The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I came into Al-Anon with an understanding that I could not change the alcoholics in my life. I felt anxious all the time and agreed that my life had become unmanageable. I've learned some things in Al-Anon already. Probably I will repeat these steps many times in the years to come. For now, however, I feel ready to move on to step 2, "came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Hmmm...well, I do believe in a HP. Some people struggle with that, but I've resolved those issues for myself already. My concept of an HP is a bit different from most, but there It is, firmly emplaced in my understanding. And I do believe in a benovelent HP whose will is to bring about a greater good in each of our lives. So what is my problem here? Unfortunately, over the years, I have come to have another belief that sits side-by-side with that one: that things don't seem to work out well for me and my family. My religion teaches responsibility for our thoughts and actions; the implication being that then things will work out well. All my trying to make things come out right have been to no avail, however. It seems the more I try, the worse things get. This is how my thoughts go. Now I'm back to step 1, my life has become unmanageable. My problem isn't that I don't believe in an HP greater than myself. I guess the step isn't saying my HP will "fix" the whole family, but only that I, who am the one asking, can be restored to sanity. Each one of us, then, must go about the work of contacting their HP and surrendering to that greater good: being restored to sanity. Sanity may take awhile. But I guess I can believe at this point that I can be restored to sanity: that my HP can do that if I am willing. I can let go and let God. So I guess that's my step 2.
Waking Up, your post is well-written and thought-provoking, I have been at the doorstep of step 2 for a long time now, because I am who I am. Like you, I do believe in a benevolent HP, although I am not at all sure what or who that HP is. I have always been in control of my self, and have set my life upon an even keel that has never failed me...until discovering that my loving, glorious, witty husband is an alcoholic. And not a happy one at that. Suddenly I stumbled upon something that I could not handle alone, and so I moved on to step 2, hoping the HP could restore the sanity I had lost. Call it lack of faith if you will, but I am still occasionally feeling resentment, anger, and frustration toward my A. I believe he caused my insanity. I do not believe I allowed it to happen to me and that it was not caused by him. No, not for a minute. So, here I sit, mentally damaged for the first time in my life, and not knowing how to deal with it. Is a therapist in order here? I would go into therapy with a jauniced eye because I believe their value is limited.
Oh Waking Up, it's all a struggle. But you are a strong person, and like me, you will survive this calamity; stronger and wiser, and standing taller than before. It's all a matter of hanging in there.
Very best wishes to you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You put into words exactly how I feel! Although I'm working on my fourth step... I still go back to step 1-3 every day. Yes... being restored to sanity will take alot of time... maybe even until my last breath. I try to remember my gratitude list ( things im grateful for) on a daily basis... otherwise I get caught up in the "why isn't my HP doing this quicker" mode. Yes, I struggle sometimes as u do with the thoughts mentioned in your post. It make me feel better to know that I'm not the only one. I look for the "little" ways that things are changing around me.. and in the ways I think, feel, and see the world. I have to remember that this will not happen over night. I have to relearn a whole life of doing things the wrong way. I have to accept responsibility for my own stuff... anyways... thanks for your post, and keep on keeping on, my friend!
The religion that I was brought up in teaches that prayer is rarely answered the way WE think it should be. Humans tend to pray for specific results - 'give me what I want', or 'take what I don't want away' . Most often, though, God does not answer proyer in that way. Instead, if we pray, we are given the strength to cope with the trials and burdens of life, we are given grace to help us find joy in life, even a life full of pain.
I have to say that even though I no longer believe in much that I was brought up with, I do believe this. If we expect God to solve our problems, we will be disappointed. God does not cure cancer or alcoholism, does not make storms and earthquakes go away. God instead gives us the grace to accept death with serenity, the hope to rebuild after loss.
A couple of months ago I started with the Let go and Let God. My mother in-law has strong faith and when I explained to her that since I starting doing this things in my life seem worse. She told me that if I was to let God/HP then I had to trust.....the more I thought about that issue the more I realized that I was not as trusting as I thought I was. I mean if you think about it and you have someone in your life that is an alcoholic or addict you really have learned to "not trust", so each day I not only work on let go/let God but I also work on trusting my HP. If the alcoholic has to hit rock bottom then naturally things are going to get worse for all involved in the alcoholic's life? I loved this posting as it made me sit and think. Thanks
More food for thought from all of you. So if I am the only one I can ask my HP to restore to sanity (and the rest of the family will have to deal with their own sanity individually), then I guess my mistaken thought-patterns and actions, etc. will be illuminated one by one so that I may have the opportunity to change. Already this is happening. When I don't know what to say or what decision to make in response to my family, I am trying to choose to keep my mouth shut. As the great advice-giver, fixer, know-it-all in my family, this is easier said than done. I'm also struck by the idea that, different from Diva, my alcoholics didn't cause my insanity. (Diva, I know your situation is different. I'm just noticing that my situation may be more of the "classic" Al-Anon behavior.) Raised by an a mother (she didn't drink, but both her parents were alcoholics & she was critical, demanding, blew hot and cold, and had rages), I had typical Al-Anon behaviors from early childhood and just didn't know it. Examining how far back this might go, I think my father's mother was a fixer & adviser. My mother hated her. My dad re-married an A, and they both eventually got into AA and Al-Anon. Both of my daughters and all of my grandchildren could benefit from Al-Anon, as all of us have been in each other's business constantly, driving ourselves and each other even more crazy. This truly is a family disease in our case. In fact, if this disease isn't passed on genetically then I must conclude that my own behavior, while not causing it, may have somehow triggered it or exacerbated it (still trying to take responsibility for everything --lol.) Maybe my judgment, worry, fear, nagging, anxiety, suggestions, advice, and so on only drive my daughter (& all of them, probably) even more nuts. It's like a circle -- we just go round and round, deeper into the disease, until one of us finally wakes up and gets help. Help, HP, I'm drowning. Help, my life has become unmanageable. Help, I believe my HP can restore me to sanity. I can't fix it. Help me. Please.
At my face to face meetings, there is a member who always stops me when I use the words "blame' and "fault". She says "say instead 'my part in it'". I am learning from this that the whole concept of 'fault' and 'blame' are not really helpful - instead I can see my part in things, and try to change it.
