The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone. For any who read my posting from the other day in reference to a letter I had written my A you will know what I am talking about. Well...yea....I gave him the letter last Friday morning and he called last night. Did he call to discuss anything with me about whats going on in our lives..nope. Did he call to respond to what my feelings were either positively or negatively..nope. He called to see if he had gotten any mail!! I was very cut and dry with him, told him he had to start getting his mail at his own address and what does he want me to do with certain things he has left here since I am tired of looking at them (like the weight machine sitting in my kitchen). He sounded kind of surprised that I asked him this stuff, probably since I had told him when we first split that I didn't mind getting his mail or even keeping some of his stuff. When we first split, everything he took really hurt me because it took that much more of "him" away from me. Guess I just wanted to hold onto all of him that I could. Does that make sense?
When I said to him on the phone last night after we talked for a minute "Is there anything else you needed" he again sounded surprised. Sometimes when we talk I get emotional by crying, yelling, etc. Last night was different, he really just annoyed me when he called. He said "well, I just wanted to see if you were alright or if you needed anything". Bulls***. I asked him if he had read the letter I wrote to him and he said yes, it was long. No other comment on it other than that. I said well maybe you should try reading it again, sometimes you get more the second time around. In a way it bothers me that he had no reaction on things I wrote to him, but it also doesn't surprise me. I felt better after I wrote it and thats what matters.
He sounded like he may have had a few beers in him when he called but that should is no surprise to me. His mother told me yesterday that she spoke with him and he hates being alone and is very lonely. But he feels he is doing the right things in his life because he is going to work everyday. Talk about distorted thinking on his part. His mom is a great person and is also in al-anon..she understands whats going on.
Why does he even bother to ask if all is well, obviously he doesn't care too much or he would be doing the right thing in all areas of his life, or at the very least attempting to. Is it that he's starting to maybe reach a different point in our seperation also? I am confused. Does he try to keep an attachment to what was "our life and our home" by getting mail here, still having things here, etc? Do you think it makes him feel it is more final on my part when I tell him I no longer want those things to continue?
I know that there are alot of questions in this post, but like I said i am confused a bit. But with the help of all of you here and the chat room, plus counseling, I am finally begining to feel a bit stronger. Thanks you.
Why does he even bother to ask if all is well, obviously he doesn't care too much or he would be doing the right thing in all areas of his life, or at the very least attempting to.
********Trying to figure out why an A says something or does something is really just spinning our wheels. Their disease doesn't allow them to function or think like someone disease free does. When we expect *normal* reactions and responses from an alcoholic/addict, we are expecting someone sick to behave like someone well. It just doesn't work that way. We are only setting ourselves up for resentment, hurt, anger and confusion.
Instead, spend this time apart trying to figure out why you do and say and think certain things. Get to know yourself better. Use this time to get healthy yourself. Alcoholism/addiction is called a family disease because it does in fact affect the whole family, whether we realize it or not. From the youngest to the oldest. The only way to break the cycle is for each person to *Let it Begin with Me* and get themselves healthy.
You said:
Is it that he's starting to maybe reach a different point in our seperation also? I am confused. Does he try to keep an attachment to what was "our life and our home" by getting mail here, still having things here, etc? Do you think it makes him feel it is more final on my part when I tell him I no longer want those things to continue?
*******More than likely in his mind he is doing the best he can. Especially if he's working, he feels he's doing ok. More than likely he does want to keep a connection with you, and by having a few things there and getting some mail there, he's able to do that. The question you need to be asking yourself is do YOU want to keep that type of connection with him right now? If you do......than fine, allow him to continue to keep his few things there, and recieve mail there. If you don't......then give him a deadline to remove his stuff and change his mailing address. It's really up to you, not him. We sometimes spend every ounce of our energy trying to control the outcome of our relationship with the A, trying to get them to stop using, trying to get them to live a healthy life, trying to get them to behave like the people we know they are deep down, trying trying trying........since we're trying to control or change another person we always end up failing. It's impossible to do. So then we end up feeling as if we have no control over anything whatsoever. Once we turn all that energy on ourselves, and the things that are honestly within our power to control, we slowly begin to realize that we have more control than we ever thought. The decisions are ours to make once we put into perspective what we can control and what we can't. That's where the serenity prayer comes in. It's one of the first tools I ever used in this program. If I were you I'd try praying it along these lines:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (my A, his choices, his drinking, where he's living etc),
The ability to change the things I can (my reactions to him and his choices, my mental and emotional health, my choices etc)
And the wisdom to know the difference.
If we apply the serenity prayer more personally to our situations such as above, it becomes more real and meaningful to us. Make sense?
You said:
I know that there are alot of questions in this post, but like I said i am confused a bit. But with the help of all of you here and the chat room, plus counseling, I am finally begining to feel a bit stronger. Thanks you. hadit
********It's perfectly normal to feel confused at this point. You are absolutley right that with the help of Al Anon, a sponsor, working this program and all the steps, as well as counseling........you will feel stronger, things will fall into perspective, your confusion will lift and you will find serenity and even happiness. It's all up to you. You're not alone anymore. Along with all the tools of this program also comes a whole lot of members that have been where you are and have found a way to a better way of life. By sharing their experience, strength and hope.......you can learn how to do the same.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I agree with what Kathy S said too. It sure is a waste of energy trying to figure out what the alcoholic is thinking or why they do the things they do. They probably don't even have the answers either. The disease takes over them and there is the person we love and use to know and the disease. We sometimes don't know which is which either. When my daughter was her sickest she couldn't show emotions or relate them to anyone. She was like a brick wall. That was the diseased part of her. WE learn to not like the disease and still like or love the person. We learn to take care of us and focus on us. We learn to not get involved in the drama and sick situations of the person but still be involved with the person. You sound like you are on the right track when you said you wrote the letter for your benefit anyway. That is great :) Do what you need to for you and to make you healthier and happier. Try to think of you and what you want and let him figure himself out. Out of site and out of mind helps me alot too. Being seperated should help with that. Enjoy your freedom and independence too now. Work your alanon program for alcoholism is a family disease and affects everyone around them. Keep posting and keep coming back :) You sound like you are on the way to recovery to me. cdb :)
