The material presented
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I realize that my A. has recently dried up and that he isn't in any position to give the family what we need right now. I kept this in mind tonight when I suggested to try to communicate w/his step son (my son).
My A. got upset over something totally stupid...my son putting tobasco sauce on his turkey. (Okay..can I laugh at this now?) I mean he got UPSET. Then he got upset because he feels that my son watches him at dinner time. It makes him uncomfortable.
I calmly and very politely explained why this is...for years now, my A. has been downright mean to my son at the dinner table. My son is a heavy set kid, my A. is a very fit man (works construction 10 hours a day and doesn't have an ounce of fat on his body). My A. would make snide comments to my son about what he eats, how much and how he eats. Over the years this has really taken a toll on this kid (who is 12). When my A. was drinking it would get worse. I would, of course, do damage control as best I could. Needless to say, my son is very cautious at the dinner table..he watches his step dad's expressions guaging how he should behave. sigh....
I suggested tonight to my A., "why don't you talk w/J." His reply was "I'm NOT going to do any of that."
My reply..."well then, you have no one to blame then but yourself."
It is so sad. I have a 12 yr old who gets teased at school for his size. He has had to listen to terrible comments from his step father too. His self esteem is so low because of it. And to make matters worse, my youngest is my A's only biological son (he's 5) who can do no wrong in daddy's eyes. He is unmistakenly the favorite and both of my children know it.
My A. went to bed after dinner and sulked. Watching tv by himself. I may be calloused, but at this point I was glad he went off by himself. Let him be the only one in his own pity party. My responsiblity is to take care of myself and the kids..and if the A. isn't even willing to talk w/his step son and TRY to at least make things better..then he has no one to blame but himself for an estranged relationship.
Another shocker to him is that my daughter, who he promised 7 yrs ago to adopt and who has been using his last name in school since then, has decided that she doesn't want to have her last name switched. A. and I were talking about it this morning and I mentioned I wonder how it will be when she gets her license. Because technically she shouldn't have his last name. He asked if I still had the paperwork and I said "you need to ask her what she wants to do." He poo poo'd that suggestion. Tonight she told me that she definately does not want to be adopted by him. She doesnt' want his last name. I know she is angry..and I am allowing her to express that to me where it is safe to do so.
Sometimes I feel sorry for him, but sometimes I don't. These are consequences..HIS consequences. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it and I can't cure it.
My heart goes out to your boy..That form of abuse hurts like no other, and stays with them long after they are grown. On top of that it can cause an eating disorder or manifest in some other disorder. I pray none of that happens.
My son went thru a chubby stage at that age too, had braces and glasses. We both snicker now when we look back at what a nerd he was (his words)...lol Now he's 15, 5' 9" and 160 lbs of solid muscle. He has contacts, a beautiful smile and is a talented guitarist with more friends then I can count.
Please give your lil guy an extra warm hug for me :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can relate to the dinner aspect of your story. My A cannot stand to be interrupted at mealtime and all he will talk about is how crummy work is. I will take time out to repremand my son about how he is eating though. "You're chewing too loud, hold the fork differently, don't do this and do that" all through the meal. Now my A is no Mr. manners himself! He does many of the same things my son does but will not listen to people reminding him to chew quieter etc. My son has some neurological issues which gives him an excuse.... wonder what my A's excuses are??
My kids basically want nothing to do with him and I think would be happy to change their last name from his.
I feel for you. Keep doing what you must for you and your children!
It is so hard when they involve the kids in their games. Our oldest has been a target of my husnband for many years. As he got older and less tolerant of my A's drinking, and more involved in sports and girls etc. My husband seemed to be competeing with him.
The sad truth is that I do believe that he sees that our son is everything he is not. He is polite, athletic, kind and compassionate. He does well in school and has many friends. He hates alcohol and drugs, and is a good and careful driver. He is all the things that drinking ahs taken away from my husband.
Keep reminding your son how much you love him, and that his step dad is sick, remind him, that while it does hurt, to try and not pay attention to it. I have always felt that counseling has helped my children as well
I want to second Jeannie's suggestion - your son has had to go through a lot. If he would be open to counselling, it would be a safe place for him to vent some of his feelings. Even if he can talk to you, sometimes kids need a more objective ear. If your f2f meetings have some alateen stuff, maybe you could borrow it, too. Neither of my kids want to go to alteeen meetings (there aren't any here anyway) but my daughter will read the literature, my son won't.
The kids need to know that none of this is their fault, just as much as you needed to hear that.
