Basic Text, p.92
As using addicts, despair was our relentless companion. It colored our every waking moment. Despair was born of our experience in active addiction: No matter what measures we tried to make our lives better, we slid ever deeper into misery. Attempts we made to control our lives frequently met with failure. In a sense, our First Step admission of powerlessness was an acknowledgment of despair.


#########ROSIE....well i am not adicted to drugs, but i have other addictions out of my codependency condition......and yes, despair was my shadow.....it colored my life **black*....i had no hope/ no sense of a purpose here , but to suffer....i wanted **out*.......i was addicted to **retreating to my other, imaginary, life where i was happy* addicted to my hate/resentment.....the only way to escape was to **dream my life away*...drinking to numb the pain-- to quiet the raging demons within......i did evertthing to make my life better.......white witchcraft......escapism.....being something/someone i was not.....a phony facade.....keeping busy so as to not face me.......mostly drinking and dreaming.......i tried religion.....i mean i tried everything i could....i remember burning candles and doing **rituals* to **uncross me* .....i was desperate!!! i did not know i would have to **look within* and SEE me....FEEL me....EXPERIENCE me, in order to climb out of the abyss.....you know what got me into recovery????? i was going outside to my garage to get in my truck, pets in tow, and i was gonna **load it up with us* turn on the key and do the **carbon monoxide* exit......my friend "larry" who had been in recovery some 30 years, called me, (his HP, prompted him to call me..he sensed something was wrong) anyway, i told him what i was going to do because i knew he would not get to the house on time.....and if he did call the cops?? fine, they would find my body and i wouldn't be left there for days, decomposing.............he made a deal with me........."try 12 steps for 30 days...if you don't see any point/hope...i won't stop you" so i said "what the hell??? 30 days and i'll be outta here because i was sure this would fail too"......i was on my back!!! belly up!!!! on the canvass of life!!!! so to admit i was powerless???? i was too tired/ too worn out to NOT admit it......SO, 19 almost 20 months later, i am still here, still working my recovery....having my slips, but more victories than slips......i have hope!!! i have me!!! i have a chance!!! i have a decent fair chance at life!!!! and i am NOT alone!!!!! now i can't beat THAT with a rock!!!! so i am stayin for the long haul.......besides, what better revenge on the darkness, but to not only live ok, but to help others live ok??????



Steps Two and Three lead us gradually out of that despair and into new hope, the companion of the recovering addict. Having accepted that so many of our efforts to change have failed, we come to believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves. We believe this Power can - and will - help us. We practice the Second and Third Steps as an affirmation of our hope for a better life, turning to this Power for guidance. As we come to rely more and more on a Higher Power for the management of our day - to - day life, the despair arising from our long experiment with self-sufficiency disappears.



######ROSIE....steps 2 and 3 were hard for me because i was a **non believer* oh i **believed* in God/source/great spirit **exhisting* but caring/loving/helping???? no!!!! so i had to work the program **around* the god part until it could seep into the hard concrete i had built around my heart.....i was willing...i was open.....my words were "what the hell??? who am i to say there ISN"T a god??" it was like for me "hey i better be open/willing just in case there is a real helping universal energy".......to me it was a **posibility* that there was a caring/helping HP.....and that had to carry me till i could build on it......i had to **borrow* faith from my fellow groupies......i didn't have much hope, but when you are at the **last resort* (12 steps) you become willing/open.......my pumpkin of thought was carved out to the outer shell....this program filled me with the nutricious/ healthy stuff you make good pumpkin bread out of......i guess i had to hit bottom before i would be able to climb up....and it has been a hell of a climb....i have the calouses to prove it!!!!! now , even when i am down, i **decide* to just have **blind faith* that the process is continuing even if i don't feel somethign......


Just for today: I will reaffirm my Third Step decision. I know that, with a Higher Power in my life, there is hope.



#########ROSIE....i call step one the **give up step*....detachment all the way..........i call step two the **give in step* like "maybe there is a better way to do this, since i am beating my head against the wall with my way"...........i call step three the **give over step*..like "ok, my way sucks so i am going to detach/walk away...leave it to the universe".....i have done this with tremendous that **anything would happen* but by **getting out of the way* (step 3)......by not giving the negative powers any energy....i starve them and they either go away..or the universal powers kick their slimy butts!! but either way, i win, cause i **cast the burden*.......i learned that the darkness loves for me to fight them in their own arena.......but if i back off and release all that negative energy??? they got NOTHING to fight.......its over!!!! soon as i am willing even, to release it???? its a **done deal*......i am getting better at doing this....i just need to keep reminding myself....**its the only way to fly*........