I replied to her yes that's right he lost it just before the holidays. The phone went silent for a few minutes because I did not elaborate and changed the subject to something else. Tomorrow I will be seeing her for the first time in two weeks at work. She is a good friend but is often judgmental over other people's marriages and really would not have any understanding of the true situation. I feel torn between a rock and a hard place as I don't want to hurt her feelings but I want to maintain my privacy over the issue. I don't have the experience that you guys have with Al-anon yet I have my first meeting with a D/A counsellor this Friday to learn about looking after me and boundaries etc. I have ordered the book Getting them Sober but it is out of stock and on back order until November. Thanks for listening.
Once when I asked a friend a question about her husband, she simply simply said something along the lines of: You know, that's J's personal business. I don't feel comfortable sharing that information. It was simple, direct and I didn't take offense. In fact, I really admired and respected her for setting that boundary.
((((((((Leo)))))))))))) Ya know if this person brings it up it's okay to say "I would rather not talk about it" or "Thats between me and my A" or just abrutly change the subject, you don't have to tell this person anything. If they get hurt feelings they will have to deal with them. It's a boundary. I have people right now telling me what I should do. Not close friends, or my mom, but my neighbors, so I have just put some distance between me and them. Not rudely, just for my own sainity, they don't know the love I have for my husband. They know more about the loud arguments. LOL Hang in there, ask your HP to help. Hugs Mary
My suggestion, for your friend, is for you to practice the very applicable line of "what you think of me is none of my business". Telling your friend or not telling them, about ANYTHING, is strictly your choice, and you need not feel guilty about any of it...
As for the book, you can get one much quicker via the website of the same name, in case you don't want to wait for it..
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hey Leo, the anxiety over tomorrow's encounter must be terrible. I know all about small towns - and yes 'bushtelegraph' . The previous replies were great!! You have the right to have boundries - it is not ok to discuss your personal life, unless you want to . If her feelings are hurt, that is her problem. ( not that you would purposely do so!! :) ) As for your A and his consequence, that is his problem, and not up for discussion. Part of your recovery is acknowledging that this is a disease - and his dignity is worth maintaining his privacy. If your friend is apt to be judgemental, she is definately not the one that needs any further information that could start, or perpetuate any further pain. Choose your confidants wisely. Thats why you have us!!! HUGS!!!!! Angie
Not that i much experience here....but if she was a true friend she would not push the issue. Tell her what you feel comfortable with and leave it at that. She should understand and if she doesn't...like the others say...it is your A's business and not your place to discuss. Just a thought. If she pursists....i find a simple but respectful "leave it alone" often works.
I'm also in a small town, and know how things can get out of hand. "I don't feel comfortable discussing his business when he's not here" might be the tack to take, to avoid repercussions on you. As others have said, if she is a true friend, if she has good manners, any of these responses will be fine. If she really does not have your best interests at heart, and is just looking for something juicy, it's best that you are aware of it, so you can behave accordingly. A big part of alanon is learning how to look after yourself - you can start right here.
Hi Leo, I have a good friend just like this woman you're talking about. She has asked me some doozies over the years. Once in total reaction to her question I looked her between the eyes and said I can't believe you asked me that. To her, it had been a normal question. To me, it had gone too far. I realized the difference in our definition of what was out of bounds. I have taken advantage of that distance knowing she can't tell where not to probe. Now, even if it's not a question that's outrageous (some of hers have been) I still say that. It stops her. Our friendship is strong enough to overcome that difference for us. Maybe that day she's bruised a bit, but it's better than me being the hurt one if I had answered her question. If it's across my boundary, she doesn't get an answer and I let her know not to probe there.
By now, she knows we'll still be friends even though I don't answer everything. If it's a relationship with someone else that doesn't survive my boundary, bye bye. --- Jill
Thankyou everyone every bit of advice has been taken on board. I feel much better about going to work tomorrow. I am going to surrender to the universe and my HP tonight. I will thank him for the gift of having you all in my life. Luv Leo
