Hope for Today - October 5

I did not choose an alcoholic mother and a workaholic
father, who were unable to express love. I did not
decide to have an older brother who beat me and a
younger brother whose love and attention I craved.
I did choose to give my younger brother things I
wanted myself in order to win his love. I did decide to
shut off my feelings from my family. I did pursue an
occupation that allows me to be a workaholic like my
father. I did ask a woman to marry me who, I thought,
was nothing like my mother. She didn't smoke or drink,
and she worked hard as hard as my father. She worked
hard when I wanted her company, when I wanted to go
places with her, and when I was lonely in bed.

 

 

######ROSIE….NO!! I did not choose the  alcoholic mother and incester/abusive father….not even close…..i too had two older / abusive siblings…who no doubt were mimicking their father……my younger brothers and I tried to form an  **alliance of protection*  hanging together to help each other….the next one after me is now dead…I see it as severe codependency, untreated, and thus it took his life!!!! My two remaining younger brothers are both severe alcoholics and one even adds drugs to his abuse……..when did I shut down my feelings????  When did I stop feeling in my body/ mind/ emotions????? It was even before the incest….the incest just finished me off!!  What feelings I was capable of, that erased them…..i made awful choices subsequently ….how could such a sick , horribly disabled person like me make good choices???  I forgive me for that!!!  In a court of law, I would be exhonerated or ordered into intense therapy because I was of **diminished capacity* and “knew not what I was doing half the time/ MOST of the time”   I reacted to life, constantly on the defense,  scrambling to survive, I just kept spiraling downward!!!!  I drank too much to escape the pain…I smoked marijuana cause it made me **not care*  I got into abusive or abandoning relationships, which furthered my cynical view on life!!!! All the things I did while I was so sick,  I totally forgive myself for…..i was **not able*  to take proper care of myself and my actions….i thank God each and ever day that I did not become a serial killer or something…instead of hurting someone else,  I hurt me!!! I self abused with insults/ putdowns/ cursing me , and I also beat myself!!! ….i do not believe I was really responsible for my actions until I was in recovery long enough to SEE  that there ARE other ways to live/ treat myself/ god/ life….there IS another perspective that is not only real, but healthy!!!! As I write this, I feel a mixture of sadness/grief (that another human being could have done this to me without remourse)  and I feel  gratitude/ and immense respect/ compassion for myself in that all through this!!!!  I did not have a wicked heart!!!! i could NEVER bring  myself to mimic his evil!!! instead i fought evil!!!  I also write this  totally amazed that I survived it!!! Much less progressed as far as I have in this program….and the BEST is yet to come!!!!! I couldn’t afford a shink!!! I couldn’t afford but the minimal of doctor care most of the time….and here I stumble into this 12 steps program/  half dead and I find the healing I so craved!!!!  i found a bunch of people from so many walks of life, who understood me/ cared for me/ encouraged me!!!  I hope sharing my pain encourages others to NOT give up on themselves!!! Keep trying!!!! Keep looking within….the part of me that he never could get to/ my spirit is alive and well, and it is guiding me as to the REAL person I am…..piece by piece I am being put back together….

 

 

 

 

 

I joined Al-Anon By immersing myself in Al-Anon, I gradually learned
I was responsible for my choices. I had to look at why I chose to
become involved with unavailable people.
I am learning to like and take care of myself. Today
my choices are based on loving myself rather than on
fear or control. I'm learning that when I try to make
others love me, it becomes harder to know who I am
and what I want. I'm discovering that I can make
progress only by living in the moment. I am realizing
that some choices are more beneficial for me than others.

#####ROSIE…I was half gone when I got here!!! In fact I was preparing for my suicide attempt and a  friend who has been in al-anon 30 years talked me into **giving this a shot*…..NOW I am responsible for me….i CAN be responsible for me..i am ABLE to be responsible for me…at first I was scared!!! Taking responsibility for me , but I have done it…and I am free…the shackles have been cut off….i too, am learning to like and love me….i make choices based on that love/ respect for me  rather than sabotaging myself….i am learning to trust me and my **Christ within*….i am learning that I am   **ok*  and loveable and acceptable  “as I am”…I don’t have to be what others want me to be to be accepted…..i am good, just the way I am!!!!  I make my progress by being true to me…being honest in my program..working it each day….trusting in me and my higher power that life is gonna be ok, and that I CAN be safe, I CAN take care of me……..its almost like I am  **coda on the program*  LOL,  but that’s ok…I know I need this…I know that I am in it for the long haul…I know that I am emotionally sober on a **day to day basis* and my days ahead have hope and optomism, cause I am here for the duration!!!!!!

Thank you DONE

 

 

 

Thought for the DayMy choices reflect my opinion of and relationship
with myself."I can learn to respond with love, caring, and
respect for myself . . ."
*Courage to Change* , p 172