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My A.'s drinking as estranged him from his two step children (12 and 14 yrs old) for a few years now. Neither one of them really have much to do w/him anymore. When he was drinking he was obnoxious and embarassing to them. When he wasn't drinking he was rough, gruff and angry at them. In particular my A. hasn't been nice to my son for the past few years as it is. For some reason my son has been a target from his stepdad.
Yesterday my A. picked up the 12 yr old from football practice. My son also had a friend w/him. A. complained to me that both boys sat in the back seat and never said a word to him. No "hi" no "bye" no "thank you"
Now, I will talk to my son about being respectful and courteous-not forgetting his manners. That's a given...but beyond that, this is a consequence that my A. is going to have to see has happened due to HIS behavior. This is going to take some work on HIS part to re-establish this relationship if that is what he wants.
Stupid thing is, I asked him "did YOU talk to the boys?"...his answer was "No." He didn't bother to say hello or g'bye to them either. Never asked how their day went or tried to initiate a converstation with them.
So he gets pissed because two young boys don't know how to act around him yet he makes no attempt to change his behavior or the mood. My A's mentality, I swear, is the same as these young boys.
I sit back. This is a consequence that I have no control over. I will talk to my son about being respectful and minding his manners. Beyond that, I can't force a relationship between father and stepson.
With your A's behavior toward your son I can easily see why your son would be afraid to say anything, especially in front of his friend. In what we consider the "normal" way of thinking your A, as an adult, would need to make amends for his past behavior, but it sounds like he still has the behavior and the "stinkin thinkin". Yes, a 12 yr old needs to be respectful, but if he is afraid of opening his mouth in fear of retribution....his manners may have been the last thing on his mind.
My Stepfather was not an A, but had anger issues. I can recall the same situation when I was kid, many times. We think if we keep quiet, we can't get in trouble. It sounds like in this case keeping quiet didn't work either.. ((((hugs to your son))). My Mom was always my safe place. Without her it's hard telling what would have happened to me mentally. She never badmouthed my Stepdad, but offered a hug when things went wrong.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yes, Christy (btw, NICE name! hehe)....I know that my son is just doing what he has normally done to "survive". I have seen my A. try to take steps to get closer to my son but it hasn't been consistent and there has been no ammends or communication from my A. w/my son to let him know "the plan" of recovery.
I don't fault my 12 yr old at all in this (other than he shouldn't have forgotten his manners and said thank you).
It is difficult not trying to control this situation. I'm there for my son to talk to and he does often. My A. doesn't at all. Sweep it under the rug and all should be fine..but he is finding out that not all is fine.
All of us, my son, my daughter and me are very guarded around my A. We're not "punishing" him...we just don't really know how to act. It is easier for me because I am an adult. But the kids, well they would soon just be quiet so not to "poke the bear" sorta speak.
My A. has a lot of work ahead of him if he wants to rebuild any sort of relationship w/the kids. I won't interfere. I'll continue w/the open communication w/them and keep the focus on them and not their step dad. Teaching them the tools of the Program as well as I can.
Great perspective SQ... your A gets pissed at two 12-year olds, for acting like 12-year olds..... and he forgets to examine the fact that there were THREE 12-year olds in that car yesterday!! Too funny...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
