The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Over the past few weeks that I've been reading this message board, I've often read "take care of YOU" and "what are you doing to take care of you?" and "focus on you," but I couldn't quite grasp this concept at first. My first attempts at taking care of myself in relationship with others were more in the spirit of "I"ll show you I can take care of me!" or "I don't need you anyway!" or, "I'm going to take care of me by getting you to change!" The turning point for me, however, came when someone on the board phrased the self-care message of Alanon as "Take care of you FIRST!" Suddenly, a concept that had seemed abstract to me became very clear to me, very practical, very manageable. For the last few days, I've been walking around with this message very close to my heart and whenever I have a decision to make, however small or trivial, I ask myself first, "What do I need to do to take care of me first?"
Asking myself this question in this way has had several benefits. First, it feels good just to ask myself this question! Second, I find it circumvents my regular, auto-pilot overractions at other people's behavior, and keeps the focus on me. Third, it helps me, interestingly, see my own underlying motivations (which are often geared to getting someone to take care of me who may not be willing or able to) and then to take care of myself. I'm amazed at how many seemingly small, insignificant self-care steps I can handle in this manner throughout the day and how creatively I can solve my own problems. I am nolonger taking care of myself to SHOW other person I can or to vent secret anger. I'm now nolonger coming up with sweeping, huge, overwhelming self-care plans, because by asking myself in each moment what I need to do to NOW take care of myself, I can trust that I'll know what to do as each situation comes up. I am no longer not taking care of myself because I'm putting someone else's needs or desires first. Each action is often so small, it would barely be perceptible to someone else and much to my amazement, actually makes much more room in my life to TRULY love and care about the people I love. It feels good!
You figured out in a short time what took me years to realize.
I always believed that take care of you meant, proving I could do it alone. By taking care of me, I was getting angry, tired, and run down. It took me a long time to learn that taking care of me meant asking for help when I needed it. That I had nothing to prove. The first step to taking care of me, was loving me.
