The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I appologise for not posting much lately. I don't know why but I really don't have much to say. The last time I really posted about my recovery I was in the state of limbo I guess not really feeling anything good or bad about myself and towards my A. At that point I figured it was just fine with me hangin out it this state for a while. Well... let me just say that it hasn't been working out to well when it comes to me working the steps and my program I am still at a stand still..I have come to a brick wall and hit it dead on and just keep running into it. Oh I have tried to turn right and left and still feel like there is a wall on either side. I have taken on service work for AIS but that still hasn't helpped, I have taken on volunteering and that hasn't helpped. I do know the next step for me to take and that is getting a sponsor... 9 months in the program and still no sponsor... There is more to that though... I came in to the program with my SIL and we were working the steps together and at first I was waiting for her to catch up.... my excuse... we were kind of sponsoring each other but have come to realize that that approach is not working and frankly it is not fair to our recoveries and possibly could be unhealthy...
I am not affraid to ask for a sponsor I just plainly don't know who to ask!!!
I know that all good things come with time and when the time is right I will know it, my problem is that I would like to get back to working the steps and as all of you know that is not possible to go past step 5 with out a sponsor.
Things at home are ok. I can be greatful that my children are alot happier these days and I have only the program and my friends in the progam to thank for that. Our home life is alot more sane!!!
My husband is still active but I know that there is nothing I can do to change that and actually I still can not believe that he is supportive of my recovery, even with the sevice work that I am doing which takes up more of my time and in turn he comes home for me to go to the meetings. The one thing I have noticed is that he has cut back but I am sure that if not all of you know it only leads to binges... which yes is painful to watch your loved one to self destruct but has become easier to let go of. I continue on living my life the best that I know how.
Any way I just figured that I should break my silence and get more involved again and let you all know how things are going.
I am not affraid to ask for a sponsor I just plainly don't know who to ask!!!
********Look for someone who has what you want. Who has the serenity you seek. Who has alot of program knowledge and experience. Who has worked the steps herself with a sponsor and the benefits of them show in how she conducts herself. Who has faith in her HP. Who no longer believes she can control or manipulate her A into doing anything.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Thank you so much for your posting. I too am living with an active addict/alcoholic. And I too, have let it go. I too am stagnant in my program right now, as I just relocated, and haven't even been to a f2f meeting. I am finding many many excused not to go, and in turn have not found a replacement sponsor in my new location. Like you, I am not afraid to ask for one, I am just too lazy to actually go to a meeting in my new city.
Like you, I have chosen to break my silence. I would like to admit that things are totally okay, that I have enough serenity and program to make it last until I can actually find the ambition to find a meeting, but truth be told, things are ever so slowly spiraling out of control. No, let me rephrase that, I am ever so slowly spiraling out of control.
All the beautiful tools I learned have been put on a shelf somewhere, and I have no loving sponsor to keep me motivated and positive. I no longer have that life line that my previous sponsor was, or a buddy to drag my sorry arse to meetings when I need them the most (but think I don't )
I couldn't figure out why my life felt so chaotic, my A is not being a jerk, finances are in order, kids are great... it is just me. My head is full of chaos. Mixed emotions. I am in a new city, and crying the blues cause I have no friends yet... but who has not gone to a meeting to actually meet some new friends....
Anyhow, thanks so much for your posting. I needed it.
It is so great hearing from you!!!! I have been gone for a month and I am so happy to be back. They do have a step board here too. Have you checked that out? I cannot be a sponsor yet or I would help you out. To me the program is like riding a bike. You really don't forget how but need work to get on it and peddling again :) Hope to see you around more! cdb
