The material presented
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i have been playing my affirmation tapes for 36 days now, trying to be able to love and accept me as i am...not demanding perfection out of me...but to love me as i am....well i thought i was making huge progress, lately........than the big test
last night i was playing tennis and i was doing horrible..it was only a practice session, and i was , as usual, rushing the ball, unable to just calm down and hit through the ball, etc....well i began getting on me....criticisms......yelling at me to "keep your #$#$#$# head down" i was really frustrated and aggravated with me!!! and--sadly, i felt the self hate creep up.....
the end result was i finally threw up my hands and told my HP to "tell me, do i give up on me...or keep going....but whats the point in keeping going if i am never going to be able to love myself??" i asked for a sign, because you all know i will work hard as anyone on this recovery.....i work the heck out of it...go to meets...regular talks with my sponser.....i work it!!!! no **bs* behind it!!!! but if there is no way i am ever gonna be able to love me??? well ican watch tv and play my music instead of listening to these tapes......
to say i am discouraged is an understatement.........i am working steps 1,2,3, on it...went to AA meet last night on the pal talk and we had the 1st 3 steps as topic...heard some good shares...i know i need to stop fighting/ rushing/ pushing and do steps 1,2,3......detach from this inability to love me and give it over.......2 meets last night and i feel somewhat better....i'll just keep hangin in there till my hp tells me "forget it rosie......u r hopeless"........would LOVE esh thank you, rosie
You are not hopeless!!! You are right where you need to be in your recovery. Your HP is going to keep you at it until you get it. Do you remember when we talking in a meeting one night? We talked about lowering our expectations of our As? You have to remember that you need to be easy on yourself as well.
You have been working so hard, I've seen it in your posts. And you have been through painful things... Please give yourself a huge break because you deserve it. You are definately never going to be hopeless because your HP will never give up on you and is a caring HP. Take care of yourself by relaxing a little and taking the time to enjoy something you like to do. We all need down time sometimes to just enjoy being alive. I hope you feel love all around you
First, I've really enjoyed your regular posts and all you have shared on the board! I wanted to share a story with you in hopes that it might be useful to you. Please take what's useful and leave the rest.
Several years ago, I took a dance class. I was really excited about the class, but during the first class, I noticed that I started to criticize myself. I was overweight and not a particularly coordinated dancer, and the wall length mirrors really seemed to heighten my own self-conciousness about my dancing. The class atmosphere was very supportive and the teacher was great, but my mind was making me miserable.
Once I got home that evening, I sat down and wrote (in the left hand column) out everything that I was telling myself about my dancing:
I'm a terrible dancer. I'm terrible at following the directions for the steps.
The other dancers are so much more talented then I am. Look at how good they look.
Oh, look at me in the mirror--I'm so fat...
I'm sure you can imagine the littany of abuse I was heaping on myself! Then, in the right hand column I wrote what was really true. For example, to the right of I am a terrible dancer, I wrote: Actually, I am a beginner, and this was my first dance class EVER. I'm really proud of myself for doing my best to get the steps. By the end of this 10-week course, I'll really know my steps. At the end of this exercise, I had three important realizations: 1) I'm a beginner 2) The dancers I was admiring were NOT beginners, they had taken several classes, and so, naturally, were "better" dancers 3)Moving to the music felt GOOD. Armed with these three realizations, I entered my next dance class and when the criticism kicked in I remembered what was really true. Then, I listened to the music and just focused on how enjoyable the experience was.
I found that the criticism wasn't a problem for me after that. And, most importantly, I felt kinder, gentler towards myself and I really appreciated what I WAS doing--how brave I was to take my first class, how hard I practiced, how much I loved moving, etc.
The next semester when I took my second dance class ever (a continuation of the first), something miraculous happened: My body remembered the steps! The steps that had been SUPER difficult before, I could now do easily. I felt so celebratory!
While the criticism and the what's true parts of these exercise are surely to be different for everybody, I wanted to share this in case you and others might find it a useful step towards feeling kinder and gentler towards yourself.
I used to hate me too. Thought I was too fat to make love, deserved to commit suicide becuz I hated my body.
OH brother. Went back to school in my fourties. Took so many great womens issues classes. Started appreciating what i had. As simple as this sounds, it works.
Whenever your pretty head says something negative, say stop! outloud or in your head, and put in I am ok just how I am.
I stopped alllll negative thoughts and talk. Now I rarely if ever feel like I don't like me.
I realized my body is a gift. A miracle. I can see and walk and smile and more and more. I see my large arms an broad shoulders and see my grama, I feel my strong legs and there is grampa. My face is warm and friendly, honest looking. My cheeks are always rosey, usually a smile on my face too.
Started looking at the positive, never at the negative, I know its there, who cares?
I mean I can look at a kids report card, there is an F. The rest C's and B's and even an A.
I don't mention the F. I rave about the others. The kid says ya but did ya see the F?
Yea i say, but you know its there, its up to you to figure out how to change it. Just means you have more to learn. It is nothing negative about you.
Thinking positive about everything, or basically not thinking negative has changed my life. It can change yours too.
HOw important is it? To me it is more important to have fun. I am doing to "do."
Well I was mucking out my pond and my A came over. Me in the mud in shorts i said someday some man is going to see me just like this and love me just how I am .
My husband told me later, in his head he said, "yea, me." I have told ya this before.
But so many times I have said I like me and if you cannot treat me with respect get lost.
So my experience is to focus on health and be thankful for who you are, there is NO ONE anywhere like you!!!
Quit looking at negative, I mean why bother? It is positive that makes ya feel good. I alway feel sorry for those sourpuss people when I see the. I almost always smile at people and do my best to make them feel good. Even the snitty, crabby nurse my doctor has...
So next time stay STOP! and put it what is comfy for you...after all you are really ok just how you are and probably a million times better than you think.
