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After 3 months of roller coaster emotions trying to make sense of my 27 y/o son's problems, I figure what I need is the help and experiences of other parent's in a similar struggle. My son moved back home 3 months ago to "start over", what he left out is that he's been having problems mentally and is desperately unhappy, and brought home his new girlfriend. She is the same age and a basket case, suffering from shakes the next morning after drinking. After finding evidence of hard drug use, my husband and I finally decided she had to leave (after puttiing up with it for 6+ weeks). My son felt that he had to leave by "default" because he says that when he "loves somebody, I follow them to the gutter". He is now distorting his past and accusing my husband of punching him "full force in the jaw" when he was 13. It just didn't happen. He is now saying he plans to "erase his childhood" and have nothing to do with us. Because we threw her out he had to be "homeless" and that his anger at us has now turned into a "seething rage". He's in FL, we're in VA, and this past weekend we packed our car and brought him all of their stuff that they'd left in our home. My husband feels deeply betrayed by his son, and keeps repeating that all my son wants is his next drink... I know it's true in my heart, but my heart is broken thinking that I've lost him forever. I hate to see him in this much pain. But I cannot help the girl, and he won't be without the girl. She has been in and out of Detox for years now - her family won't have anything to do with her (we found similar letters to her from her Mother that are alot like the letters I've written to my son lately, so she was in her life and cared at some point!). It's all so sad. I know I can't allow my own life to be a wreck, but I feel like I am mourning my son and he's not even dead. Yet. Help!
My own children are not yet showing any signs of this disease, so I can't help you on any specifics. Just want to say though, that blaming you is what alcoholics do, try as best you can not to take it personally. Since blaming parents is what children do, even ones without too many problems, you're getting a double whammy. Let him know you love him, don't stand still for any abuse, and keep close to alanon.
You are not to blame for your son's or his girl friends drinking and problems, they are adults and need to be accountable for their own lives.
Don't accept any blame, but don't give up hope.
Try and get to some face to face meetings near you, they can give you help in dealing with things.
Alcoholics lie and they blame others, it is how they deal with things. By sticking to the truth and not buying into their delusions, you are helping break the cycle.
Also forever is a very long time, It is possible that he is playing you right now. He will most liekly be in touch, with the help of Alanon you can learn how to love him, without feeding into or condoning his addiction.
jeannie right now AS i write this letter my daughter is on anohter meth **bender*....she uses that crap and it speeds up your heart/ body......each time she **goes away* i risk losing her.....i have mourned her so many times, its unreal....this is bender #6 since the 4th....her daughter/ my grandaughter and i share our pain.......we both talk about the prospect of losing her....i changed my will to make my g/daughter the executor cause i cannot trust "T" anymore.......i had to detach....this summer, being in my own recovery, was actually the most peaceful summer i have had since the kid started this crap!!!! and its because i have DETACHED....given her over to her god........if she wants to kill her self on drugs, i cannot do anything about it....i lift her to Jesus EACH day!!! i tried begging/ pleading/ sending her literature/ yelling/ threatening to not speak to her....i mean i have gone from one extreme to another...i even had her arrested one night because she was wandering the neighborhood all screwed up being violent with my g/daughter, so i called the cops........and i let her SIT there......she was mad, but got over it cause i told her you will NOT do that to my grandaughter, who is of age now.......
i have had to detach/ give her over to keep going.....otherwise it will eat you up.....she goes on these **benders* 7 days high...3 days comming down......so 10 days she is **out of the pocket* than IF i am fortunate, she will stay clean for a bit before the next one....it is yellowing her teeth...my face looks younger than hers....true i don't look anywhere NEAR my 59 years..but still!!!! she looks older than i do......it breaks my heart....but i cannot do anythng with her karma....if she wants to die there is nothing i can do........its out of my hands, and thank god this program has taught me to keep the focus on me....detachemnt....the steps.....meetings.......taking care of me......at this rate, i will bury her, instead of the other way around......i have a very close relationship with my grandkid, and she is a joy to me.....we comfort each other lots of times.........
i feel for you.....i SOOO feel for you.....know how you feel.....i want to kill satan for all this evil and suffering he puts upon us!!!!!! you know i was telling my best g.f. last night....i would rather see Jesus get her and take her home than see her like this!!!!!! really!!! i have a little brother who is an "A" and a "NA" and another brother whom i am crazy about an "A"....and it sucks!!!!!
just keep talking about it/ reaching out to group/ sharing your pain, i have to discharge my emotions to stay level...i let the feelings fly........share/ meetings/ steps....i work the crap out of this program....without it i dont' know what i would do.......i have my own illness and here i am wondering is she on another **trip* cause the 26th should have been the end of the **last trip* i think she is doing a **double header* this time.......i know how you feel.....just hang in there......nothing, lasts forever!!! god is still in charge of this f***ed up earth..........we just gotta lean on our creator....................hugs, n peace/ rosie
