The material presented
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Last night I had a great time with my A, he took me into NYC for dinner and then we went to a comedy show. We had a good time and talked a bit about things....now I feel so scared that I'm reverting back to old behaviors and not detaching because I've gotten close to him again. It has been easy to detach with a distance between us. He has been attending outpatient treatment and some meetings, but not enough to MY liking. (funny how control is such a factor...). When we spoke of the fact that he is just "not that into it" (in my opinion) he said "of course I thought I needed more help and that is why I am going to outpatient 3x a week. He has been handling his doctors appts by himself, did the outpatient thing and going to meetings 3x per week. But I don't see him "working" the program. Is that for me to say? Is it just because it is not to my liking. I miss him and my judgement is clouded. I need to let go and let God and it's hard. There is a part of me that wants to say..come home we'll work it out. But nothing changes if nothing changes and I know in my head that it is not the right thing to do. The ironic things is that he's not trying to come home. That puzzles me...is this just a game, does he know in his heart that he does not want to be sober and that is why he is staying away to some degree, or is it that he is making an appropriate decison for once in his life? The questions are maddening. I think I have lost my way here and I am scared. Weeks ago I was so angry iwas never letting him back into my life....now I'm realizing the love I have but I'm scared to get hurt again. Please help!
i have found for me, anyway, ANY type of **addict* would scare me off....."been there-done that" i had my X husband wipe out our bank acct....he trashed MY car, and i was no job at the time and than no vehicle.....he would go on good behaviour and try and **woo me back* and i went back ONCE!!!! he went back to his old colors and it was a bit diferent the **second time around* cause i had my own bank acct....did not let him use my replaced vehicle....i kept **my stuff* separate from his....even had my own visa.....
i got tired of it and i left....even then, i figured i had to have better than this......i got into another relationship shortly after....12 years with a **sweetie* who was also an "A" and after 12 years...we split......
now???? i am in recovery 20 months goin on.......NO men until i establish a **healthy* relationship with me/ god/ life....than IF hp has someone for me it will be healthy!!! i'll have at least a **shot at happiness* but i do believe that i had to look withIN before i can even hope to have love withOUT!!!!! it hurts sometimes not having anyone....but as i get stronger and stronger in my relationship with me/god/life.....it matters less and less......."thy will be done"......whatever the source and i agreed upon as far as my "life chart" goes....i am sticking with it!!!!! i do what i can.......leave the rest to the source!!!!!!
if my "A" were to show up on my door, i wold be friends with him....love him as a human being....but i would take care of me....and part of taking care of me is insisting on a healthy relationship..........take what works, and leae the rest......peace and i wish you luck on whatever you do with this.....i feel for you.....its never easy!!!!! peace/ rosie
LOL your postings sounds like my brain this morning. I asked my A to leave yesterday and he packed up and left very quietly. Then my brain got busy with "did I do the right thing?" "will he seek help" I know that my HP is guiding me but trusting my HP is all together different. I need to keep the focus on me. That is so hard when the focus has been on him for so very long. Hang in there.
There's a reason we say "keep the focus on you " so often - it is the most important thing to do, but is also one of the hardest.
It really is none of your business how he works his program. It's early days yet, don't worry too much about how it will all turn out. You work your program, get out of his way to let him work his, if he choses. If you are focusing on your own behaviour, keeping your own side of the street clean, you won't have time or energy to fuss about him.
It's OK to love him, you know. Detching doesn't mean you stop loving him - it means you don't let his actions determine your happiness. It means you enjoy the enjoyable times together, without trying to control him. It means that his lapses, his slips, don't destroy you. It means that you do what you must to take care of yourself and protect yourself from the affects of his disease.
If you have kids, I'm sure you can think of a time when your toddler was saying "I hate you" and kicking and hitting you. You didn't stop loving the child when that happened, but you also did not allow yourself to be kicked. You were firm, took care of yourself, didn't let the hurtful words do any damage to you, because you took them for what they were, just words. In a way, we have to learn to deal with our A like that - don't accept the unacceptable, but don't lose your love for the person when they do it.
Hello Kim one of the best pieces of advice i ever got here was to Not Miss The GOOD DAYS -- I missed so many before always remembering the crap that had gone on the days before. Alcoholics drink it's what they do but learned here it is possible to enjoy living with them regardless of what they are doing.
work your own program focus on yourself learn to keep enough of your self for yourself so that on bad days you don't have to go down that black hole with them. remember always that this is their trip we have choices now we don't have to go . Detach with love . and enjoy Louise
