The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I have already said in many other posts, my husband is living with his parents, who have always enabled him to the point of treating him with a child. He has been fired form the job he loves. He was fired for drinking, and somehow or another he managed to get his supervisor to put that he was fired for stealing. In his mind this is better than being fired for drinking.
He has early liver disease and our marriage is a mess. He has been drinking very heavily, using the excuse. "I'm drinking because my Wife threw me out, I lost my job, and I have liver problems." Never mind that I through him out, he got fired and has liver problems becasue of his drinking. He doesn't see it that way.
Well since he lost his job, I have been busting my butt, trying to make enough money to pay all the bills. His logic in the past was, that he would have his father pay the bills. When his parents payed our bills, they always believed they could control me, so I would not let this happen.
Well last week, his unemployment check came, he took it saying he had to give it to his parents, for money he has borrowed to live on. Now I have the bills, and not even his unemployment check. Enough was enough!
With his salary gone, and no unemployment, only another job would do it for me. I will not do that again. I did it this summer, and cannot work 7 days all winter as well. Not so he can lay back and have no responsibility. When I thought about it I realized with all of my screaming about his parents enabling him, me being too responsible and willing to just work more hours is enabling him as well. My responsibility is enabling his irresponsibility.
I packed up half the bills in an envelope and brought them to him. I told him in front of his parents that these where his responsibility. I said without any help from him, it is immpossible for me to manage these as well as all the others. When he insited that he did not have the money to pay them, I bitchily replied, I don't give a damn if you sell your blood, or anything else, just find a way. His father said that he guesses they will have to bail me out. I said wrong, you will be bailing him out. I am doing my part, I don't really care how he pays them, as long as he gets it done.
Last night when I was talking to my husband, he had been drinking, but he said he needed to talk to me, so I did. He was complaining about how I don't need him, I am little miss independance, then he was saying he had to borrow money form his Dad to pay the bills, and said we owe it to him, I told him, no, you owe it to him, I do work, I am not the one blowing money on drinking. I told him, "My side of the street is clean, you can't say the same."
He told me he wants to quit, he said he is trying to control it, but it isn't working. I quietly told him, he can't control it. I told him he can't do it alone, and their is no shame in asking for help
He said he hates it, he said he doesn't know why he drinks that he can't stand it anymore, and then he said he hates himself. I said then get help, and he said I don't know how. I said you do know, take your life back from it. He asked me to help him. The hardest thing I have ever done, is to tell him, I've tried, now it is up to you. I said I love you and went home.
My Father in law came to see me a little while later. He said he had talked to my husband and my husband told him that he wanted to stop. That for some reason he can't. He told his father that he doesn't understand. I told my father in law that handing over the bills, which in my mind had been my self respect. I had always believed that if I kept that control, I wasn't enabling, I was being independant. In reality, it was the alcoholism, controlling me without me realizing it. I was my way of hanging on, look, I don't need anyone I can do it. He is the one failing. It was my way of proving things. Haha, I'll fix you all, I'll work myself to death, that will show you. I said it was my last hold on control, now I feel a little more free, and I hope a lot less tired.
He said how can we help him. Then he said Jeannie I think he needs to go away. (My FIL has always been against residential rehab). He said things can't go on this way. What can I do? I told him nothing, I said he has to do it. All this time I wanted my In laws to help, now they where offering and I said they can't. I said he has to do it. His father told me, but he doesn't know how. The man has been in and out of programs, in and out of AA, but it was always to appease me, never becasue he admittd he needed help. I would say he already knows the answers, but I have always been the one to make the arrangements, make the phone calls, yes I put him on the phone, but I was on first, and the finalized everything. Maybe he doesn't know. I went on the Insurance companies Web site, and pulled up the rehabs that where accepted by our plan. I printed out the contact information for the few that where allowed. I gave it to his father and said, give this to him, he has to do the rest. His father asked if he should make calls, I said just give him the paper, nothing more.
