The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm an ACOA who really struggles with anxiety (and other intense emotions). The anxiety has often been a kind of a low-level, consistent companion that occassionally flares up. I've worked a lot on my anxiety (therapy, exercise, better self-care) and that has helped TREMENDOUSLY; the anxiety attacks that I was getting regularly last year, for example, have not occurred over the last 6-8 months. Due to all of the work I've done on myself, over the last year, although I still feel at anxious at times when I am alone, I also have very good sense of how to take care of myself. When I'm by myself, I often can easily figure out what to do with my time, what will feel good and satisfying in the moment. I eat right, exercise, work, relax, etc.
However, it's in my intimate relationships--family and lovers-- that I notice that my anxiety is still very much in the driver's seat (not, interestingly, with friends). Even though I am not involved with an A, for example, I see myself acting AS IF I am--I've monitored my lover's behavior, hugely upset with the slightest change in plans, obsessively thought about them (to the point where I'm not getting my work, hobbies, etc. done, because I'm thinking and stewing), had endless "advice sessions" where I offer my opinion on how they could change to be healthier, etc. or how they could change to make me more comfortable. My anxiety about what the OTHER person is doing is often so predominant, that it's almost all I'm aware of; when the anxiety is really at its height, I don't feel love, or joy, or compassion, or care--I feel an anxious desire to FIX, FIX, FIX the situation, the circumstance, the moment, the person. In this anxious state, I have a hard time sharing how I feel, and I have a hard time being proactive--going about my day, doing what feels good. Instead, with a lover, for example, I spend all of my "alone" time (i.e. taking a walk, etc.) obsessing over why they didn't want to do XYZ activity with me. I'm so anxious at times that when I'm in a relationship, and we're together, for example, at home, I can barely make myself get up and leave the house to do things on my own (walk, trip to bookstore, etc.) without being resentful over or thinking obsessively about why we're not doing the activity together. Too often, the anxiety fuels my decision making process--I choose to do things simply to alleviate my anxiety--it's often a very temporary "fix" and too often not ultimately the best choice for me. Can anyone say BOUNDARIES (LOL)? Can anyone say CODEPENDENCE (LOL)?
I really struggle with the emotional intensity of my own feelings, especially anxiety when I'm in a relationship. The emotions at times are so strong that I feel I will DIE (for example, if I can't reach my lover on the phone, will go to level 10 worry/anxiety immediately). I can see that I'm overacting, but I still find myself absolutely COMPELLED to call repeatedly or worry obsessively that somethings happened. If I were calling a friend and couldn't reach them, I would simply think--oh, they must be out. I'll try them later. and easily move on.
Over the past year, I've figured out pretty well how to take care of my physical needs. But, I'm confused over how to take care of my emotional needs and emotional intensity, especially in a relationship--how do I take care of my emotional self? I'm wearing those around me out and myself out with all of my drama. Can anyone relate? Any practical suggestions or experience would be welcome!
HERE IS THE WAY I CAN RELATE I WORDED IT BY CHANGING SOME OF THE WORDS.
My relationships-with my husband that I notice that my anxiety is still very much in the driver's seat (not, interestingly, with friends). I see myself acting AS IF I am--I've monitored my husbands behavior, hugely upset with the slightest change in plans, obsessively thought about them. My anxiety about what the OTHER person is doing is often so predominant, that it's almost all I'm aware of; when the anxiety is really at its height, I don't feel love, or joy, or compassion, or care--I feel an anxious desire to FIX, FIX, FIX the situation, the circumstance, the moment, the person. In this anxious state, I hard time being proactive--going about my day, doing what feels good. Instead, with a husband, for example, I spend all of my "alone" time (i.e. taking a walk, etc.) obsessing over why they didn't want to do XYZ activity with me. I'm so anxious at times that when I'm in a relationship, and we're together, for example, at home, I can barely make myself get up and leave the house to do things on my own (walk, trip to bookstore, etc.) without being resentful over or thinking obsessively about why we're not doing the activity together. Too often, the anxiety fuels my decision making process--I choose to do things simply to alleviate my anxiety--it's often a very temporary "fix" andI really struggle with the emotional intensity of my own feelings, especially anxiety when I'm in a relationship.
The emotions at times are so strong that I feel I will DIE (for example, if I can't reach my husband on the phone, will go to level 10 worry/anxiety immediately). I can see that I'm overacting, but I still find myself absolutely COMPELLED to call repeatedly or worry obsessively that somethings happened. If I were calling a friend and couldn't reach them, I would simply think--oh, they must be out. I'll try them later. and easily move on. too often not ultimately the best choice for me.
THANKS FOR POSTING THIS IT HAS HELP TO KNOW THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE SAME THING. I AM ALWAYS WORRIED WHEN I CALL HIM AND HE IS NOT ANSWER I GET SO UPSET.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
I'd say, give yourself credit - you've come a long way. You didn't get this way overnight, you won't get better right away either. Maybe the fact that you get like this with a lover is a sign that you are not quite ready to have a lover in your life. You may find that after a year or two more of working on yourself, you have a solid enough grounding that you can start to reach out to others, and take the chances necessary to be intimate. Anyway, one day at a time always works - when you notice yourself obsessing, STOP. Maybe you can get it down to only doing it for an hour, instead of all day. Baby steps.
