The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If we really think about it. When we continue to obsess, grow anxous and stay consumed in our fears aren't we really just mimicking the same emotions of our alcoholic significant other? We don't like their behavior, yet we have similar behavior when we are affected by them. So shouldn't we be focusing on our behavior?
We are responsible for our own personal behavior and no matter what anyone does or says to us, we are STILL responsible for maintaining our self control. If we are not able to do that then don't we ultimately have the same psychological and/or emotional issues of an alcoholic? As them, we aren't maintaining control of ourselves.
This being the case, it is imperative that when we are out of control and do not know where or how to handle our emotions for a lenghtly time it is time to seek professional medical help in addition to our other resources. Sometimes, it is ABSOLUTELY necessary that professional individual counselors or our doctors are an initial part of our recovery.
Awhile ago, my 14 yr old and I were driving in the car. We were talking about her step-father's drinking and she was expressing her frustrations w/what is going on in the house. Know what she told me??? sigh..out of the mouths of babes...and so true.
She said, "Mom, he knows he has a problem and he's not doing anything about it. You know YOU have a problem, and you aren't doing anything about it either."
I was dumbfounded! And she was totally right. Her observations was that I was "stuck" in a sense. Placing all the responsiblity on him and not accepting any myself. It was a very good wakeup call to me.
Couldn't agree more. We are not innocent victims of a big bad A - we are people whose disease drew us to their disease, and together we created a family disease.
Let's qualify this one. I knew my dear husband for three years before we married. He did not tell me that he was a recovering alcoholic with 25 years sober. I probably would not have married him had I known, but so it is. I consider myself mentally as well as physically healthy, and coping with the circumstances as a mentally and physically healthy person does. My methods are a little different, but that's not to say they are wrong. Our own recovery - mine from being completely blindsided - should be handled as we see fit. Al Anon helps; no doubt about it. But not all of us need a shrink, and to say that all of us do is not quite accurate.
Regards to all, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Diva wrote: ...I knew my dear husband for three years before we married. He did not tell me that he was a recovering alcoholic with 25 years sober....
I'm really perplexed by this. I'm not judging, but something does not sit right with this picture. As a recovering A, I know my recovery is based on humility and honesty. I can't picture being intimate with someone for 3 years and marrying them and keeping my alcoholism hidden. From your previous posts I see that your husband has relapsed recently. I can see why. I know if I just stop drinking it does not mean I'm recovered. I will take your experience to heart, and do the work I need to; I hope this never happens to me.
This being the case, it is imperative that when we are out of control and do not know where or how to handle our emotions for a lenghtly time it is time to seek professional medical help in addition to our other resources. Sometimes, it is ABSOLUTELY necessary that professional individual counselors or our doctors are an initial part of our recovery.
I don't think that it was said we MUST seek help...it was "sometimes it is necessary".
These things happen. I knew my husband two 1/2 years before we got married and he drank socially, once and awhile got drunk, but nothing out of the ordinary. I got married and on our honeymoon it went down hill quickly - he stole from me so he could buy cocaine. My husband neglected to tell me he had a alcohol and drug problem for 10 years. This is my first marriage and I feel very angry and cheated out of someone that I thought I was marrying. It's amazing what people can hide from you -- when they want to.
If we as addicted to the addict as he is to the alcohol/drugs then yes, we need help. Here it is. Personally, I needed my doctor's help with the addition of Prozac but that was not only to help me in dealing with my situation, but because I am also diagnosed with a mood disroder.
Jen Did your husband even know he had a drug or alcohol problem? If he was in denial, which is not an option before recovery, there is no way he could let you know. It's not that he kept anything from you because he wanted to, he honestly didn't know it himself. Diva, on the other hand, said her husband was sober 25 years. At this point he obviously knew he had a disease and therefore did keep it from her.
Sanddie, I read your post and instantly related. I am only speaking from my experience, I know that it was when I left the alcoholic situation I was in, it was then that I emotionally fell apart. I knew I needed help. I had a wonderful counselor, I recently got back in touch with her to let her know how much she was appreciated. Now fast forward to when I found al-anon, I am much better equipped to handle the steps and understand my OWN behavior and "continue to recover" Thank You for this post, Wishes, T
uncle lou - you were right, my A was in denial. He knew he had a problem but wouldn't get help. Still to this day, he goes through the motions of wanting help but at the end of the day, he honestly doesn't want help. Your words were soothing to me. Thanks
Thanks for your post. The debate if we non-a's need a therapist's help is interesting. I think that everyone addresses their issues differently, but from what I know and have lived with an A, most of us non-A marriage partners have our own ISSUES! Maybe we didn't before we came into the relationship, but how can you live through some of the stuff we have with our A's, and not need help sorting it all out?
It seems pretty common playing the "doormat", where you will do anything to keep your marriage & family intact. You'll do anything to keep "peace" in the house. And let's face it, most of us come from dysfunctional familes to begin with, or how else did we end up with our spouses?
Let's face it, our denial can be just as strong as the A's. I met my husband in a bar, and thought he was just there "going thru a phase"! 17 years later, that "phase" is no longer any fun (nor has it been for a long, long time, but I was a pretty good doormat!)
I started seeing a therapist last week, and I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to going back and finding out about ME for a change! I'm beginning a journey of rediscovering MYSELF, and sure, it's painful, but at the same time it's the most liberating feeling! I'm tired of being the hurt little kid inside who wants to make everybody else in life happy, but being miserable myself.
If there's anybody out there that reads this and relates, get all the self-help books you can, get in to see a therapist, go to al-anon meetings, work on yourself for a change. You're worth it!