His Dad wanted to know if we could now do an intervention. He wanted to know if someone could come to the house. I said I don't have the answers. I think we just need to get out of the way. His Dad left very confused and I think feeling like I was unwilling to help.
I'm not sure what is going on. My husbands life has been spiriling out of control for a while, (a long while). He always knew I would keep things together here. We would manage, and his parents, kept him comfortable there. Well maybe with me not willing to shoulder the burden, and him dumping it on his parents , they are realizing they can't afford to carry the whole load, and they are getting old, they can't deal with it anymore. Maybe for the first time he is seeing the spiral. He seems scared and pitiful. I am not going to kick him while he is down, but I will not jump in and help. It isn't that I don't want to. Everything in me is saying Jeannie the door is opened, jump in. I have all but tied myself to a chair to keep from doing this. I am just going to have to sit back, and watch the man I love go down for the count. What kind of Wife am I, I am actually praying for him to fall hard. I'm scared! I think he believes I am abandoning him. I don't think I have a choice.
Is this detaching? Is this what it is supposed to be like?
You know Jeannie it sounds good to me. Lately, before I start talking to my A, I ask my HP what should I say or should I say anything. And when I start talking I think that my HP has given me some of those words and that if I am not suppose to talk then my HP will stop me. What I do realize is that this disease is damn hard no matter what you do. And I believe that you are doing just fine!
You are the kind of wife that loves her husband. You love him enough to let go and let god. I think it takes more love to do what you are doing than to keep trying to help and hold it together. You are doing great!!!!
With every difficult task that seems so hard each day that passes gets easier to live...
Really you have done all you can up to this point for your husband and now is just supporting his recovery should he find one. I pray for you and your children that he does find recovery.
I am proud of the way that you handled the situation and again think you are doing great. When I am feeling unsure about things the best I can do for myself is to look back to when I came in to alanon or even just a few months ago and see that I am doing much better than I was and that in its self is reasurement.
Your posting is inspiring. I asked my A to leave last Saturday, he did so very quietly. He too is at his parents, however his parents are not quite so enabling. They had been years ago and regret it. I have not talked to my A, but figure he will call come the weekend. I posted earlier that he can no longer live in our home if he continues to drink and use. Your posting gave me ideas on how to approach this subject. As I know he will immediately become defensive. I love the fact that you left it in his hands, that is what I was thinking I need to do when we talk. And the issue of bills has come to mind, I have lost 2/3's of the house income without him there. As I look it over however there are ways to cut back and why should I make payments for the car he is driving, or the insurance for that car. His union due bill came yesterday, so your idea of handing bills over is a good one and I thank you.
I know my HP will help me to say what needs to be said. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Thank you Jeannie for sharing your story. I feel so sad because of your pain; however, you are a very courageous woman. Your story is inspring - and powerful. You obviously love your husband very much......again, thank you for sharing. Angie
I think you are a very brave and strong person. I know it must be so hard to do what you have done. I know you only want what is best for your "a". I wish I could be as strong as you have been, maybe I can get to that point.
All of the stories I hear where someone has stood up for themselves is encouraging--scary too.
I wish you all the luck. I will pray that things will turn out well for you and your family.
I think you are a wonderful compassionate person who is working your program! whoooohoooo :) You seem to have detatching right on and are doing what needs to be done. Mean what you say, say what you mean and don't say it mean. Giving your father in law the insurance company information to me was the best thing to do. They do need to be the ones to seek help and if they need some information in their hands, then he has it now. He is not alone and in AA or treatment he will realize that, let's hope. I see that by giving him 1/2 the bills is not enabling him too. He is the father of the kids and needs to be responsible. A court of law would see it that way too. It is about time your inlaws started opening their eyes. I see so much progress in your situation! And it is all because you are working your program Jeannie! Give yourself lots of credit. Things change because we change. Way to take care of you :) cdb
Jeannie, it does sound like detachment to me. I was reading a little paragraph about Bill W. recently. He tried everything and really wanted to quit. It wasn't until he found a program similar to AA that he was able to quit, and then he founded AA. I like that about 'say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean'. Good stuff here.
